The Longest Disney Post Ever...and its only Part I.

Y'all.  This post is going to be so long. I apologize in advance for the length of this puppy and its sister post which is in the works, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and trip to Disney calls for some serious documentation! 

(Favorite picture of the hundreds I took.  Hands down.)

We were at Disney on vacation all week last week, and I wanted to post as we went, but the days were so packed full of fun that I didn't have the time.  We were up at 6:30 or 7 each day and didn't crash until 10 or 11- and that's all three of us- Newbie included.  Brother partied hard! So today we're playing catch up.  Hold on to your hats...there will be more pictures today than you've seen in....ever?  =)

We were so excited to take a trip as a little family and just get away for a while after the crazy past year we've had.  Before we left, I felt really frazzled and was having a rough time transitioning from losing Jubilee to getting back into a routine.  My mind was just fuzzy and muffled all the time, and now that we've had a week away, I feel like I've gained a fresh perspective and can think a little more clearly.  Hey, I'm even doing laundry and making dinner since we got home, so clearly things are looking up! ha.

Our Disney trip was fabulous.  Busy, like we expected, but we had an absolute blast!  The following is a run-down of what we did each day and all the Newbie-isms that popped up as he met his favorite characters and experienced a lot of his Disney firsts.  The Hubs and I spent the week smiling at each other as we soaked in all of the fun that is bringing a toddler to Mickey's House.  It. was. awesome.

Day One: Airplane ride and Downtown Disney
Newbie was totally into the "air pane".  We psyched him out the day before we left on vacation and told him all about taking off and landing and flying in the clouds.  He was thrilled to drag his little Toy Story suitcase through the airport and talked constantly, "I take off!  I ride in da air pane! a up in da sky!"  At one point I saw a lady who was waiting to get on our plane with a cat in a bag, and I remember really hoping her cat ended up being louder than my toddler on the plane.  Eish. 

Turns out I had no need to worry because he did fabulously on the flight.  We were so nervous about how he would do, but he didn't whine or cry once.  He talked constantly and watched his movies and played with maybe a tenth of the airplane toys bag I packed for him.  He was a champ. 

We rode Disney's Magic Express shuttle from the airport to the Caribbean Beach Resort.  Disney does such a wonderful job making family friendly vacations, and we were so grateful they took care of our luggage and all we had to do was hitch a ride to our hotel.  After we checked into the resort, we hit up Downtown Disney for dinner at the Rainforest Cafe and some perusing.

Newbie was so NOT a fan of the Rainforest.  Oh my goodness.  I was a little leery about the rest of the trip after this dinner because he FREAKED OUT over the simulated thunderstorm and the screaming monkeys.  Seeing that last sentence written out makes me look like a moron for not seeing that one coming, but I really thought he'd get into the jungle animals and all of the trees and flowers.  That one tanked.  We ate our nachos while I held Newbie and rocked him and promised that the monkeys were just pretend.  Which totally doesn't make a lick of sense to a two year old.  He warmed up enough to finish the meal, but we won't be heading back to the Rainforest Cafe any time soon!  I left holding my breath for the rest of the week because Disney is sort of all about the moving animals and simulated environments.  Later we found that he was a bit skittish of certain stuff, but he was always a trooper.  Happy to report there were no extreme meltdowns over the course of the week.

(Those are Newbie's Rainforest Cafe eyes.  Those are my "I'm really excited about these nachos, can we please just finish them before we throw in the towel?" eyes. Note the saturated t-shirt...that's teething drool, not tears.  In case you were worried.=])

Back to business: Downtown Disney is such a riot.  Its just chuck full of all kinds of Mickey stuff and fun shops and live music.  We walked and walked and just enjoyed kicking off the trip!

Highlight of the day: Newbie being super excited about boarding "my air pane" and then sharing a lemon chill in downtown Disney while we listened to live music.  What a fun way to wrap up a day of travel!

Day Two: Magic Kingdom
This was my favorite day of the whole trip.  It was full of fun and firsts, and I loved being at Cinderella's Castle knowing we had the whole week of vacation ahead of us. There really is no where better to start a trip to Disney than visiting Cinderella's Castle.  We arrived at the park just in time for the opening ceremony where Mickey drove in on the train and there was lots of singing and dancing and princesses and I may or may not have cried while watching Newbie wave to Mickey and shout, "My Mickey!  My Mickey is wight der!  Hi, Mickey!"  All the hoopla and happy just seemed fitting for a kick off to our week long vacation.  And my boy was totally into it. It was the best.

The Line-Up:
Peter Pan ride: Newbie spent the ride with his head in my shoulder..."its a yiddle too dark".
Dumbo ride: Love.  "I see it!  I see it Mickey's castle!" Something about remembering riding Dumbo as a kid and then having my little guy in my lap while sitting next to my man brought out more than a little Disney Magic.  A favorite of the day for sure.
Philharmagic show: Whoa. Major strike out.  3D show plus surround sound plus wind blowing in your face= Newbie's worst nightmare.
Winnie the Pooh ride: Newbie was iffy through this whole thing, and it really went south with (yet another) simulated thunderstorm.  Seriously, Disney?  What's up with all the lightening and thunder on a POOH ride?!?
Its a Small World: the Hubs after about 15 minutes of the ride and the 3,000th its a small world after all: "This must be the definition of torture." Newbie was a little leery of the singing kids, and we had to give him that- they are a little creepy looking. Though a classic, we weren't sad when this ride was over!
Lunch in Frontierland: Hello, best chicken nuggets ever and crazy ibis birds hijacking my french fries.
Jungle Cruise: Newbie slept through the entire thing in the baby carrier...but the Hubs and I had a good time. =)

(You might be wondering why we strapped our two year old to my chest.  That there is an Ergo baby carrier and I cannot emphasize enough what a life saver it was.  SUPER comfy and helpful.  Newbie is a rocker and a roller, and he would never stay in one spot.  He was desperate to get down and walk, but he took off like a maniac when we let him. When we waited in lines or rode on some rides, we just popped him in that puppy.  It gave him enough independence to where he didn't feel like I was holding him, but it kept Brother in one spot and we didn't lose him.  Ever.  Better than putting your kid on a leash?  Maybe not.  But homeboy is an active 2 year old, and  I would argue it was the most brilliant idea EVER.)

After lunch we went back to the resort for a catnap and to regroup before returning to Magic Kingdom for the Hubs' turkey leg then dinner at Pinoccio's Haus and the Carousel of Progress. This was a doozy.  They shut us in a room with 15 other people and turned off the lights.  Newbie FREAKS out.  Then a voice announces that the show will be 22 minutes long.  Whaaaat?!?! I pull out a glowstick in hopes of calming Newbie's fears that surfaced with it being a "yiddle too dark".  Didn't work.  So I elbow the Hubs and tell him to get us the heck outta there. To his credit, he doesn't argue with the crazed momma. He leads the way, and I KID YOU NOT, opens the door, steps over the threshold, and as I follow him, I realize the stinking carousel has already started to move!!!  I have Newbie in the baby carrier strapped to my chest, and my ears are ringing with the alarm that sounds when dorks like us try and leave the ride after its already begun.  Extreme sensory overload.  In a desperate attempt to save us from a nightmarish 22 minutes, I jumped over the threshold into the Hubs' arms and kept my head down to avoid eye contact with the people waiting in line just outside the ride who must have been hearing the same alarm we were.  We dodged underneath a few chains blocking off different parts of the line and hauled out of there like nobodys business.  It was nuts.  I never found out if they had to stop the ride on account of us because we didn't look back on Tomorrowland until we made it to Main Street.  Whew.

(Hello, Dole pineapple ice cream in Adventureland.  We love you.)

(Turkey. Leg.)

We redeemed the event by finding a fabulous spot to watch the electric parade.  I scored major points for the glow sticks I bought before hand at the Dollar Store.  Newbie loved the glow sticks and the parade!  We intended to stay for fireworks, but after they showed a movie on the castle wall featuring lots of Disney characters, Newbie was cashed.  With the first firework boom, not even the M&M's could save us, and we took off for the buses and our resort. 

Highlight of the Day: Newbie seeing Mickey for the first time at the park opening celebration and smiling and waving and making his momma cry happy tears. =)

Day Three: Typhoon Lagoon and Epcot
We had beautiful weather on Monday, so we hit up the water park.  Newbie had SUCH a blast!  Their kiddie park is the best, and Newbie just wandered from fountain to fountain and had a ball.  He blew me out of the water when he wandered up to a water slide, sat his little hiney down, and slid right down it.  I raced down the steps to meet him at the bottom, and he was happy as a clam.  The rest of the morning was spent making treks up the stairs and then down the slide.  It was his favorite.  The Hubs rode some rides while I hung with Newbie, and we met up for lunch and had some delicious pulled pork and fought off another army of ibis and seagulls.  "I see it an E-gull!"

(Newbie helping Daddy put in his sunscreen before the water park.)

After lunch we hit the resort to change before heading to Epcot.  We met Mickey and his friends at the Character Spot, where Newbie got to "talk to dem a while" and Momma got to take lots of pictures.  Then we headed out to The Seas with Nemo and Friends. My LANDS did Newbie ever love the Nemo exhibit.  We spent forever in there riding the Nemo ride ("I see it!  I find Nemo!") and letting him run through the big aquarium.  He was a big fan and scored himself some Nemo bath toys before we left for the World showcase. 

(This is the position he assumed before he met almost every character- he was too excited to stand up!)

At the beginning of the World Showcase, he got to meet Duffy Bear, Disney's newest friend.  The book that goes with Duffy is darling, and Newbie was given a stuffed Duffy before our trip by a friend.  He adores his Duffy bear and was stoked to meet the big Duffy.  When it was his turn, he squatted down, hit the ground, and said to Duffy, "Come see me!  Come see me!  Come talk to me a while!"  PRECIOUS.  He was all about meeting the characters and just shooting the breeze with them.  It was so much fun to watch. 

After Duffy, we hit up Mexico for some margaritas and tacos.  YUM.  It may have cost Newbie's college education, but it was delicious.  Disney food is so expensive.  Yowza.  We recovered from bill shock and then headed around the world.  Newbie was a good sport, and we spent lots of time in Germany grabbing a special something for my grandparents and celebrating my roots. Then we caught sight of an Epcot wedding, which had me totally rethinking where the Hubs and I got married.  Disney wedding= brilliant. 

(Arriba.)

We had a killer spot for fireworks, but once again, after the first boom, Newbie was DONE.  So we high-tailed it out of there and went back to the resort to watch some Duck Dynasty before going to bed.  It was such a fun day!

(Our prime firework watching and strawberry smoothie slurping spot)

Highlight of the day: Watching Newbie get the guts to go down the water slide on his own.  Watching him from the bottom while he scoots his swim trunks down the slide grinning from ear to ear and saying, "Mommy, I do it!  I did it all my by self! I doing it!" 

Day Four: Animal Kingdom
Aka: our first of three rain days.  We were really excited about Animal Kingdom, but wearing a plastic bag when its 90 something outside just gets to be a little rough.  We didn't last long, but we got a chance to see the Lion King show and go on the Kilamanjaro Safari.  Newbie was the safari's biggest fan, and we are still hearing about all the animals!  We had flame tree BBQ for lunch, and it was a dream.  After lunch we explored a trail full of tiger exhibits that Newbie was all over, then he found the highlight of his trip: two fountains.  He stopped traffic with his squeals of delight and his soppy wet clothes.  People literally stopped in their tracks to watch him run through the fountains.  He was in heaven and could not have been happier.  It was such fun to see him have a great time! We went back to the resort after Animal Kingdom and hit up Downtown Disney for what we thought would be a dry night.  Wrong.  Super soppy evening, but we had a good time splashing through puddles and doing some shopping.  I think this was the evening we ate at Raglan Road and watched the cloggers strut their stuff in the middle of the restaurant.  Very fun!`

(Newbie is totally zooming in on some wildlife in this one...)

Highlight of the day:  Watching Newbie run back and forth through that fountain.  I think it was the best time he had the whole trip, and it brought the Hubs and I such joy to watch him have such a ball. 

The way Newbie zoned in on Simba and waved and shouted, "Hi, Yion Ting!  HI!" during the Lion King musical every time he got a little scared made it to the top of the list somewhere too. The Hubs whipped out a stuffed Simba and handed it to Newbie at the beginning of the show, and Newbie squeezed it to pieces and said "Biiiiiiig hug!"- that moment was also up there.

*****
I have three more days of Disney fun to share, but I'm going to put the kabosh on this before the three of you that have read all the way through it decide to never come back. =)  Its just tough to condense all the fun into a reasonable length for a blog post!  I'll be back with Take Two once I get a few more pictures organized.

One of my favorite things about the Disney experience was anytime we got off the phone with the front desk at our resort, they would say: "Have a magical day!"  I told the Hubs I was going to call that number when we got home just to hear someone tell me to have a magical day.  So in the spirit of the happiest place on earth...

Thanks for reading, and have a *magical* day! (Or evening since I started this post two days ago and its now 10 o'clock on Thursday night...) =)

The Yion Ting

Hey Newbie?

("Yeah?")

What is it like to be awesome?

("Watch Yion Ting?"...Translation: Watch Lion King)

I thought so. 

Love this kid.  He rocks.

When he sings the "Yion Ting song" he just opens his mouth and screams a little.  We finally figured out its the "mah see wayne yah" from the beginning of the song (do you like that translation?!...that is what the dude says, right? ha).  Boy's got skill.

In other words, there is a lot of Disney happening around here.  We're kinda brainwashing him.  Don't judge.  Disney World is a big deal.  We haven't been on a family vacay just the three of us, and we're all about the "go hard or go home" philosophy. We like to do it up right. There may or may not have been a duet rendition of "You've Got a Friend in Me" performed by yours truly and the Hubs in the bank parking lot today before we went grocery shopping.  With three heads bobbing.  And Newbie chiming in with a "fren in ME" every once in a while.  What can I say?  We know how to have a good time.

Back to the pep talks and hullabaloo that has ensued lately...

There's been a lot of this happening:

And a lot of this:

And this:

And psyching him out about airplanes...though he's convinced we're taking a helicopter when we go because helicopters are obviously cooler. 

We've been talking Mickey ears.  We want the man to be prepared.  He talks all the way through the "Free Walt Disney World Planning DVD" that came in the mail, and we didn't want him freaking out when he got his very own pair of those awesome Mickey ears every kid in the video is sporting.  Brother is psyched. We have big plans to get pink Mickey ears in honor of our girls too- because they are just as much a part of our upcoming trip as we are.  We're celebrating family.  And fun.  And making memories.  And I'm not sure there will ever be a day when I don't carry my girls with me wherever we go. So pink ears it is.

I'm off for a mini date night with the Hubs.  Love me some dinner with my man.  Looking forward to a fun weekend with my boys and more Disney brainwashing. =)

Happy Weekending!

Closets

I've cleaned a lot of closets lately.

My fingers fumble along the rows of junk stacked up on shelves, and I grab and rearrange and pitch and stack until everything looks organized and nice and neat.  Until I can see everything that's there and know where everything is and feel like every nook and cranny has been de-junked and put back together. 

It was something I had to do this week.  Like the closets were pulling me in by some force that over powered the stacks of dishes and the packing for Disney and the soul searching.  Everything fell to the back burner because there was this crazed need to CLEAN THE CLOSETS RIGHT NOW.

And it wasn't until I stepped back and admired my third pristine closet that I realized why I needed to clean them. 

I had to clean closets because cleaning a three foot by two foot closet was something I could control. It was something I could do.  I could clear it out from top to bottom, organize every shelf and corner, and then step back and admire the clean cut and straight forward peace of the space.

I had to clean closets because in the past several days, my fingers have been fumbling through my heart, trying to organize the shelves and dig into the corners, and I've come away frustrated.  Unable to find every nook and cranny.  Why have I not felt like writing? Unsure of where to place the pieces that were wandering from shelf to shelf.  What do I do with the minutes of my day now that she's not here? Incapable of determining which way was up and which way was down and whether or not that book should even be there.  What's up with feeling this deep, certain and steadfast joy, but being bummed out and mopey sometimes at the same time?

Where does all this stuff go and how do I clean this thing out and make sense of it all?

I realized my heart was a bruised and battered mess after the challenge of the past several months, and while I was desperate to clean it up and make sense of all the bits and pieces- put them each in their place and stand back and admire the finished product- I realized I couldn't do it.  The closets in my heart were just too confusing and too overwhelming and too messy.  So I dropped everything where it was and decided to clean some tangible closets.  Because that I could do.

When I saw my fingers fumbling along the piles of junk and sorting through the books and baskets, I realized fumbling along the piles is what I had been doing in my own heart.  An unreachable result, but one I had been fumbling to find anyway.  Because I don't like messy closets.  I don't like not being able to determine whats there and being able to sweep out the corners and organize the mess.

My heart is just such a mess.

Then I heard Him.  As my brow furrowed and I cried out in frustration, trying to pin down exactly what was going on in the incredibly messy closet of my heart, His voice whispered and He came up behind me and put His hand on my shoulder, gently pulling me back from the mess: "Beloved, let me do it.  This is a closet you can't clean.  I've got it.  Let me pick up the pieces and put them in the right place.  Don't worry about the why's and the what's and the how's.  Don't worry about what to do and what to say and where to be.  Just be still and know that I am God.  I'll take care of the rest.  I'm good with battered and bruised, Beloved.  I've got this."

So instead of fumbling through the mess, fingers frantic and desperate to make sense of it all, I'm sitting back.  I'm planting myself on the floor, stilling my fluttering fingers, taking a deep breath, and just letting Him do His thing.

I was talking with my dad a few nights ago about this cleaning of closets.  This trying to sort through my heart and trying to figure out whats what and questioning my peace and the joy I have despite my awful circumstances.  I was grappling with the mixed feelings of joy and sorrow and hurt and healing, trying to put each in its place and explain why what should go where. He told me to stop trying to figure it all out.  To just be.  To let the feelings come as they come and to stop trying to place things on the right shelf and sort through what should be there and what shouldn't because God would provide and the peace I was trying to sort through was simply His provision. Not something to be placed on a shelf and sorted through, but something to be left alone.  To just be.  I didn't realize it at the time, but he was telling me to stop trying to clean the closet.  To just let God do His thing and to trust the process.  Trust that God is a better closet cleaner than I am, that He knows my heart better than I do, and to step back and let Him do His work in me.

That was three days ago.  I was still trying to clean closets. 

Then last night, I poured my soul out to a dear friend on the phone- all about how I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to write anymore. That I want so much to describe where I'm at but that I can't because I don't know.  And because it changes all the time.  I want to write about all thing wonderful things God has done and each of His fingerprints we've seen on Jubilee's story and since her birthday, but each time I try I freeze up. I don't always know what I'm feeling or how to put words to the thousands of things going through my mind every day. I don't question God's love or His goodness or His plan, but the whole thing just runs so deep that I can't make sense of it.  Everything in the closet is just so stinking heavy.  Its hard to move it from one place to another or figure out what it is in the first place.  I told her that sometimes all I want to talk about or write about is how we just hammered down the last of our Girl Scout cookie stash and how I'm not sure if I should take two bottles of sunscreen to Disney or three.  And do you know what she said?  She said write about it.  She told me the same thing my dad did just days before: stop cleaning the closet and just let Him do His work in me.  And write about it.  All of it. The frustration, the changing feelings, the blood and the sweat and the tears and the cookies and the sunscreen.  She told me to stop trying to figure it all out and make it right and just write about where I'm at. 

So that's what I'm doing.  It took me a while to get here...to stop fidgeting with all the stuff in the closet and to just step back and let God clean it out and make sense of it all as I rest and watch and be still and just know that He is God.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.

2 Thessalonians 3:16

I'm writing today about where I'm at.  Yesterday I was cleaning closets.  Today I'm letting Him do the cleaning.  Letting Him give me peace. I'm breathing easier because when I am still, I know that He is God and that He's got this. 

And I'm absolutely taking three bottles of sunscreen to Disney.  =)

Bits and Pieces

I'm hoping to get into a better blogging groove when we return from vacation in a few weeks, but these days have been spent with my family and friends trying to pick up the pieces and get back into a routine around here.  We're doing really well, but we miss our girl and things like blogging just kinda hit the back burner when I could be outside eating ice cream with my boy and working in the yard with my man.  One of these days I will get back into regular posts that are not so few and far between, but I'm still counting these our Jubilee days- making each moment count and being fully present with my family while we walk through the healing process.

That said, we had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend enjoying time together as a family of three, soaking up the sun in the backyard and taking it easy:

Friday was spent out in the yard while we worked on a special place we're putting together for Jubilee.  To celebrate our girl we're creating a Jubilee garden full of perennials that will return each year as a reminder to shout for joy and celebrate life.  We are super excited about it.  Its in the works, and Friday was a big day for the backyard....followed by our daily campfire. =)

Saturday was another backyard day...I think.  I don't really remember what we did- ha!  I do, however, remember that we took a trip out to our favorite lake on Sunday.  Hello, 90 degrees in May!  We loved you.

We biked out to a parade on Monday...only to pull in to town just as the fire truck was bringing up the caboose.  Biking was not my favorite, so it was a BUM.MER. Our consolation prize was a trip to the park where Newbie and the Hubs found a turtle and caused all kinds of mischief by the river.  Newbie was rocking the helmet and shades in his "bike".

Monday night the Hubs and I had a laundry folding party while we watched Band of Brothers on DVD. We like to pop in Band of Brothers on special holidays to reflect on and remember the sacrifice so many have made and continue to make for our country.  [A big thank you to our troops and the families that serve with them from our neck of the woods!]

The Disney days countdown is getting thin on the wall, so I've been tackling laundry like crazy this week. We are so looking forward to spending some time away together as a family.  Lots of pictures to come!  More posts to come as well, one of these days when I have a little more heart to put behind them...right now I'm just pouring into my people. Someday I'll be back with more umph behind my posts, but in the meantime its on to green grass covered in toys and a basement covered in laundry!

Happy Tuesday!

10,000 Reasons

I sang this song to Newbie while leaning on the doorframe after tucking him into bed tonight. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

As I sang, his little voice floated across the room from his place under the covers, "Boo-ba-lee song".  You bet it is, little man.  This is most definitely one of our "Jubilee songs".

He's been associating a lot of the music we listen to and sing with his little sister, and this is one at the top of his list.  I love that he senses when our hearts our thinking of our Jubilee while we sing to Jesus...this kiddo is an intuitive little love.  And he's right.  I adore this song, and its one we listened to while Jubi was here and one we've been singing from the bottom of our hearts since she left. 


Your name is great and Your heart is kind

For all your goodness I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

*Pause the music on the right sidebar before playing

So blessed...and still singing when the evening comes. =)

Real.

I went back today for remembering. 

I woke up this morning, and I wanted to go.  I haven't been to her grave site since the day we buried her, and I wanted to go.  The past few weeks have been a blur, and though we've been drinking in deep of the now, I had started to feel numb- like maybe it was all a dream or something- like burying my daughter hadn't really happened.  The tears had come, the arms had ached, but somehow I had managed to guard my heart just enough in the past weeks to keep the full weight of the sorrow at bay- but today, I wanted to feel.

Its been three weeks since Jubilee was born and they laid her on my chest, and I wanted to remember. 

I wanted to be sure I'm feeling.  Everything.  So I had to go to a place where it all felt real.  Where its not possible to be numb or forget or get caught up in the rest of life, or even think only about where she is now.  I wanted to go somewhere where the sorrow would touch me- where it would rack my bones and touch my soul so I could know I'm doing this right.  That I'm grieving fully.  That I'm remembering and feeling and rejoicing and praising and being redeemed to the full.  Because I want this to be real.  This joy.  This assurance.  This faith that God is always good, and that His ways are higher than ours.  How could I know this peace is real if I didn't allow myself to feel the full weight of sorrow and loss?  So I wanted to go.  I wanted to go to the place where I could do nothing but remember and nothing but feel.

And I did.

When I got there, it was all real. 

And I remembered.

I remembered what it was like to hold a precious one pound and ten ounce little darling bundled up in a blanket in my arms.

I remembered what it was like to hold her tiny head in my hands.

I remembered how proud I was to show her to my sweet friends- how touched I was that they were just as in awe of her as I was.

I remembered how excited I was to tell her big brother that all of her bandaids were gone and that she was in Heaven with Jesus and his little sister Eden. 

I remembered his smile and his little voice in awe as he took in the "yiddle baby" with her "yiddle hands" and "yiddle nose" and "yiddle mouf".  I remembered his gentle excitement as he met his "yiddle schishter".

I remembered what it felt like to place my lips against her soft blond hair and kiss her. 

I remembered how much I loved watching her daddy hold her.

I remembered the captivating glimpse I caught of her gorgeous seaglass eyes.

I remembered the tightness in my throat when I let her go for the last time and handed her to her daddy.

I remembered the tears.  The way I couldn't breathe.  The pain of saying goodbye.

Then the torrent of tears came as I remembered what it felt like to kneel at her grave site and press my fingertips to her casket. 

I remembered what it felt like to be 26 and burying my daughter. 

I remembered how my heart swelled when I sang "Jesus Loves Me" because we had sung it to her so many times before bed and because it was such a simple song with such a beautiful promise.

As I kneeled on the damp earth, the sun shining warm on my shoulders, I saw that the dirt was fresh, the grass new. The sound of lawn mowers in the distance tethered my heart to reality, and as I ran the palm of my hand along the tips of the fresh new grass covering my daughter's grave, I remembered the pain- felt the pain.  My arms ached.  My tears fell. My heart squeezed.  My throat got tight, and my breath caught in my throat.  It was real.

But then my spirit took a breath- a deep, soul-filling breath- because the rest of it was real too:

His goodness.

His faithfulness.

His joy.

His grace.

His Kingdom.

His promise.

I remembered how He was faithful.  Through each and every step of the way.  I remembered how we made pile after pile of rocks along the side of the road while we were pregnant with Jubilee and after her birthday because we wanted to look back and see the piles and remember how faithful He was and how we saw His fingerprints on every bit of our story. 

And with tears sliding down my cheeks, I grinned. Because I went to into the deep.  I walked the valley again this afternoon, and I came out on the other side and it was all real- the pain, the suffering, the heartache- but the glorious part?  The glorious part is that this joy is real too.  This hope, this heart full of only gratitude to my God for the gift of our girl and for His plan for her- His plan for us- this heart and everything its been feeling- the joy amidst the sorrow is real. 

My daughter is gone, our hearts have been broken....and, by the grace of God and the tender healing hands of Jesus, I am filled with joy.  God's grace?  His mercy and tenderness and goodness and joy and hope? Its real.

I was afraid it wasn't.  I feared that if I went back and really remembered- that maybe I wouldn't get back up again.  That maybe my flesh would fail and that I wouldn't be able to see His fingerprints in it all.  But my flesh?  All it sees is Him- His goodness, faithfulness, joy, grace, promises- His hope. 

The tears are real.  The hurt is real.  The ache is oh, so very real.  But there's something more- the healing is real.  The peace is real.  The joy is everlasting.

Praise be to Jesus!

As I pulled out of the cemetery today, I pressed the brakes right in the middle of the road because as I passed the entrance where I had driven through to kneel again at Jubilee's grave, I saw rocks. A whole wall piled with them.

He is faithful.  His joy is real. Never once have we walked alone.  God's writing our story with grace, and today I looked back at our piles of rocks and remembered that He is always good- and felt to my core, to the depths of my soul, that His mercy and love endure forever.

Forever counting it all grace,

Brittany