Morning

I love mornings.

A "sparrow," my dad used to call me.

Its days like these I'm thankful I'm an early bird, because I wouldn't want to miss his little bedhead or those sleepy eyes for the world.

("CHEESE, Mom!")

(Always on the move.  Even in the AM.)

(An early morning goodbye to his daddy)

("No, Daddy you not need it go to werk." ...makes it hard for Daddy to leave!)

(Don't worry about him too much- thanks to PBS.org, he bounces back pretty quick.)

Hello, Wednesday.

Septembering

We're Septembering this week.

It's back to school in these parts, and all the backpacks and cameras and littles waving from wagons is a reminder that time goes by too fast and we've got to do everything we can to make each moment of Newbie's little years count.  All too soon he'll be the one waving in front of a too-big-backpack off to new adventures. So we're Septembering and soaking up every last drop, baby.

We've got a front row seat to the school bus stop, and Newbie loved watching the big yellow bus from the window today. Something about all the back-to-school of this week just begs for routine and order and ABC's and "Wheels on the Bus" and a roast in the oven.

And its time.  Because we lived hard this weekend and enjoyed every last dwindling bit of summer, including but not limited to...

Getting a new bike:

A brownie batter licking fiesta:
(Sidenote: Did you know you can use a tablespoon of ground flax mixed with three tablespoons of water to substitute for an egg?!?  Its my go-to lick-this-batter-without-contracting-salmonella trick. ;)

And a backyard campout:

(Helping Daddy put in the stakes.  "I need it my hammer, Daddy.")

(Pretty flowers are still blooming in Jubilee's garden!  Did you know sister has a garden?  She does. I'll write about it sometime.)

We kissed summer goodbye with a backyard camping, hot dog feasting, s'mores roasting end-of-summer party.  Just me and my people, and it was a good time. Newbie was a huge fan of helping his daddy pitch the tent and munching down the campfire goodies.  Brother loves "chalk-it" (chocolate), so the s'mores were a win.

We sent summer off with a bang, and are welcoming the change in seasons.  Because I'm learning that change is hard, but change is good.

Which brings us to September.

September is my pull-it-together, Francine.  Its my get-out-of-the-maternity-pants, teach that boy some ABC's, walk around the neighborhood every night, plan some wicked delicious dinners, sign up for Bible study, steal away for some date nights, send Newbie off to "big boy church", host a dinner party, come right on outta that hole, month.  And I'm really looking forward to it.


This summer was delicious and sweet in its own, soft, sunshiny, carpe diem way, but after losing Jubilee and spending the summer blindly stumbling my way through my first experience with deep grief, I'm craving getting back into the game.  Routine.  Library visits.  Walks.  Football.  Dinner.  You know, the usual. =)

My heart is still sad and aching, that's just a part of it, but I'm looking forward to the next season of healing.  Which I'm kicking off with a roast in the oven, fall decorations, and an exciting trip at the end of September.

Want to hear about it?  It so totally rocks.

My sweet friend's mama and aunt have hugely blessed me with the gift of a weekend away in Washington to attend a Love and Loss Conference. A weekend away across the country to get for real and dig into my heart and the hearts of other women and just love and be loved.  Whaaat?!  I can't tell you how excited I am to sneak away for a bit and spend time with my heart and other women who have been there.  And my laptop.  Bring on the writing, baby.  I can't wait to sort through the billions of thoughts I've held onto since May 2.  I have so much to share, and my fingers are ready to tap it out on the keys. I'm also looking forward to the in-flight Coke (I'm of the opinion that a Coke tastes the best when you're up in the clouds) and the reading time on the plane, but that's just a bonus. =)  A massive THANK YOU to fun Aunt J and D for the incredible gift!  xoxo

So friends, here's to September- the back-to-schooling, the squirrels and acorns, the trips to the library, the enormous bounty of pumpkin spice donuts and cream cheese icing, the routine, the everything- to all the beauty of a new season and another step forward.

Let the Septembering begin!

(Cheers!)

Once Upon a Date Night

Me and my man went to a wedding last weekend.  The Hubs' sweet cousin married a great guy, and we were thrilled to celebrate with them on Saturday.

(I have such a crush on this guy.)

The wedding totally counts as a date night because it was the first time we've snuck away from Newbie for the entire summer.

And there was dancing.  To Justin Bieber and One Direction and "Call Me Maybe".

And the Hubs danced with me, against his will and better judgement.  Just because he likes me.  A lot.

Total date night.

And I wore heels.

Even more of a date night.

I only wear heels on date nights.  Because playing cars and baseball is tough in heels.

I heart heels and date nights and fun weddings where wonderful people get married and smile the whole time and begin their very own happily ever after.

I don't heart the skinny rules.

Like that smooth transition, eh?

Something came over me while meal planning this week, and I decided to whip out The Skinny Rules and make our menu based on 20 rules that I really don't love because they do not involve chocolate or ketchup.  Chocolate and ketchup are two of my love languages.

So now there is kale and all kinds of other veggies in my fridge because Bob Harper and my grandmother told me to.  (Mutte has always asked us to please eat more veggies...probably after seeing me live off of mac and cheese for years-ha!)

All I can tell you is there are a wholelotta leaves in my fridge, and I don't know what to do with them. But I'm hoping they'll help me kick the post-pregnancy pounds and fit into something without an elastic waistband.

The Hubs, given his personal training certification and health and wellness background, has offered to get me into a Crossfit routine, but I told him I'm just not ready to lift tractor tires yet.  I'll see where the kale gets me and get back with him.

We've got big changes approaching over here.  And not just the kale.  Something about fall around the corner sends me into a planning/organizing/routining frenzy, and we're about to kick it into high gear.  I might even get a clean basement out of Labor Day weekend if I ask nicely.  And promise a football game afterwards.

Chocolate and ketchup may be my love language, but the Hubs speaks in leather and helmets and autumn weekends.

Looking forward to the change in season, and hoping fall brings with it a few date nights, a routine, some more healing (exciting news on that soon!), and maybe some new Parks and Recreation episodes.  Also, some pumpkin pancakes with whipped cream and cinnamon on top.  Don't tell Bob.

Here's to the last week of August!

Cheers!

Beach House Delivered

We are back from the beach house, and boy, did the beach house deliver.

(My people.)

(Singing "The Circle of Life" from The Lion King because hollering the intro to that song is his favorite thing to do any time he's somewhere he's allowed to yell.)

(LOVE a good beach bonfire!)

(Because why wouldn't you hurtle the dune grass?  All boy, baby.)

(Just about eight or nine of my favorite things.)

(Getting everyone in focus is hard sometimes.  Getting everyone to smile is even harder.)

("Happy Birthday, Momma!" ...my boy was wishing me a happy day from the moment he woke up 'til...well, he's still wishing me happy birthday five days later.  I'll take it!)

(That bag contains some adorable throw pillows from Mutte...thanks, Mutte and GD!!!)

(Newbie and Grandad were ALL ABOUT the kite flying.)

(Uncles are awesome.)

(Its a miracle I got him to hold still for this- he was in the middle of a shore-side sprinting marathon.)

We count it a blessing that getaways like this are just a reasonable road trip away.  I don't ever get tired of that blue water or that warm sand- it rivals even the best Florida beaches. So spending an entire week on the water was such a thrill.  We are so blessed to get to stay in a cottage right. on. the water. Each day I woke up next to my snuggly little guy and marveled over the water right outside our window.  And again while clutching a warm cup of coffee while Newbie downed his daily portion of Grandad's toast.  And later while buzzing about the house trying to pack up all the nick-knacks we would need for a day out on the sand.  There are windows EVERYWHERE, and they never disappoint.

There are also spiders everywhere, but I've gotten really good with a flip-flop. SMACK!

In addition to gazing out the windows, our days were filled with chasing Newbie down the shoreline, flying a steal-of-a-deal Buzz Lightyear kite, eating absurd amounts of beach food (read: Pringles, Wheat Thins, dip, dip, dip, watermelon, fruities (Newbie's favorite), and cookies cookies cookies.), and reading while Newbie took long afternoon naps.  We're talking three hour power naps, baby.  It must have been the rhythmic sound of the waves and the hot sun and the promise of an umbrella and a cozy beach chair that did it, but I'm telling you, EVERY afternoon three+ hour naps.  We. loved. it.

("I hold it my binky and blank and nap a while.")

Because chasing a baby down the beach takes its toll and a loooong afternoon nap is a great time to play catch up in the sit-on-the-beach-chair-and-just-SIT department. 

We celebrated my twenty seventh birthday on Sunday, and the Hubs left after dinner that night, but not before giving me a stellar present: one night all to myself every. single. week.  He has always been fabulous about encouraging me to get out and go do, but I always have a trillion other things to get done and rarely take him up on his offer.  So he's officially kicking me out of the house to recharge, recoup, write, sit, think, breathe, dwell, all on my own once a week.  This in addition to cheering me on for signing up for Bible study once a week as well. He's kind of my hero.

And before you start thinking I get to have all the fun....he gets to sneak away to play softball once a week as well, and is hoping to join a men's Bible study. Around here, everybody's getting in on the deal. We're beginning to embrace the "little bits of time away for myself makes me a better wife/husband/mom/dad" gig.  I think it will play to our benefit because I am already giddy about sneaking away once a week to recapture some of that beach house freedom feeling and find myself a nook somewhere in the world to get lost in for a couple hours.  It was a very happy birthday to me. =)

This weekend we've got a bunch of projects to finish around the house.  We're slowly zoning in on our "before the end of the summer" deadline, and time's a wastin'.  The Hubs is actually working in the garage right now, and I only escaped clean-up duty because a certain mother may have over-indulged a little someone while sharing a snuggly bed at the beach house and completely thrown the sleep-in-your-big-boy-bed routine for a tailspin.  Whoops. Paying for it now standing guard outside the door ("you sit at my door a while?") while the Hubs sorts through all the boxes that have maintained an embarrassing home in the garage ever since we moved in in February.  Eep!

The good news is, we're back from the beach house sporting great memories and sun kissed cheeks, and we're sliding into the end of the summer with a shorter to-do list.

Happy Weekending!

The Beach House

By the time this gets posted, Newbie and I will be in the midst of a stay at the beach house. (Hello, blog post scheduled publisher!) The Hubs is coming up to celebrate my bday and then headed back to hold down the fort. So don't try breaking in to swipe my teal mason jars or my wrinkled laundry because Bossman will be home.

I know all anyone is really after is the ruffled teal shower curtain. But this isn't the week to try and gank it.  Grab yourself a 20% off coupon to BedBathandBeyond and you can get a copy of your own for a pretty good deal. =)

Thus Hubs' presence at home is the only way I'm allowed to blog about being gone before being gone.

You know, because of all the mason jars and dirty laundry someone might try and jack out of my living room.  Or the shower curtain.

I'd like to blame the paranoia on my husband, but the truth is, if he didn't make the rule, I would have made it anyway.

Mr. and Mrs. Freak. We just really love our shower curtain, ok? =)

Back to the beach house...

We used to call it the cottage, but Newbie got confused because his grandma and grandpa have a cottage.  He didn't get why GiGi and Grandad and Griffin would be "at the cottage" this week.  So we made the switch: its officially the beach house.

Appropriately named because it is on. the. beach.

Love.

I promised Newbie we would bake cookies and pack suitcases when he gets up from his nap.

Homeboy knows whats up.  He is all about the suitcase packing because in the past the packing of the suitcase has proven fruitful.  Trip to Disney World:  Lots of candy, lots of Mickey, lots of staying up past bedtime. Week at the cottage on the lake:  Lots of water, lots of dirt, lots of staying up past bedtime.

I don't think the beach house will disappoint, based on our past two summers there.

Lots of sand.

circa 2010


circa 2011

Lots of sunsets.

circa 2010


circa 2011


Lots of barefeet ("bare toes" in Newbie language).

circa 2010


(Be still my heart!  Is it so greedy to want another one?! Because I so totally want another one.=])

circa 2011

Lots of dance parties.

I'm cheating...two from 2011 =)

(I was preggo with Eden girl in this picture...sister had some ups!)

Lots of staying up past bedtime.

circa 2010

(Although now we party with chocolate milk and popcorn.)

circa 2011

Grace and gifts and gratitude.

I have a book list, an ambition to put together some toddler/preschool lesson plans (eek!), and a hankering for some quiet afternoons in the sun.

Speaking of those Jubilee days. =)

Shouting for joy and praising God for time away with family.  ...And all the "lots" we'll be experiencing this week.

Happy Augusting!

The Ugly Beautiful

Today I'm feeling good.  I'm not sure if it was the first cup of coffee I've had in a month or the happy playdate we had with a dear friend's granddaughter this morning, but I'm feeling good.

The days since Jubilee's birthday have been a mish-mash of hard and easy and sweet and cumbersome. I have run from my heart, and I have embraced my aching heart. I've shared the truth with strangers, and I've hidden the truth from strangers.

"How many children do you have?"

One.  Three, one here keeping me busy and two waiting for me in Heaven.

...my answer depends on the day.

"Is he your only one?"

No. Yes. Kinda.

Each day is a mental whirl of heartache and longing and joy and celebration.  The poor momma at the park that only got half the truth because I saw her round belly swelling with life and didn't have the heart to share my story. Yes, he's my only one. Then there was the skype date with Kelle Hampton where I was feeling gutsy and dropped the Three bomb.  It was a go hard or go home day for the heart. Nobody ever really knows what to do with the three bomb, but nobody ever really knows what to do with any of the broken, do they?  What do you say to an aching mother?  What does she say to you? A broken heart is hard to tend, and harder to carry.

Up and down.  Back and forth.

Y'all. Grief is so ugly beautiful.

Ugly because its always looming in the corners of your mind and seizing your heart when you least expect it.  You can't think and you can't breathe and you can't return phone calls or email because your mind is broken along with your heart- all because there's baby stuff gathering dust in the basement. Ugly because it spurs tears that can't always be cried when you want to cry them.  And ugly because there is a grave and there is a baby and there is a momma's heart-wrenching, depth-of-the-gut ache and it was never meant to be that way.

Those are the days when the world only gets half of the story.  And most of the time, I feel like saying you'reverywelcome because to be honest, the ugly and the grieving momma is a scary thing that few know how to approach or speak to, and most of the peeps at the playground would probably prefer you stuff the baggage anyway, smile and nod, that yes, its an ugly day and he is my only one.  End of story. And if I'm being totally honest, I don't want to burden any unsuspecting, politely curious mothers at the playground with the three bomb. The three bomb is ugly.  And its rare that a stranger is up for a side of ugly with their picnic at the playground.

But praise God, grief doesn't stop at the ugly.

You can't forget the beautiful in the ugly beautiful.

Because if you forgot it, you wouldn't get out of bed in the morning, and you most certainly wouldn't chat it up with other mommas at the playground.

The beautiful is what redeems the ugly.

Grief is forever ugly beautiful.

Beautiful because it makes every blessing, every moment, every gift so captivating.  Because it rips away the lies of the temporary here and now and opens the door to truth, revealing  the hope of Heaven in such an overwhelming combination of all things lovely and beautiful and radiant that the soul staggers and the eyes sting with grateful tears for all that God is and was and is to come.  For His story and the part we play in it and the grace-filled truth that His Story never ends. Thank God for Jesus and His blood.  His death the deepest ugly, stinging the heart with the burn of injustice and the grave and the ultimate itswasnevermeanttobethisway, and thank God for His grace- the very core of the beauty in the beautiful.

Thank God for the grace.

The grace is what covers the ugly and opens the beautiful.

Today the ugly was overshadowed by the grace of those roly poly little thighs and those darling chubby cheeks.  The beautiful is found in the grace of the gifts sent from the Giver. Sometimes the grace-filled gift is the smile that plays at my cheeks standing at her grave, knowing where her little heart is, even though her little self lies still beneath the ground.  Sometimes the gift is the hope of Heaven.

Other times its the bright eyes and round cheeks of an eight-month old little darling.

She is a month older than Eden would have been.  I thought of it today, for the very first time, because in my grief, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about other people's stories and what might have been.  I don't see it as anything that will bring healing.  "Comparison is the thief of joy" and all that jazz.  There are some rules along this road that are easy to follow.  Not thinking about what might have been in terms of my girls' ages is one of them.

But today I took the plunge, ran over the rule with a tractor and considered that darling little girl and how she is a month older than my sweet girl would have been.  And there was grace there, in the math, and in those delectable little baby cheeks and how like my daughter she was in age.

Grace because I remembered my girl, and then I relished the little one sitting in front of me, balancing her tiny frame against her momma's shoulder. Those eyes and those cheeks, how precious! Grace because every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights. Grace because the gifts I can see and hold and love now are glimpses of what is to come- of where my girls are and of God's goodness and glory.

Grace because God is so good in the giving, and because the beautiful is everywhere if we only have the eyes to find it.

I found it today.  In a cup of warm coffee with dear friends who made time to visit with me and Newbie  though their time together is short, seas stretching far between them and their precious granddaughter.

And I found it a week ago when my dear friends joined me for a visit to Jubilee's spot smashed between Mexican food for dinner and a 27th birthday cake for dessert.  They were there on her birthday, they know some of the ugly- the hurt and the pain and the missing.  But they have stood by my side, held my hand and my heart and been blessed to witness alongside me the beautiful.

I am so blessed to share the beautiful- the grace and the God-filled corners of my girl's story that radiate His glory bright enough to overshadow the ugly.  Because the story isn't the same without the beautiful.  Its just not the whole package.  The ugly is there, and its nasty and sobbing and sometimes keeps me up at night.  But the beautiful is where the magic's at.  The beautiful is where I can smile and rest and know that He is good. And I can stand on that very truth- the truth that He is good- at my daughter's grave on a rainy August evening, and honestly say with every fiber in my being that it is well with my soul. It is well because He is good.

(Thank God for girlfriends, no? =])

(Do you see the beauty I do?  One bleeding momma's heart, four pairs of rainboots.  Three pairs being the feet of Jesus tending to the broken.  Beauty.)

Around here, we're embrace the beautiful.  The ugly is loud, but the beauty is bigger, and I am always on the search.  Somedays its harder than others to tune out the ugly.  And somedays facing the ugly is what the heart needs to heal.  But there is never a day that passes that I'm not on the lookout for the beautiful.  On the busy days, its a whispered prayer of thanks for blond curls and blue eyes as I tuck Newbie into bed.  On the not-so-busy, eyes-peeled-open days, its thank you upon thank you for gift after gift...rain soaked grass, warm dinners, wrinkles around the eyes, sweet cards, tight hugs, tiny toes, gift, gift, gift, grace, grace, grace.

I call these our Jubilee days- the days when we are always on the search for the beautiful- the grace-filled moments- that stir the heart and cause us to shout for joy because God is good.  My girl taught us how to shout for joy- she helped me discover the beauty in the ugly beautiful, and every day since her story began has been a Jubilee day because God reached into my heart and rearranged my perspective. I'm changed.

And I'll never be the same.

Every day is a Jubilee day.

Which is why a pair of roly poly thighs holds more grace than I ever imagined. =)

Every good and perfect gift.

Here's to embracing these Jubilee days!

Lord, give us eyes to see the beautiful.