Goodness and Grace and a Happy Birthday

Sometimes when you're trudging through grief, you just have to decide to keep moving.  In the days leading up to her first birthday, I was dreading the day.  The past year has been an insane roller coaster of ups and downs coming out of nowhere, and coming up on her first birthday, I just didn't know what to expect from my own emotions or quite what to do on that day.   A year ago, May 2 had been such a beautiful gift because we had held her and loved on her, and this year was going to be so very different because we couldn't do any of those things.  I wasn't sure how to step into that day with the deep ache to hold her again, with the wish that I could rewind and go back to the hospital room where I could smell her and snuggle her and tell her how much she meant to me.  I was feeling stuck.

So I just did what I've done every day since the day we found out our girl was so sick.  I acted on what I knew instead of what I felt.  I know God is good.  I know His plan is better than my own.  I know He is faithful and that His promises are true.  I know His love runs deeper than I can imagine and that He works all things for the good of those who love Him.  That is what I know. So the morning her birthday rolled around, I took a deep shuddering breath through silent tears in the dark, and I reminded myself of what I knew.  And then I decided to just keep going.

For all the planning I had tried to do for her birthday, I really didn't have much of a plan, but I was determined to make it a good day- to focus on the good and the grace instead of the hurt and the hard.  Because the good and the grace are what keep us going around here, man.  And there is plenty of it to go around.  I knew I wanted to celebrate her and the things God taught us through her.  I knew I wanted it to be a joy-filled day, and I knew I wanted to make each moment of the day count.  So we started with breakfast downtown, just me and my little man and the day unfolded from there, full of special moments that we soaked in slow and deep.

Breakfast with my little guy= Good.

After breakfast came a stroll by the river with my babies, then a trip to a floral shop to pick out some treasures for Jubilee's garden (more on her garden coming soon!).

Swan on the banks of the river where we walked= Grace.

A stop at the cemetery after lunch, just me and her daddy, was one of my favorite parts of our day:

I brought our favorite picnic blanket and a pile of notes sweet family and friends had written to us and Jubilee last year that we had yet to read.  We sat on the blanket by her spot and took turns reading the notes aloud.  It was such a blessing to hear encouraging words about how God has used Jubilee to touch the hearts of our family and friends.  It was Grace, my friends. We just dwelled in the goodness of God's plan in those moments, the warm sun beaming down on our shoulders and the birds singing in the trees, and even though we were sitting in the grass by our daughter's grave, it was beautiful.

And there were tears, of course, because how do you press yourself against the soft earth where your daughter is buried and think of God's goodness and grace and how much you miss her and how beautiful her Heaven Party must be that day and not let the tears slip down your cheeks in aches and longing and thanks and praise?  There were tears.  And he stroked my hair while I lay with my head in his lap because he is so good to me, and because that little girl's daddy sure knows how to take care of her momma.

We left after a while and went to get her big brother.  The Hubs and I decided last year that we want our kids to be a part of celebrating Jubilee's life each year- we consider it a blessing to have an opportunity to share with them the joy and hope we can find in Christ in the midst of the brokenness- to be able to use their sister's story to help them understand that the Good and Grace always trumps the hurt and hard.  Newbie knows that Momma misses Jubilee and that it sometimes makes her cry, but he also knows about "the Good Part"- that Jesus is alive and in Heaven, and our Jubilee is with Him there.

Before we went to celebrate "the Good Part" with Newbie, we stopped at another flower shop and let him pick out a pink balloon and a "special drink" because what would appreciating the moments be if we didn't stop for Daddy-O's famously spontaneous "special drink" offer?  Starbucks refreshers (PS- YUM.) for Momma and Daddy and a juice box for Newbie.  Just keeping it real. =)  We went back to the cemetery then with her big brother and we sang "Happy Birthday" and "Jesus Loves Me", and Newbie let her balloon go and we watched it fly towards Heaven for our birthday girl.

(Daddy explaining that we were going to let the balloon go up to Jubilee's Heaven Party)

(Our family of four getting ready to send off the birthday balloon)

(Birthday balloon off and on its way!)

Newbie and I read Jubilee's stone together, and he scrutinized every word, brushing aside flowers to be certain I read each word until he was satisfied with what it said from Psalm 100.  We celebrated The Good Part there in the sunshine at her spot in the cemetery, and my heart swelled with thanks for the Light that shines in the darkness- the Light that the darkness has not overcome.

Then we left for home to make her birthday cake that we shared that evening with another "Happy Birthday" song.  It was a good, full day.  The way I want her birthday to always be.  There will probably always be tears.  It is a heavy day to carry, but one I feel blessed to heft upon my shoulders because with the heaviness of the broken comes the enormous lightening of Hope.  Each day I make the choice to press on towards that Hope, moving forward knowing that our God is good, loves us deeply, and has a plan more beautiful than our wildest dreams.

And I know our Hope will not disappoint us because He who promised is faithful.

Wishing you a day full of Goodness and Grace that far outweigh the hard and the hurt, friends.

Blessings,

Brittany