Counting it all Grace

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

There is a secret to this.  To this walking the hard road.  To this carrying what you never thought you would have to- what you thought you could not.  To this living in the messy, the broken.  To this, the aching heart that must walk on.

I have learned the secret.

There is One who gives the strength.  There is One who does not empty when the well of the heart runs dry, cracked and parched- Whose cup overflows when your own is lacking completely. There is One whose yoke is light when the world's is heavy.  There is One whose Story runs deep and long and high and wide when all others end. 

Thursday we saw our baby on the ultrasound screen, and instead of finding out if we were having a boy or a girl, we found out that our baby is severely behind in growth and that the odds of survival beyond birth- or even making it that far- are extremely low.  From what they found on the ultrasound, if the baby makes it to full term, the ribs will not have developed enough for the lungs to function properly, and our baby will not be able to breathe. We met with a genetics counselor and the doctor and determined our plan. 

We want to be this sweet baby's Momma and Daddy for as long as we can. 

We don't know if that will be days or weeks or months, but we want to carry this gift and celebrate this life as long as our baby's heart keeps beating.

 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Mark 8:34

Oh, but how that cross is heavy.  The waiting.  The wondering.  The hoping, the dreaming, the longing for things that will not come, and the walking anyway.  All so heavy.  And yet, who are we to have tomorrow?  It's all grace- every last bit of it is grace.  Each day, a gift so far beyond what we deserve.  This babe in my womb, the kicks, the wiggles, the swoosh as she slides along the inside of my belly, the love we experience- oh, the depth of love we have for this small one- all grace.  A gift.  This pregnancy, this baby- a blessing lavished upon us, the undeserving. 

And so, we take up our cross, and we walk this road- this road with more bumps and turns than we could have ever imagined.  And we smile with hearts of joy because though the pain runs deep, so deep, we know the secret.  We know there is One who gives us the strength.  The strength to see each moment for what it is- a gift of God's grace- a helping of our daily bread so rich and infused with delight and love from our Creator, who are we to refuse such a delicacy?  And so we will celebrate life to the full, even while we ache at what we know we will miss, because we know that today is what we have, and today is a gift.  Because we know that there is One who will provide the strength to face tomorrow. 

We know the secret: God will give us everything we need.

He has, and He will.

And because of His faithfulness, we can be content.  

And so, we keep walking.  Carrying our cross, denying what we thought this journey held, what we hoped for, we pick up our cross and follow Jesus- the One who will give us all we need to walk- the One who gives us the strength to love and shout with joy, even now, even in this.

We keep walking and we love.  We love hard.  We love high and long and wide and deep.  We embrace today and we shout with joy, and what does that look like?  The embracing of today and the shouting with joy?  What does that look like when the baby inside is kicking and flipping and nudging and you know this may be all you have?  And how long will you have even that?

It looks like loving well.  It looks like living hard and making memories and celebrating the time we have as a family.  It looks like living a life of gratitude- of thanks for today, of thanks for the reminder to make each moment count.  It looks like soaking up every second of every minute of every moment.  It looks like giving this sweet one all of the things we hoped to give her or him then, now. To love the only way we can.

It means dipping my cup far down into the well of the One who never runs dry when the heart aches so much its hard to breathe and the tears stream long into the sleepless night.

It means an Oreo party, for starters.  

It means living in the hope that God's plans are bigger than ours and in the truth that His story is better than the one we would have written. Far, far better.

It means being intentional about sharing the experiences we want to share as a family as much as we can each day we are able.  It means giving Baby a high five when Newbie slam-dunks on the Little Tikes basketball hoop in the living room, and it means singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" all the way to Grandad's house on a Friday because there are not one, but two little souls who need to hear the song of the joyful heart- the heart that knows this isn't where the story ends, and we can smile today because we know Who holds tomorrow. We know the One whose story continues forever, a story in which we, blessed we, play a part!

This Momma knows the secret, and while the tears fall and the heart squeezes, we cannot deny that whatever happens will only unfold because it is a part of His plan- and He is always good.  He knows more than we know, sees more than we see, loves more than we love, and we know His will is good- how can we count today as anything but grace when we know it is all a part of His plan?

Because we know He will give us everything we need, and because we know today is a gift, this, friends, is a place where we celebrate His grace- where I will share all the ways we are loving hard while this little one is here.

Cue Oreo Party.

 

We don't want to miss a moment.  Which means chocolate on the belly and around the lips and the risk of spilling milk on the new carpet because everyone knows Oreos and milk taste better at the just-my-size table than anywhere else.

Celebrate today- today is a rich, deep gift from the One who loves you the most. 

Counting it all grace,

Brittany