Fireflies and the Fourth

Do you like how I said I got my pen back and then I waited a week to post?  I am desperate to write more often, but summer is sweeping us away in its sunshine and beach days and ice cream stops.  And its about to bloom into a full blown sunshine summertime extravaganza because my grandparents left at four this morning on a road trip from Texas to come and stay with us for a while, and our Uncle R is coming up this weekend too. 
Its going to be a packed house at GiGi and Grandad's that is sure to keep me away from the computer for a while.  So I'm popping in tonight with a few random rambles before I go MIA again. =)

Fireflies
This little man is the master of the firefly hunt.  "Yight-ning bugs I tatch um!" He goes bananas over them at GiGi's house and wanders the yard with an empty cup catching fireflies only to stick them in the cup, watch them wander to the top and fly away "home to der mommies".  A few lightening bugs have sacrificed themselves to the cause of summer fun, but for the most part Newbie is really gentle.  All boy, this one.  Last week he made a mistake and found an earwig in the house.  "Mommy!  I find it a yight-ning bug!" Sick.

(Classic firefly squat)

Fourth
We had a dear friend swing by to hang out with us for a while on the fourth of July, and after the Hubs took him fishing, we hit up GiGi and Grandad's house for basketball and fireworks.  Newbie was a fan until his aunt and uncle started blowing things up in the col-de-sac, at which point he waved the white flag, commandeered GiGi into some in-house babysitting away from the explosions and left the rest of us for dead.  I'm telling you right now, its a miracle nothing but the fireworks burst into flame.  Our sibs had all kinds of explosives on hand, and we halted the show halfway through after an unfortunate mishap that sent fireworks cascading into two neighbor's yards.  Yikes.  We're saving the rest for our family vacation at the cottage on the beach later this summer.  Its hard to light a lake on fire, so we think we'll be safe.

(This boy is kind of our favorite.)

(Its been decided: roman candles are far more fun when you dance while they're exploding)

Beachin' It
This has been the summer of do whatever you want when you want.  I have had more beach days with Newbie this year than I did last year, and that's saying a lot.  We just kinda throw it all in the car, ignore the fact that we're spending grocery money on gas, and drive our cookies out to the beach as often as we can.  I think it has something to do with my making every moment count mentality.  Thank you, Jubilee, for inspiring the bucket load of beach days this year!  Its easy to make things count in the summer at the beach.  You just can't go wrong.  This weekend we conned the fam into joining us and had a ball minus the chilly breeze that sent Newbie into an afternoon nap on my lap wrapped up in towels to ward off the goosebumps.

Our days have been filled with sunshine and record breaking heat, and while we're staying busy and soaking it all in every day, I'm finding that I'm at a crucial point in the healing process where I need to sneak away for some alone time.  To process, to write, to think, to hurt, to heal, to breathe.  I've been compartmentalizing my grief because quite frankly, its just easier that way.  I have found that I kind of tuck it away for chunks of time so I can enjoy the pool and the warm afternoons and the delicious ice cream.  Its not that I'm ignoring it, its just that the pain can be suffocating if you let it envelop you all the time. 

And its also that the grieving mother is not exactly who you want to run in to at the grocery store. Nobody wants to see a lady blubbering over the donuts.  So instead, I tuck the ache away for bits of time so I can smile and laugh while Newbie points out the most icing covered, sprinkle laden donut behind the plexi glass, stuff the prize into a wax-coated bag,  head for the check out and then swing by the Starbucks before leaving.  Hey look, we went to the grocery store for coffee and donuts and we made it out in one piece.  Hooray!

Sometimes it shocks me that we can even do real life in a somewhat normal way because I'm not the same anymore.  Our normal isn't the same anymore. But we do.  The world keeps spinning, and our changed selves keep living.  But my girl is always there, always on my heart, always on my mind. I just tuck away the intensity of the pain for the quiet moments when I have time to really feel the hurt, and then to really feel the redemption.  I tuck it away because if I let it spill over in the donut aisle, I may not have the time to feel the redemption. I may get swallowed up by the hurt because I won't have the room or the quiet to remember God's faithfulness and the joy our girl brought us and the hope we have. There's not a lot of room for hurt and hope to come full circle all in the space of the picking out and purchasing of a donut. 

So I'm planning on stealing away more me time.  More moments that aren't rushed through the aisles of the grocery store and more space to feel it all and remember it all.  From the joy to the ache to the desperation to the hope to the glory.  I don't want the sorrow without the joy because that's just not the full story.  I want the full story, and I'm going to start making time for it.  I'm sneaking away.  To my chair and my computer and my heart and I'm opening the box and exploring all corners of what's inside.  More often.  And with an iced coffee and a box of tissues because I've recently discovered the beauty of iced coffee and because the tears will always come.  But only when I sneak away and have time to feel the whole story.

Now there will be more quiet moments squished in between the fireflies and the beach days and the lazy summer afternoons.  And in the not-so-quiet moments, I'm living in the space between where God gives us permission to find joy in all things and encourages us to make each moment count. 
And I'm drinking iced coffee.

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A very happy Tuesday to you, and a happy week in the event that I disappear for the duration of my grandparents' visit.  =)