Closets

I've cleaned a lot of closets lately.

My fingers fumble along the rows of junk stacked up on shelves, and I grab and rearrange and pitch and stack until everything looks organized and nice and neat.  Until I can see everything that's there and know where everything is and feel like every nook and cranny has been de-junked and put back together. 

It was something I had to do this week.  Like the closets were pulling me in by some force that over powered the stacks of dishes and the packing for Disney and the soul searching.  Everything fell to the back burner because there was this crazed need to CLEAN THE CLOSETS RIGHT NOW.

And it wasn't until I stepped back and admired my third pristine closet that I realized why I needed to clean them. 

I had to clean closets because cleaning a three foot by two foot closet was something I could control. It was something I could do.  I could clear it out from top to bottom, organize every shelf and corner, and then step back and admire the clean cut and straight forward peace of the space.

I had to clean closets because in the past several days, my fingers have been fumbling through my heart, trying to organize the shelves and dig into the corners, and I've come away frustrated.  Unable to find every nook and cranny.  Why have I not felt like writing? Unsure of where to place the pieces that were wandering from shelf to shelf.  What do I do with the minutes of my day now that she's not here? Incapable of determining which way was up and which way was down and whether or not that book should even be there.  What's up with feeling this deep, certain and steadfast joy, but being bummed out and mopey sometimes at the same time?

Where does all this stuff go and how do I clean this thing out and make sense of it all?

I realized my heart was a bruised and battered mess after the challenge of the past several months, and while I was desperate to clean it up and make sense of all the bits and pieces- put them each in their place and stand back and admire the finished product- I realized I couldn't do it.  The closets in my heart were just too confusing and too overwhelming and too messy.  So I dropped everything where it was and decided to clean some tangible closets.  Because that I could do.

When I saw my fingers fumbling along the piles of junk and sorting through the books and baskets, I realized fumbling along the piles is what I had been doing in my own heart.  An unreachable result, but one I had been fumbling to find anyway.  Because I don't like messy closets.  I don't like not being able to determine whats there and being able to sweep out the corners and organize the mess.

My heart is just such a mess.

Then I heard Him.  As my brow furrowed and I cried out in frustration, trying to pin down exactly what was going on in the incredibly messy closet of my heart, His voice whispered and He came up behind me and put His hand on my shoulder, gently pulling me back from the mess: "Beloved, let me do it.  This is a closet you can't clean.  I've got it.  Let me pick up the pieces and put them in the right place.  Don't worry about the why's and the what's and the how's.  Don't worry about what to do and what to say and where to be.  Just be still and know that I am God.  I'll take care of the rest.  I'm good with battered and bruised, Beloved.  I've got this."

So instead of fumbling through the mess, fingers frantic and desperate to make sense of it all, I'm sitting back.  I'm planting myself on the floor, stilling my fluttering fingers, taking a deep breath, and just letting Him do His thing.

I was talking with my dad a few nights ago about this cleaning of closets.  This trying to sort through my heart and trying to figure out whats what and questioning my peace and the joy I have despite my awful circumstances.  I was grappling with the mixed feelings of joy and sorrow and hurt and healing, trying to put each in its place and explain why what should go where. He told me to stop trying to figure it all out.  To just be.  To let the feelings come as they come and to stop trying to place things on the right shelf and sort through what should be there and what shouldn't because God would provide and the peace I was trying to sort through was simply His provision. Not something to be placed on a shelf and sorted through, but something to be left alone.  To just be.  I didn't realize it at the time, but he was telling me to stop trying to clean the closet.  To just let God do His thing and to trust the process.  Trust that God is a better closet cleaner than I am, that He knows my heart better than I do, and to step back and let Him do His work in me.

That was three days ago.  I was still trying to clean closets. 

Then last night, I poured my soul out to a dear friend on the phone- all about how I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to write anymore. That I want so much to describe where I'm at but that I can't because I don't know.  And because it changes all the time.  I want to write about all thing wonderful things God has done and each of His fingerprints we've seen on Jubilee's story and since her birthday, but each time I try I freeze up. I don't always know what I'm feeling or how to put words to the thousands of things going through my mind every day. I don't question God's love or His goodness or His plan, but the whole thing just runs so deep that I can't make sense of it.  Everything in the closet is just so stinking heavy.  Its hard to move it from one place to another or figure out what it is in the first place.  I told her that sometimes all I want to talk about or write about is how we just hammered down the last of our Girl Scout cookie stash and how I'm not sure if I should take two bottles of sunscreen to Disney or three.  And do you know what she said?  She said write about it.  She told me the same thing my dad did just days before: stop cleaning the closet and just let Him do His work in me.  And write about it.  All of it. The frustration, the changing feelings, the blood and the sweat and the tears and the cookies and the sunscreen.  She told me to stop trying to figure it all out and make it right and just write about where I'm at. 

So that's what I'm doing.  It took me a while to get here...to stop fidgeting with all the stuff in the closet and to just step back and let God clean it out and make sense of it all as I rest and watch and be still and just know that He is God.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.

2 Thessalonians 3:16

I'm writing today about where I'm at.  Yesterday I was cleaning closets.  Today I'm letting Him do the cleaning.  Letting Him give me peace. I'm breathing easier because when I am still, I know that He is God and that He's got this. 

And I'm absolutely taking three bottles of sunscreen to Disney.  =)

Bits and Pieces

I'm hoping to get into a better blogging groove when we return from vacation in a few weeks, but these days have been spent with my family and friends trying to pick up the pieces and get back into a routine around here.  We're doing really well, but we miss our girl and things like blogging just kinda hit the back burner when I could be outside eating ice cream with my boy and working in the yard with my man.  One of these days I will get back into regular posts that are not so few and far between, but I'm still counting these our Jubilee days- making each moment count and being fully present with my family while we walk through the healing process.

That said, we had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend enjoying time together as a family of three, soaking up the sun in the backyard and taking it easy:

Friday was spent out in the yard while we worked on a special place we're putting together for Jubilee.  To celebrate our girl we're creating a Jubilee garden full of perennials that will return each year as a reminder to shout for joy and celebrate life.  We are super excited about it.  Its in the works, and Friday was a big day for the backyard....followed by our daily campfire. =)

Saturday was another backyard day...I think.  I don't really remember what we did- ha!  I do, however, remember that we took a trip out to our favorite lake on Sunday.  Hello, 90 degrees in May!  We loved you.

We biked out to a parade on Monday...only to pull in to town just as the fire truck was bringing up the caboose.  Biking was not my favorite, so it was a BUM.MER. Our consolation prize was a trip to the park where Newbie and the Hubs found a turtle and caused all kinds of mischief by the river.  Newbie was rocking the helmet and shades in his "bike".

Monday night the Hubs and I had a laundry folding party while we watched Band of Brothers on DVD. We like to pop in Band of Brothers on special holidays to reflect on and remember the sacrifice so many have made and continue to make for our country.  [A big thank you to our troops and the families that serve with them from our neck of the woods!]

The Disney days countdown is getting thin on the wall, so I've been tackling laundry like crazy this week. We are so looking forward to spending some time away together as a family.  Lots of pictures to come!  More posts to come as well, one of these days when I have a little more heart to put behind them...right now I'm just pouring into my people. Someday I'll be back with more umph behind my posts, but in the meantime its on to green grass covered in toys and a basement covered in laundry!

Happy Tuesday!

10,000 Reasons

I sang this song to Newbie while leaning on the doorframe after tucking him into bed tonight. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

As I sang, his little voice floated across the room from his place under the covers, "Boo-ba-lee song".  You bet it is, little man.  This is most definitely one of our "Jubilee songs".

He's been associating a lot of the music we listen to and sing with his little sister, and this is one at the top of his list.  I love that he senses when our hearts our thinking of our Jubilee while we sing to Jesus...this kiddo is an intuitive little love.  And he's right.  I adore this song, and its one we listened to while Jubi was here and one we've been singing from the bottom of our hearts since she left. 


Your name is great and Your heart is kind

For all your goodness I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

*Pause the music on the right sidebar before playing

So blessed...and still singing when the evening comes. =)

Real.

I went back today for remembering. 

I woke up this morning, and I wanted to go.  I haven't been to her grave site since the day we buried her, and I wanted to go.  The past few weeks have been a blur, and though we've been drinking in deep of the now, I had started to feel numb- like maybe it was all a dream or something- like burying my daughter hadn't really happened.  The tears had come, the arms had ached, but somehow I had managed to guard my heart just enough in the past weeks to keep the full weight of the sorrow at bay- but today, I wanted to feel.

Its been three weeks since Jubilee was born and they laid her on my chest, and I wanted to remember. 

I wanted to be sure I'm feeling.  Everything.  So I had to go to a place where it all felt real.  Where its not possible to be numb or forget or get caught up in the rest of life, or even think only about where she is now.  I wanted to go somewhere where the sorrow would touch me- where it would rack my bones and touch my soul so I could know I'm doing this right.  That I'm grieving fully.  That I'm remembering and feeling and rejoicing and praising and being redeemed to the full.  Because I want this to be real.  This joy.  This assurance.  This faith that God is always good, and that His ways are higher than ours.  How could I know this peace is real if I didn't allow myself to feel the full weight of sorrow and loss?  So I wanted to go.  I wanted to go to the place where I could do nothing but remember and nothing but feel.

And I did.

When I got there, it was all real. 

And I remembered.

I remembered what it was like to hold a precious one pound and ten ounce little darling bundled up in a blanket in my arms.

I remembered what it was like to hold her tiny head in my hands.

I remembered how proud I was to show her to my sweet friends- how touched I was that they were just as in awe of her as I was.

I remembered how excited I was to tell her big brother that all of her bandaids were gone and that she was in Heaven with Jesus and his little sister Eden. 

I remembered his smile and his little voice in awe as he took in the "yiddle baby" with her "yiddle hands" and "yiddle nose" and "yiddle mouf".  I remembered his gentle excitement as he met his "yiddle schishter".

I remembered what it felt like to place my lips against her soft blond hair and kiss her. 

I remembered how much I loved watching her daddy hold her.

I remembered the captivating glimpse I caught of her gorgeous seaglass eyes.

I remembered the tightness in my throat when I let her go for the last time and handed her to her daddy.

I remembered the tears.  The way I couldn't breathe.  The pain of saying goodbye.

Then the torrent of tears came as I remembered what it felt like to kneel at her grave site and press my fingertips to her casket. 

I remembered what it felt like to be 26 and burying my daughter. 

I remembered how my heart swelled when I sang "Jesus Loves Me" because we had sung it to her so many times before bed and because it was such a simple song with such a beautiful promise.

As I kneeled on the damp earth, the sun shining warm on my shoulders, I saw that the dirt was fresh, the grass new. The sound of lawn mowers in the distance tethered my heart to reality, and as I ran the palm of my hand along the tips of the fresh new grass covering my daughter's grave, I remembered the pain- felt the pain.  My arms ached.  My tears fell. My heart squeezed.  My throat got tight, and my breath caught in my throat.  It was real.

But then my spirit took a breath- a deep, soul-filling breath- because the rest of it was real too:

His goodness.

His faithfulness.

His joy.

His grace.

His Kingdom.

His promise.

I remembered how He was faithful.  Through each and every step of the way.  I remembered how we made pile after pile of rocks along the side of the road while we were pregnant with Jubilee and after her birthday because we wanted to look back and see the piles and remember how faithful He was and how we saw His fingerprints on every bit of our story. 

And with tears sliding down my cheeks, I grinned. Because I went to into the deep.  I walked the valley again this afternoon, and I came out on the other side and it was all real- the pain, the suffering, the heartache- but the glorious part?  The glorious part is that this joy is real too.  This hope, this heart full of only gratitude to my God for the gift of our girl and for His plan for her- His plan for us- this heart and everything its been feeling- the joy amidst the sorrow is real. 

My daughter is gone, our hearts have been broken....and, by the grace of God and the tender healing hands of Jesus, I am filled with joy.  God's grace?  His mercy and tenderness and goodness and joy and hope? Its real.

I was afraid it wasn't.  I feared that if I went back and really remembered- that maybe I wouldn't get back up again.  That maybe my flesh would fail and that I wouldn't be able to see His fingerprints in it all.  But my flesh?  All it sees is Him- His goodness, faithfulness, joy, grace, promises- His hope. 

The tears are real.  The hurt is real.  The ache is oh, so very real.  But there's something more- the healing is real.  The peace is real.  The joy is everlasting.

Praise be to Jesus!

As I pulled out of the cemetery today, I pressed the brakes right in the middle of the road because as I passed the entrance where I had driven through to kneel again at Jubilee's grave, I saw rocks. A whole wall piled with them.

He is faithful.  His joy is real. Never once have we walked alone.  God's writing our story with grace, and today I looked back at our piles of rocks and remembered that He is always good- and felt to my core, to the depths of my soul, that His mercy and love endure forever.

Forever counting it all grace,

Brittany

More Schwimmin'

Something about realizing how fragile life is makes each day so much sweeter.  I remember sitting in the hospital room the day after Jubilee's birthday, picturing coming home and playing with Newbie in the backyard.  His big blue eyes looked up at me from his place on the grass in my daydream, and I remember thinking to myself, Do you realize how much sweeter life is now?  Saying goodbye to my precious girl has helped me bend lower and lower in gratitude to God for now.  Life is sweeter now because I know so well that now doesn't last and that now is all we have.

I'm grateful for the lesson.

We're drinking deep of the now.  And it is so, so sweet!  Praising Jesus for today while slurping every last drop out of the bottom of the glass on these warm spring days and nights:

Post-toddler bedtime campfires with my man...and Opie. 

(He thinks I'm funny.)

A Friday afternoon enjoying the new swimming pool Aunt Corndog brought over for Newbie. Aunt Corndog rocks.

(He thought this pool was too awesome to wait 'til he got his swimsuit on...or his shoes off!)

A Saturday morning trip with Daddy-O to chop those darling curls for the summer.

Got my bald-headed baby boy back.

We spent this afternoon in our swimsuits in the backyard working on some sunburns in preparation for Florida.  (Oops!)  The Hubs and I sat in chairs on either side of the kiddie pool with our feet in the water (sans enough sunscreen) while Newbie (complete with rash guard down to his wrists and plenty of sunscreen) vacillated between dumping buckets of water on Opie and bobbing his head grinning from ear to ear as we fulfilled his request for the Veggie Tales theme song while splashing our feet in the water.   ...Then the "Woody song"....then the "Buzz song"....then the "Yightning McKeen song".  ...He's kinda got us where he wants us. =)

After an hour and a half outside, we asked Newbie if he was ready to go in and take a nap.  His answer? "More schwimmin'!"  And so we did....slurping every last drop, baby.

Happy Weekending Slurping!

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago, we were here:

So excited about finally getting to see our baby girl.

I can't believe its been two weeks- the days drift by so quickly.  I had to flip through my camera this morning to remember what we've been up to over the past 14 days, and decided on a May 2012 Photo Dump for this morning:

While we were at the hospital recovering, Newbie was at home having absolutely no fun at all without us.

I spent a special Mother's Day thanking God for my three littles and snuggling the one we get to hang out with everyday.  He wasn't really into the photo opp- far more interested in the "wocks" in the grass than posing for a Mother's Day picture with his momma, but I smooched him anyway. =)

We've stocked up on thank-you notes to begin to try and attempt to express our gratitude for all the prayers and love extending to us over the past few months.  I wish I could write one and send it out to each and every one of you- I am so, so thankful for your love, prayers, and support.  xoxo

We're counting down to Disney.  We are so, so grateful to have the opportunity to take this getaway and make some memories as a family.  And the packing has begun.  Hello, Dollar Store glow sticks and endless supply of swim diapers and sunscreen.  I love you.

Newbie is gearing up for the big trip.  To infinity and beyond, baby. He is a mega Buzz Lightyear fan, and has been "an deyon!"...ing off of everything.  If we hear "an deeyon!" coming from somewhere in the house, we sprint to the place the sound came from because he is guaranteed to be gearing up to jump off of something like Buzz does in Toy Story.  Brother doesn't get the whole "you can't fly" thing.

Tickets came in the mail yesterday.  Woohoo! Why is Mickey Mouse so exciting?!

Haircut is on the agenda.  Like a sheep to the shears, we are going in for the summer cut.  I can't hardly stand the thought of whacking off those curls, but they are out. of. control.  and we're pretty sure they'll just be plastered to his forehead if we don't do something about it before we hit the Florida heat.  We're just hoping the curls come back...they did last time, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

(Hello, teething toddler.  Binky in the mouth like that means only one thing: cranky teeth coming through!)

Opie is living the dream.

And our Jubilee bunny? She's back on the shelf... and her bandaids are all gone.  Talk about shouting for joy! =)

It has been a rich and full two weeks. I'm thinking about our girl today- Praising Jesus for the journey we had with her over the past seven months and thanking Him for all we have to look forward to when we get to Heaven. 

...Holding her hand two weeks ago?  Best. feeling. ever.

(Jubilee, we so enjoyed your birthday, Sweet Girl.  What a gift you are!)

God is good.

All the time.

The Beautiful In-Between

You know you haven't blogged in a while when you second guess your password while logging in.  Yikes.

I'm sorry to leave you all hanging- I've been wanting to get on and write about the last week and a half, but its just a lot.  A lot a lot a lot.  And to be honest, I'm still taking it all in and processing everything.  As we try and get back into a routine around the house, I feel like I'm still only functioning on half a brain.  All the energy from the functioning half is poured into trying to soak in every moment I can with Newbie and being fully present with him after being so busy over the past couple weeks.  The other half is just numb, because what else can it be after saying goodbye to a sweet blue-eyed daughter?

The few times I have wanted to sit down and write, exhaustion has just taken over, and I've opted to sit by the campfire with the Hubs or jot down a few notes for our Disney trip instead.  I think part of my problem is I just don't know where to start.  God was in so many of the details from the moment we arrived at the hospital all the way through to the moment we released balloons at Jubilee's grave site and then even into the now- the picking up of the pieces once we got back home.  He is and was just so fully there- so fully here- and so fully good, that I struggle to know where to begin to capture each little piece and put it into words to share. So I think I'm just going to pick up on the blog with where we are now, and I'll go back and revisit Jubilee's beautiful birthday and her Heaven Party and God's gracious provision in the details when the timing's right. 

Where we are now is the beautiful in-between...the place where we rejoice in each day because it is a gift full of God-moments, but also the place where we look forward to tomorrow because one of these tomorrows is going to be the day we get to go Home and be free from all the brokenness and sorrow. Oh, how we know sorrow.  And oh, how we long for that day when we can escape the in-between and live in the grace of God-moments all the time.  I smile when I think about how my girls know it- the grace of the all-the-time God moments where His glory and presence are fully known.  What blessed little girls they are!

So where we are now: the beautiful in-between...

The Hubs and I are sitting by the campfire almost every night after Newbie goes to bed and thinking and talking and praying and dreaming together.  We're giving each other grace in the grief and somehow falling more in love with one another despite the challenge of the past several months.  My man's a keeper.  =)

We're planning a trip to Disney World that we'll be taking soon.  Because sometimes it feels really good to not think about anything but whether or not to take a carseat on the airplane or if we should see Epcot fireworks or Magic Kingdom fireworks on a Friday night. We are so grateful for a chance to get away together as a family and for a fun distraction to tend to during the quiet hours of the day.

Newbie is talking more than I ever imagined he would, and he's making us laugh all. the. time.  Tonight he asked me to sing a song about a "tadder peeyar" (caterpillar) before bed.  He has me wrapped around his finger, because I totally made up a song about a caterpillar.  I am sooo thankful for the belly laughs we get from that kiddo. The morning of Jubilee's Heaven Party, he told us Jubi was in Heaven with the baby bird (long story- but related to a dead baby bird he stumbled upon in our backyard the day after we got home from the hospital) and Jesus eating "wucky farms" (Lucky Charms).  We have been so blessed to see the loss of our daughter through the eyes of her big brother- Newbie understands what so many of us have a hard time seeing: Newbie knows that God is good all the time and that He's taking good care of his little sister.  He doesn't doubt God's plan or question why his sister had to go- he just celebrates that she was here and that she's where God wants her to be now- He knows that Heaven is a party worth celebrating with Lucky Charms (a prized breakfast treat in our house).  I love seeing life through his little blue eyes.

In the in-between, there are tears that come and go.  I lost it at the table while we were eating dinner a few nights ago and Newbie looked up from his plate and said, "Mommy is a yiddle sad" with a concerned tone in his voice.  It broke my heart that he picked up on my change in emotion so quickly. I pulled it together enough to give one of those really wet smiles where you can't see through the blur of tears but you think maybe your teeth are showing, and he bought it thanks to a good distracting conversation from his daddy about the awesome bubble bath he could take after dinner.

The sadness just comes in waves. The bottom line is that I miss her like crazy.  Like CRAZY. And there's an aching and a longing for a little head of soft blond hair that will never go away, but there's something else there too.  Its the thing that gets me up from that soggy dining room chair and into the bedroom to pick out some awesome Toy Story jammies for my little man: Joy.  Joy because I know that God is good all the time.  Joy because He was there, His fingerprints all over the past seven months, and Joy because she was here, all over the past seven months.  Joy because we knew her and we loved her and Joy because we won't forget what she taught us: Shout for joy and give thanks in all things. 

And so in the beautiful in-between, the tears fall and the arms ache and long and the heart squeezes raw, but there is so much joy because we know where she is and we know what God taught us through her: Today is a gift.  So we're taking what we know, and we're putting one foot in front of the other each moment of each day and trusting Him because He is enough.  I'm pouring every ounce of energy I have into shouting for joy and making every moment count.  I'm watering the plants with Newbie and laughing with the Hubs and hugging each friend who walks in the door because God is good all the time and because I want to drink deeply from today.  I want to cry big tears that sop the pillow and I want to laugh from my belly up- I want to feel it all fully and be completely present Today because now is such a beautiful gift.

It may be a while before I write again- crying big tears that sop the pillow and laughing from the belly up takes a lot out of a girl. =) Thanks for being patient while I put one foot in front of the other, and I promise one of these days I'll get back on the blogging train.  In the meantime, I'm soaking up in the beautiful in-between and keeping my eyes peeled for those God-moments that give us all the more reason to shout for joy.

Blessings,

Brittany

A quick hello...

Its been quiet on the blog lately because my heart just has so much to say that I don't know where to start and need some time to hash it all out.

That said, I wanted to pop in and say we are resting in the hope and joy of our Lord and smiling as we remember our sweet girl and reflect on what a blessed day her birthday was last week!  I'm also enjoying getting to be Momma to my charming little mister and gaining energy back that I've been missing for a while.  Its amazing what a game of peek-a-boo or whipping up a pot of mac and cheese for a little person can do for the soul. =) No doubt, there's a box of tissue in every room, but we are still shouting for joy!

We're eating well (thanks to many family and friends!), being showered in sweet cards, and loads of beautiful flowers.  The latest news is that we're currently planning a trip to Disney World to get away together as a family of three and have some fun while we refresh and renew- I can't tell you how stoked Newbie is to see "Lowdy" and Buzz and Mickey Mouse.  His eyes get big and wide, and it didn't take him long to pick up on "we dowing to DIZNEY WOWD!" There were more movies played than usual the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and I think its going to end up serving his Disney World experience well (mother of the year award, right?  opps!)  He's got his favorites, and we're looking forward to sneaking away for some down time together.

I have so, so much to share, but truly haven't had the brainpower to sit down and let my heart gush into the keys just yet.  We're still in get-through-the-day mode, and I wear out easy, so after a day of playing with Newbie and doing a load of laundry eating a few cookies and taking a nap, I'm beat. Its coming, though, I promise, and its all good stuff.  God is so faithful, and we are just dwelling in His goodness and grace- and dreaming of the day we get to nuzzle that precious head of darling blond hair again!

Hugs to you all, and a big thank you to those of you who are continuing to lift us in prayer- we need it!

Brittany

A Heaven Party

You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary 
    and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

Sweet Jubilee Ann,

Today is your Heaven Party!  Your big brother was so excited to hear we are throwing you a party today.  Yesterday he stayed home while Mommy and Daddy went to visit with lots of friends and family, but today he gets to come and celebrate you with us. He can't wait to have a party for his "yiddle shish-sher".  Little Girl, do you know how many people love you and have been sharing your story?  So many!  Mommy and Daddy's hearts smiled to see how many people came to remember you yesterday.  It is so fun for us to hear how God has used your story to be a blessing to others- it is just icing on the cake because Darling, you were the biggest blessing to us!

Today at your Heaven Party we are going to celebrate all that Jesus taught us through you, Little One, and the precious gift that you are to us.  Mommy is just aching to sing some songs and worship the King of Kings in thanks today.  God is so good, Jubilee, and we are just overjoyed knowing you are with Him now.  Did you know Mr. Joe is going to be singing with us?!  Just like every Sunday while you were here- he is going to lead us in worship, and it makes Mommy so happy that you will be hearing a familiar joyful noise from your front row seat in Heaven today. =)

Jubilee Ann, Momma misses you so, so much.  I loved getting to hold you on your birthday and my arms miss the weight of your sweet little self.  Jubilee, your daddy misses you too- he took such good care of you and Mommy is just so happy you and your brother and sister have such an amazing Daddy.  He makes it so easy for us to know what kind of love our Father in Heaven has for us! We miss you, so much, Jubilee, but Sweetheart, Mommy knows where you are, and when I think about how you get to see Jesus' face and walk in God's glory and hold hands with your big sister and play with all the sweet children we know are there with you, I am just so, so happy!  I loved getting to tell Big Brother that Jesus has taken off all your bandaids and made you new!  Tears fall because I wish that Mommy and Daddy and Big Brother could be there with you now, but we will have to wait until Jesus says its time for us to come Home too.  Oh, Sweet Girl, how blessed you are to be Home, and how very much your family looks forward to being there with you!

Jubilee, you taught your mommy so much.  Did you know that God used you to change Momma's heart forever?  He did!  You and your big sister have helped Mommy see what a gift each and every day we have is, and have helped me bend deeper and bow lower in thanks to the One who gives us our every breath.  Jubilee, you have taught Mommy and Daddy to shout for joy in all things because God is good and His love endures forever.   Do you know how much sweeter knowing that trick makes our everydays?  Each day and every breath is so much sweeter knowing God is good all the time and that its a long way Home, but that we'll get there soon and there is so much to look forward to! You have changed us, Jubilee, and God has done great and mighty things through you and your time here.  Mommy is so proud of you, Sweet Girl, and I can't wait to see those beautiful seaglass blue eyes and nuzzle my nose into your beautiful blond hair.  Jubilee, we can't wait to hold you again!

We miss you, so, so much, but we know there is no better place to be than where you are right now.  We know that all the good in this world, all the beauty and love and delight, are just glimpses of God-moments: peeks of God's glory that we are sprinkled with here.  But Little Girl, you know what its like to live in those God moments all the time! To dwell in His glory and be surrounded in the warmth of His love and, oh, to see His face!  Did you dance for Jesus, Jubi?  Because Mommy knows you are a good dancer.  I hope you did- I hope you dance for Him in Heaven like we danced for Him when you were here!  And Jubilee, its only just begun, darling!  All the light you know, all the love, all the grace and the joy and the beauty- it will be there for always, and we can't wait to come and see the things you see and do the things you do and love the way you love. 

So today, Little Lady, we are having a Heaven Party just for you!  To celebrate God's goodness and His love and His rescue- to praise Him for sending Jesus here so we would know how much He loves us and so that we can look forward to being with Him forever.  And we're celebrating you, Jubilee.  We are thanking God for your smiles in the womb and your beautiful blond hair and the way you taught us to give thanks in all things and shout for joy to the Lord because He is good! 

Mommy and Daddy and Big Brother love you so, so much, Jubi.  Give your big sister Eden a hug for us and you two know that Big Brother loves his sisters and talks about you with such joy.  Know that Mommy and Daddy are so blessed to have been entrusted with you and your little hearts and that we love you with everything in us.  Know that you both have taught us how to love Jesus more and trust the Lord with all our hearts and minds and souls.  And know that you have family and friends just bursting with the anticipation of meeting you and giving you a big squeeze. 

I am so happy to have my girls together, dancing in fields of grace and knowing the fullness of the depths of God's love, Jubliee.  We will work hard while we're here on our way Home, because we know He has a plan and a purpose for each of us (you did such a good job of doing what He sent you here to do, Jubi!!!) and we will come Home running when Jesus says its time.

I love you with all of my heart, Sweet Girl, and today, Jubilee, because His love is better than life, we are shouting for joy!

love you forever,

Momma

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

Joyful

Updating to let you know if you are planning on meeting with us today, we are still on for the park!  There is a chance of rain, so if it looks wet, bring your umbrella and come find us under the tent. ...Looks like we might just be blessed with some Healing Rain. =)

I'm really looking forward to celebrating my girl today, and Newbie is stoked about "Jubilee's Heaven Party".  He asked about some of the flowers we have set out around the house, and I explained that because Jubilee's in Heaven with Jesus now we are going to throw her a Heaven Party.  He snuggled Jubi's bunny this morning and watched a slideshow we've put together.  Brother is processing things in his own way, and we are so blessed by his sweet heart.  Funerals are a lot less intimidating when you look at them through the eyes of a toddler- praise Jesus for childlike faith!  Our little crew is anticipating Jubilee's Heaven Party with joy today. 
(Don't forget to pause music on the right sidebar before playing video)

You are the One who saves,

You are the One who saves

You are the One who’s hands lift us from the grave

Wishing you all a blessed Sabbath!

Brittany

Plans and Remembering

My little family is snuggled in at home bustling through plans to celebrate LIFE this weekend!  We're staying warm with memories of our sweet girl and with to-do lists to throw her a good party over the next few days (hello, Pinterest boards!).  We'll be meeting with close family and friends this weekend to give thanks for our Jubilee Ann and to shout for joy for all God has done through our little lady.  I can't tell you how much joy I find each morning, despite the aching arms and longing heart-joy and grace abounds! Our God is so, so good!

I'll be back tomorrow for a quick weather update for our plans and then again early next week once things slow down to share all the things my heart has been longing to squeeze out onto the computer keys for days. Thanks for being patient in the waiting while we work through the busyness of this weekend.  Can't wait to share more with you all- oh, that blonde hair!  She was beautiful- so much like her big brother in so many ways. I'm itching to share more and will as soon as I can. =)

Thank you again for all the prayers and love- sending the love right back at you!

xoxo,

Brittany

Home

At home with one of my favorites...

Just wanted to drop in with a little update.  ...Still feeling a little woozy- prayers for physical recovery would be so, so appreciated. =)

love,

Brittany

In all things

Our sweet Jubilee Ann (we were right about her being a girl!!!) was born yesterday, and I can't tell you what a delight it was to finally get to see her!  She was a whopping one pound and ten ounces and ten inches long, and we swooned over every last little inch of her yesterday.  God has been so good and faithful to us- I'm looking forward to sharing more once we get back home and things settle down a bit.  Momma's feeling a little woozy today and they aren't letting us go home until I start feeling less light-headed.  There was rumor of a blood transfusion, but that plan's been nixed after determining that its not that serious.  Orange juice and rest have been prescribed instead, and they're keeping tabs on me. Meanwhile, the Hubs and I are thinking non-woozy thoughts and anxiously awaiting the "ok" to get back home to our little guy.  I'm too overwhelmed to place the ever-fluxuating emotions of today, but we are certainly ready to get back home and breathe in our own space.

Thank you so much for all the love and prayers- we have been so blessed and humbled over the past 24 hours, there just aren't words to express our thankfulness for the outpouring of love from so many of you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Our nurses have been amazing, and this morning our nurse brought in a memory book that has entries from several parents in similar situations to ours.  The book stays at the hospital and is just a way to leave a little note behind to remember your baby.  I wrote a little note to Jubilee in the book, and since its the first time I've written since she was born,  I wanted to have a copy of it to keep. I've copied it below-  I wrote in few words, but it captures a bit of what our hearts are feeling today, and I wanted to share with those of you who have been walking this road with us. Thank you again for all the love- it has been, and continues to be, such a gift.

May 3, 2012

Sweet Jubilee Ann,

You are such a treasure to your mommy and daddy and your big brother [Newbie].  We have loved you since we learned God was entrusting you to us seven months ago.  What a blessing it was to hold your little self and see your sweet face yesterday!  Right away we knew you had gone to be with Jesus and your big sister Eden, and we were so happy for you, sweet girl.  We can't wait to join you there!  When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!

Jubilee, you have taught us how to shout for joy and to give thanks to our God in all things.  Oh, how we love you and how we will carry what you taught us each and every day until we get to hold you again.

Psalm 100

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth
Worship the Lord with gladness
Come before Him with joyful songs; know that the Lord is God
It is He who made us and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name
For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Jubilee, God has been so faithful to us, and we are so thankful for the hope we have in Jesus and the joy we have been given through you, darling.

We love you so very much and will miss you each and every day until we see you and your big sister Eden.

Hugs and kisses to you from all of us, sweet girl!

Love,

Momma, Daddy, and [Newbie]

Jubilee Update

This is Brittany's friend, Amber. She has asked me to update her friends and family.

Jubilee is currently cuddled in her Mommy and Daddy's arms, and her soul is with Jesus and her older sister, Eden, in Heaven. She was born and went to Heaven at about 12:30pm. She weighed in at 1 lb. 10.4oz. and 10 inches long. She is precious and being loved on by her family. They are soaking in every moment they can have with their sweet daughter. Please continue to pray for the family during this time. We're so proud of them and the way they continue to give God all of the glory, even in times like these. Thank you for all of your encouragement and support, I know it means so much to them. -Amber

All is grace

Hi everyOne.... Wanted to let you know my water broke this afternoon and Jubilee is on her way. It's a slow moving train at this point and they don't expect her to arrive until tomorrow, but I wanted to update u all on what's up and ask for some prayer. I'm feeling good and so at peace with GOD's timing. We have already been blessed with wonderful nurses and care-so grateful to be in good hands. When we pray, He hears.... Please pray for peace- it is abundant now and we are hoping it stays that way. =) Please pray for Newbie....he has fabulous caregivers but it's night number two in the toddler bed and its hard to be gone during a transition like that. I'm surrendering him to the Lord but hoping for a smooth night and day for him tomorrow. And please pray for Jubilee-her little heart was still beating when we were admitted and we're just praying God would lavish His mercy on her and that she would come and go peacefully. Most of all, please pray that Jubilee's story continues to speak Jesus' story- we are still shouting for joy! Thank you so much for the prayers and love, friends. My sweet friend Amber will be back with an update when we have one. Counting it ALL grace, Brittany

More

Sunday night while I was getting ready for bed, I heard Newbie start wailing from his room.  He's done this a little bit lately, so I didn't think much of it when I saw the Hubs slip into Newbie's room to check on him.  Five minutes later, when I made it back to my bedroom, Newbie was sitting in bed with the Hubs, looking up at me with a grin.

The Hubs: "Tell Momma what you did..."

The boy: "Mommy, Mommy- fall bed, bonk a da head!"

Yes. He. Did. 

The Hubs said he walked into Newbie's room and found him sitting on the floor by his crib saying he "bonk a da head...fall bed" with big, sappy eyes. Looks like we've got a little Bear Grylls on our hands.  Where did our baby boy go?!

So last night when the Hubs got home from work, it was big boy bed time.  Newbie got out his tools and helped his daddy convert his crib into a big boy toddler bed. 

(Yes, we are rocking Elmo pj pants and a Curious George t-shirt.  Its how we roll on Mondays.)

Jubilee helped.

(Baby has mad tape measuring skills.)

The pregnancy hormones were raging while I watched them dissemble the crib I had tucked Newbie into so many nights in a row.  Flashbacks to the sweet little baby boy I brought home from the hospital played through my mind.

As I pictured his little self swaddled up on the mattress or those sleepy eyes and bald head smiling up at me behind the binky through the crib slats early in the morning, my heart squeezed in gratitude that I was blessed to do it once- bring home a little pink baby and tuck him into bed. 

(image created by http://www.trudyholtzphotography.com/)

And I decided if I knew then what I know now- about how babies are one of God's greatest miracles and about how they don't stay babies for always- and if I'm ever given the blessing of bringing home a tiny pink baby again, I would do more to savor those precious days...

(Image created by http://www.trudyholtzphotography.com/)

I would kiss those tiny toes an extra twenty times each time I saw them.

I would rest my nose against that downy hair a little longer and breathe in the smell of newness long after baby fell asleep on my shoulder.

During those late night feedings, when I could barely stumble to the nursery for all the lack of sleep, I would cuddle that little bundle while we rocked and nursed, and I would drink in that I had a little someone to care for in the wee hours of the night.

I would swoon over each little outfit that came out of the dryer- no matter the pile of laundry waiting in line.

When I looked at the monitor and saw a little roly poly six month old turning 360's on his mattress and wailing for Momma, I would jump out of bed and not feel guilty about breaking the rules that one book and my doctor gave me about just letting him cry.  I would rub his back and sing to him and rock him until he fell asleep without second guessing how snuggling a crying baby at night would ruin bedtimes forever...don't they know that babies don't keep?

I would still follow all the rules- no bumpers in the crib, don't eat strawberries until you're 12 months old, no stuffed animals while baby sleeps, don't use fancy laundry detergent, make sure the carseat clip is up by baby's shoulders- but once I had done those things, I would hand Jesus all the bits and pieces of worry and what-if's, and I would breathe deep and just enjoy.

I did all of these things, knowing Newbie would grow up fast, but I didn't know how fast the time would go, and I think if I get to do it again, I would just do each of them more. 

More snuggles in the rocker.  More kissing the toes.  More stroking that baby-fine hair.  More thanking Jesus for every. single. moment. More smiles while diaper changing- less gagging. =) 

And then I look out across the living room and you know what?  My baby isn't all that grown up.  I still have time to do more.  More snuggling, more toe kissing, more hair stroking, more thanking Jesus for every single moment.  And today, that's what I'm setting out to do- with both of my littles.  My big boy and my little baby bump.  More stories, more smiles, more laughs, more claiming today as the day the Lord has made- one we will rejoice and be glad in. More fighting for joy in each and every single moment.

Bring on the big boy bed and more of the moments that whisper, Thank you, Lord, for right now- for this day that You've made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it!

This is the day the Lord has made.
    We will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

Hoping you find time today to slow down and do more.  More drinking in deep of today and savoring the now.  More thanking. More enjoying. More loving. More living.

Here's to more! =)