The Beautiful In-Between

You know you haven't blogged in a while when you second guess your password while logging in.  Yikes.

I'm sorry to leave you all hanging- I've been wanting to get on and write about the last week and a half, but its just a lot.  A lot a lot a lot.  And to be honest, I'm still taking it all in and processing everything.  As we try and get back into a routine around the house, I feel like I'm still only functioning on half a brain.  All the energy from the functioning half is poured into trying to soak in every moment I can with Newbie and being fully present with him after being so busy over the past couple weeks.  The other half is just numb, because what else can it be after saying goodbye to a sweet blue-eyed daughter?

The few times I have wanted to sit down and write, exhaustion has just taken over, and I've opted to sit by the campfire with the Hubs or jot down a few notes for our Disney trip instead.  I think part of my problem is I just don't know where to start.  God was in so many of the details from the moment we arrived at the hospital all the way through to the moment we released balloons at Jubilee's grave site and then even into the now- the picking up of the pieces once we got back home.  He is and was just so fully there- so fully here- and so fully good, that I struggle to know where to begin to capture each little piece and put it into words to share. So I think I'm just going to pick up on the blog with where we are now, and I'll go back and revisit Jubilee's beautiful birthday and her Heaven Party and God's gracious provision in the details when the timing's right. 

Where we are now is the beautiful in-between...the place where we rejoice in each day because it is a gift full of God-moments, but also the place where we look forward to tomorrow because one of these tomorrows is going to be the day we get to go Home and be free from all the brokenness and sorrow. Oh, how we know sorrow.  And oh, how we long for that day when we can escape the in-between and live in the grace of God-moments all the time.  I smile when I think about how my girls know it- the grace of the all-the-time God moments where His glory and presence are fully known.  What blessed little girls they are!

So where we are now: the beautiful in-between...

The Hubs and I are sitting by the campfire almost every night after Newbie goes to bed and thinking and talking and praying and dreaming together.  We're giving each other grace in the grief and somehow falling more in love with one another despite the challenge of the past several months.  My man's a keeper.  =)

We're planning a trip to Disney World that we'll be taking soon.  Because sometimes it feels really good to not think about anything but whether or not to take a carseat on the airplane or if we should see Epcot fireworks or Magic Kingdom fireworks on a Friday night. We are so grateful for a chance to get away together as a family and for a fun distraction to tend to during the quiet hours of the day.

Newbie is talking more than I ever imagined he would, and he's making us laugh all. the. time.  Tonight he asked me to sing a song about a "tadder peeyar" (caterpillar) before bed.  He has me wrapped around his finger, because I totally made up a song about a caterpillar.  I am sooo thankful for the belly laughs we get from that kiddo. The morning of Jubilee's Heaven Party, he told us Jubi was in Heaven with the baby bird (long story- but related to a dead baby bird he stumbled upon in our backyard the day after we got home from the hospital) and Jesus eating "wucky farms" (Lucky Charms).  We have been so blessed to see the loss of our daughter through the eyes of her big brother- Newbie understands what so many of us have a hard time seeing: Newbie knows that God is good all the time and that He's taking good care of his little sister.  He doesn't doubt God's plan or question why his sister had to go- he just celebrates that she was here and that she's where God wants her to be now- He knows that Heaven is a party worth celebrating with Lucky Charms (a prized breakfast treat in our house).  I love seeing life through his little blue eyes.

In the in-between, there are tears that come and go.  I lost it at the table while we were eating dinner a few nights ago and Newbie looked up from his plate and said, "Mommy is a yiddle sad" with a concerned tone in his voice.  It broke my heart that he picked up on my change in emotion so quickly. I pulled it together enough to give one of those really wet smiles where you can't see through the blur of tears but you think maybe your teeth are showing, and he bought it thanks to a good distracting conversation from his daddy about the awesome bubble bath he could take after dinner.

The sadness just comes in waves. The bottom line is that I miss her like crazy.  Like CRAZY. And there's an aching and a longing for a little head of soft blond hair that will never go away, but there's something else there too.  Its the thing that gets me up from that soggy dining room chair and into the bedroom to pick out some awesome Toy Story jammies for my little man: Joy.  Joy because I know that God is good all the time.  Joy because He was there, His fingerprints all over the past seven months, and Joy because she was here, all over the past seven months.  Joy because we knew her and we loved her and Joy because we won't forget what she taught us: Shout for joy and give thanks in all things. 

And so in the beautiful in-between, the tears fall and the arms ache and long and the heart squeezes raw, but there is so much joy because we know where she is and we know what God taught us through her: Today is a gift.  So we're taking what we know, and we're putting one foot in front of the other each moment of each day and trusting Him because He is enough.  I'm pouring every ounce of energy I have into shouting for joy and making every moment count.  I'm watering the plants with Newbie and laughing with the Hubs and hugging each friend who walks in the door because God is good all the time and because I want to drink deeply from today.  I want to cry big tears that sop the pillow and I want to laugh from my belly up- I want to feel it all fully and be completely present Today because now is such a beautiful gift.

It may be a while before I write again- crying big tears that sop the pillow and laughing from the belly up takes a lot out of a girl. =) Thanks for being patient while I put one foot in front of the other, and I promise one of these days I'll get back on the blogging train.  In the meantime, I'm soaking up in the beautiful in-between and keeping my eyes peeled for those God-moments that give us all the more reason to shout for joy.

Blessings,

Brittany