My girlfriend from elementary school and her mama flew up from Texas and surprised me on the beach of a local lake with two hugs I have been aching for since I found out my Jubilee was so sick so many months ago.
My sweet friend delivered and lost her precious baby boy last summer, just weeks before I miscarried Eden. We shared tears for our babies over the phone, shared notes of longing for hugs and togetherness and coffee dates in the midst of the chaos that surrounded last summer. I didn't know then that I'd share another loss, even more like her own within the year.
Since Jubilee's birthday in May, the longing for that hug and some time together only increased. She's been there. She knows. She knows what its like to lose a little and she knows me. The perfect storm for the perfect hug.
So when I looked up from the water across the beach to see her standing in the sand, I had to do a double take because wasn't this my dream coming true? Could that really be her standing there on the beach? Could it be that the hug I've been aching for is standing there on two legs right in front of me, somehow having made its way from the south all the way to the tip top north? In an instant of recognition, my legs pulled me from the water and raced me across the short distance of sand before I slammed into her and claimed the hug I had wished for over the past 12 months. Almost a year to the day of losing my first baby girl, almost two months since losing my second, and only a couple weeks after a year from losing her darling boy. It was the sweetest of hugs.
And it was the sweetest surprise to date.
We spent the weekend catching up and just breathing the same air, which is a luxury we can't often afford with several states separating us and keeping the visits few and far between. I was so blessed by my dear friend and her sweet mama taking the time to come up and spend the weekend. Words can't express my gratitude for that gift.
They know they surprised me. They know the tears that fell were from months of aching and agonizing and hurting and healing and just wishing I could hug the ladies whom I've known for decades and whom have walked the same road. But what they don't know is that the weekend they spent with me- the hugs we shared and the sitting in the same room and the just knowing whats it like to be here and there and in all the spaces between- it was the weekend my pen came back.
I haven't been able to write about Jubilee because...I don't know why. Its just like I lost my pen and had no way to put the words together. Like the hurting and the ache were paralyzing in a way that kept me from even being able to piece together the simplest portions of the stories.
But this weekend? The one where my dear friend showed up and squeezed me tight with an "I've been there" hug and a smile and a glowing baby bump just radiating with all kinds of joy and hope? This weekend my pen came back.
And I've missed it dearly. I'm aching to write about the past two months. About my sweet girl's birthday and how perfect it was. About the nurses God hand-picked for my delivery room. About the friends and family who were there through every minute of the best and worst day of my life. About that bright blond hair as soft as a peach, and those bouquets of flowers and meals that poured through the doors at our home. About the gut wrenching feeling of walking down the carpeted steps at the funeral home to plan my daughter's burial. About the excruciating drive to church the morning of her funeral. About the warmth and the joy and the dull ache at the cemetery where we sang Jesus Loves Me and released balloons in the rain. About the coming home and the pictures on the wall and the falling asleep with tears streaming, all curled up in her blanket. About the tears in the dark and the smiles in the day. About holding the big one's hand and being anchored to earth. About the light in the little one's baby blue eyes and the laughter that spills buckets of gratitude for what was and what is and what is to come.
About it all.
This was the weekend my pen came back. And I've got two wonderful women in Texas to thank for it.
The Hubs sent me and the girls up north for the weekend. We were missing a good handful of girls, but we pressed on. I was so spoiled by the wonderful line-up of family and friends who helped the Hubs pull off this surprise weekend! A girls' weekend away complete with beaches and shopping and staying up late. An extended sleepover where we didn't have to say goodbye and we could laugh as loud as we pleased without worrying about waking up our parents. Because we were the parents. =) It was a riot. And refreshing. And renewing.
(Ladies in attendance: darling Miss L, me, my southern belle and her adorable baby bump(!!!), and my sister- being a trooper and playing photographer for this one)
(We stayed right on the bay and had all kinds of places along the lake to explore. Lots of fun summer sunshine spots and shops to enjoy!)
(Girls' Weekend makes people happy.)
(Beautifully glowing mommy-to-be)
(Big props to my sister who shuttled us around all weekend and didn't let us give her a dime for gas. You're the best, Aunt Corndog!)
(Our big night out and the only picture of the four of us...mirror shots are hard sometimes.)
(I spy a cutsie baby bump!)
(love them. love love love.)
I miss them dearly already. But I'm clinging to the gift they brought along with them- the hugs, and the healing, and the wonderful memories of the weekend my pen came back.
with much love from the North and a massive thank you to my dear southern friends,
Brittany
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