InstaVacay

Last week we vacationed up north with my in-laws at their cottage.  I've been visiting their place each summer since I started dating the Hubs...going on 8 years.  =) We had a ball soaking in the late summer nights and the sunny summer days.  Our friends happened to be camping at the same lake at the same time, so we met up with them for a day out on the boat and a night by the campfire.

We had such a great time, and instead of using my big girl camera, I snapped a bunch of pics with Instagram.  It was so nice not to lug the heavy photo artillery around the lake!

(He doesn't look like he was having any fun at all, does he? =])

(because why not?)

(When a tourist stopped and asked to take his picture, I knew the ice cream stint had probably gone too far.  Ha!)

(Newbie driving the boat with "Gampa")

(That is Newbie and his grandma, and what you see in the background is THE relaxation station.  LOVE.)

(Newbie was a mega fan of "da big water".  "You take it me a to da big wader Daddy?")

(Because we're the cool moms who let our kids run around in the lake with their clothes on at bedtime they got into some tomfoolery while their mommas sat on a bench and talked.)

(Family date night= evening playground and beach run)

After a long and fun-filled week away, we were whooped. Vacation is hard sometimes. =)

Sorry I've continued to be so MIA...lots of mini vacays and boat days and projects taking up much of our time in this neck of the woods.  Hoping things slow down a bit soon. =)

Summertiming

This summer has turned out to be a bucket of fun.  We have spent our days with family and friends and by the time we get home, I'm too whooped to write or do anything with my piles and piles of pictures. My apologies to those of you who pop in hoping for a new post and find an old stale one.  I'll get better.  Just busy seizing the day and the summer sunshine!

So much has happened the past few weeks.  Everything from a fabulous visit from my grandparents (a slew of pictures to come!) to a new fence in the backyard (thanks to my man and my FIL!!!), to a pretty intense bed bug scare.  YIKES.  I had the heeby jeebies all night long after the Hubs and I spotted the nastiest bug EVER in the laundry basket.  After emailing a picture to pest control, we found out it was just a creepy crawly free loading a ride from the basement.  Crisis averted.  Manic vaccuuming commenced.

Newbie and I are headed out this week to meet up with his Grandma at the cottage.  He is so SO excited.  He has been packing his suitcase with everything he spots as his own in the laundry basket, and he stuck a sweatshirt on his teddy bear so he wouldn't get "told at a da tot-tage".  He remembers what a good time he had when Daddy took him to the cottage on Mommy's girl weekend, and I'm just hoping I can prove to be as much fun as his dad!

A sneak peek at our summertiming of late:

(This picture cracks me up.  Featuring: The Obligatory "CHEEEESE!"  He never makes eye contact with the "cheese", much to my picture snapping discouragement. I'm pretty sure he does it on command just to get the torture of posed picture taking over with.  His daddy is the same way.  The apple and the tree, baby.)

(Three of my favorite people.)

(Ice cream ice cream ice cream. "I want it boo ice teem".  Mommy isn't a fan of the blue ice cream.  It makes drip-licking a lot less enjoyable when the flavor is reminiscent of plastic and bandaids. But he's just so cute.  So we always let him get the blue ice teem.)

(Late evening lightening bug chasing.  Every. single. night.  Note the poor victim trapped in his pincer grasp...ouch)

(My sister, Mom, and Mutte got me hooked on knitting swirly scarves.  So much more therapeutic than slamming a sleeve of Oreos.)

(Buzz Lightyear jammies from Disney plus wrestling with Daddy in the morning= his favorite)

Other summertiming activities include watching Opie run free as the wind blows through his newly fenced in back yard, grilling out, putting Potty Elmo in the time out chair for reasons unknown, "yooking fo the big MOON" anytime we're outside at night, playing with the flashlight when it gets "too dark", and munching on fresh blueberry muffins, just to name a few.

Wishing you all a wonderful week and promising to be back with more words and pictures soon! =)

Fireflies and the Fourth

Do you like how I said I got my pen back and then I waited a week to post?  I am desperate to write more often, but summer is sweeping us away in its sunshine and beach days and ice cream stops.  And its about to bloom into a full blown sunshine summertime extravaganza because my grandparents left at four this morning on a road trip from Texas to come and stay with us for a while, and our Uncle R is coming up this weekend too. 
Its going to be a packed house at GiGi and Grandad's that is sure to keep me away from the computer for a while.  So I'm popping in tonight with a few random rambles before I go MIA again. =)

Fireflies
This little man is the master of the firefly hunt.  "Yight-ning bugs I tatch um!" He goes bananas over them at GiGi's house and wanders the yard with an empty cup catching fireflies only to stick them in the cup, watch them wander to the top and fly away "home to der mommies".  A few lightening bugs have sacrificed themselves to the cause of summer fun, but for the most part Newbie is really gentle.  All boy, this one.  Last week he made a mistake and found an earwig in the house.  "Mommy!  I find it a yight-ning bug!" Sick.

(Classic firefly squat)

Fourth
We had a dear friend swing by to hang out with us for a while on the fourth of July, and after the Hubs took him fishing, we hit up GiGi and Grandad's house for basketball and fireworks.  Newbie was a fan until his aunt and uncle started blowing things up in the col-de-sac, at which point he waved the white flag, commandeered GiGi into some in-house babysitting away from the explosions and left the rest of us for dead.  I'm telling you right now, its a miracle nothing but the fireworks burst into flame.  Our sibs had all kinds of explosives on hand, and we halted the show halfway through after an unfortunate mishap that sent fireworks cascading into two neighbor's yards.  Yikes.  We're saving the rest for our family vacation at the cottage on the beach later this summer.  Its hard to light a lake on fire, so we think we'll be safe.

(This boy is kind of our favorite.)

(Its been decided: roman candles are far more fun when you dance while they're exploding)

Beachin' It
This has been the summer of do whatever you want when you want.  I have had more beach days with Newbie this year than I did last year, and that's saying a lot.  We just kinda throw it all in the car, ignore the fact that we're spending grocery money on gas, and drive our cookies out to the beach as often as we can.  I think it has something to do with my making every moment count mentality.  Thank you, Jubilee, for inspiring the bucket load of beach days this year!  Its easy to make things count in the summer at the beach.  You just can't go wrong.  This weekend we conned the fam into joining us and had a ball minus the chilly breeze that sent Newbie into an afternoon nap on my lap wrapped up in towels to ward off the goosebumps.

Our days have been filled with sunshine and record breaking heat, and while we're staying busy and soaking it all in every day, I'm finding that I'm at a crucial point in the healing process where I need to sneak away for some alone time.  To process, to write, to think, to hurt, to heal, to breathe.  I've been compartmentalizing my grief because quite frankly, its just easier that way.  I have found that I kind of tuck it away for chunks of time so I can enjoy the pool and the warm afternoons and the delicious ice cream.  Its not that I'm ignoring it, its just that the pain can be suffocating if you let it envelop you all the time. 

And its also that the grieving mother is not exactly who you want to run in to at the grocery store. Nobody wants to see a lady blubbering over the donuts.  So instead, I tuck the ache away for bits of time so I can smile and laugh while Newbie points out the most icing covered, sprinkle laden donut behind the plexi glass, stuff the prize into a wax-coated bag,  head for the check out and then swing by the Starbucks before leaving.  Hey look, we went to the grocery store for coffee and donuts and we made it out in one piece.  Hooray!

Sometimes it shocks me that we can even do real life in a somewhat normal way because I'm not the same anymore.  Our normal isn't the same anymore. But we do.  The world keeps spinning, and our changed selves keep living.  But my girl is always there, always on my heart, always on my mind. I just tuck away the intensity of the pain for the quiet moments when I have time to really feel the hurt, and then to really feel the redemption.  I tuck it away because if I let it spill over in the donut aisle, I may not have the time to feel the redemption. I may get swallowed up by the hurt because I won't have the room or the quiet to remember God's faithfulness and the joy our girl brought us and the hope we have. There's not a lot of room for hurt and hope to come full circle all in the space of the picking out and purchasing of a donut. 

So I'm planning on stealing away more me time.  More moments that aren't rushed through the aisles of the grocery store and more space to feel it all and remember it all.  From the joy to the ache to the desperation to the hope to the glory.  I don't want the sorrow without the joy because that's just not the full story.  I want the full story, and I'm going to start making time for it.  I'm sneaking away.  To my chair and my computer and my heart and I'm opening the box and exploring all corners of what's inside.  More often.  And with an iced coffee and a box of tissues because I've recently discovered the beauty of iced coffee and because the tears will always come.  But only when I sneak away and have time to feel the whole story.

Now there will be more quiet moments squished in between the fireflies and the beach days and the lazy summer afternoons.  And in the not-so-quiet moments, I'm living in the space between where God gives us permission to find joy in all things and encourages us to make each moment count. 
And I'm drinking iced coffee.

****
A very happy Tuesday to you, and a happy week in the event that I disappear for the duration of my grandparents' visit.  =)

The Weekend my Pen Came Back

Last weekend I got my pen back.

My girlfriend from elementary school and her mama flew up from Texas and surprised me on the beach of a local lake with two hugs I have been aching for since I found out my Jubilee was so sick so many months ago. 

My sweet friend delivered and lost her precious baby boy last summer, just weeks before I miscarried Eden.  We shared tears for our babies over the phone, shared notes of longing for hugs and togetherness and coffee dates in the midst of the chaos that surrounded last summer. I didn't know then that I'd share another loss, even more like her own within the year. 

Since Jubilee's birthday in May, the longing for that hug and some time together only increased. She's been there.  She knows.  She knows what its like to lose a little and she knows me.  The perfect storm for the perfect hug.

So when I looked up from the water across the beach to see her standing in the sand, I had to do a double take because wasn't this my dream coming true?  Could that really be her standing there on the beach? Could it be that the hug I've been aching for is standing there on two legs right in front of me, somehow having made its way from the south all the way to the tip top north? In an instant of recognition, my legs pulled me from the water and raced me across the short distance of sand before I slammed into her and claimed the hug I had wished for over the past 12 months.  Almost a year to the day of losing my first baby girl, almost two months since losing my second, and only a couple weeks after a year from losing her darling boy. It was the sweetest of hugs. 

And it was the sweetest surprise to date. 

We spent the weekend catching up and just breathing the same air, which is a luxury we can't often afford with several states separating us and keeping the visits few and far between.  I was so blessed by my dear friend and her sweet mama taking the time to come up and spend the weekend.  Words can't express my gratitude for that gift.

They know they surprised me.  They know the tears that fell were from months of aching and agonizing and hurting and healing and just wishing I could hug the ladies whom I've known for decades and whom have walked the same road. But what they don't know is that the weekend they spent with me- the hugs we shared and the sitting in the same room and the just knowing whats it like to be here and there and in all the spaces between- it was the weekend my pen came back. 

I haven't been able to write about Jubilee because...I don't know why.  Its just like I lost my pen and had no way to put the words together.  Like the hurting and the ache were paralyzing in a way that kept me from even being able to piece together the simplest portions of the stories.

But this weekend?  The one where my dear friend showed up and squeezed me tight with an "I've been there" hug and a smile and a glowing baby bump just radiating with all kinds of joy and hope? This weekend my pen came back.

And I've missed it dearly.  I'm aching to write about the past two months.  About my sweet girl's birthday and how perfect it was.  About the nurses God hand-picked for my delivery room. About the friends and family who were there through every minute of the best and worst day of my life. About that bright blond hair as soft as a peach, and those bouquets of flowers and meals that poured through the doors at our home.  About the gut wrenching feeling of walking down the carpeted steps at the funeral home to plan my daughter's burial.  About the excruciating drive to church the morning of her funeral.  About the warmth and the joy and the dull ache at the cemetery where we sang Jesus Loves Me and released balloons in the rain.  About the coming home and the pictures on the wall and the falling asleep with tears streaming, all curled up in her blanket.  About the tears in the dark and the smiles in the day.  About holding the big one's hand and being anchored to earth.  About the light in the little one's baby blue eyes and the laughter that spills buckets of gratitude for what was and what is and what is to come.

About it all. 

This was the weekend my pen came back.  And I've got two wonderful women in Texas to thank for it.

The Hubs sent me and the girls up north for the weekend. We were missing a good handful of girls, but we pressed on.  I was so spoiled by the wonderful line-up of family and friends who helped the Hubs pull off this surprise weekend! A girls' weekend away complete with beaches and shopping and staying up late.  An extended sleepover where we didn't have to say goodbye and we could laugh as loud as we pleased without worrying about waking up our parents. Because we were the parents.  =)  It was a riot.  And refreshing.  And renewing.

(Ladies in attendance: darling Miss L, me, my southern belle and her adorable baby bump(!!!), and my sister- being a trooper and playing photographer for this one)

(We stayed right on the bay and had all kinds of places along the lake to explore. Lots of fun summer sunshine spots and shops to enjoy!)

(Girls' Weekend makes people happy.)

(Beautifully glowing mommy-to-be)

(Big props to my sister who shuttled us around all weekend and didn't let us give her a dime for gas.  You're the best, Aunt Corndog!)

(Our big night out and the only picture of the four of us...mirror shots are hard sometimes.)

(I spy a cutsie baby bump!)

(love them. love love love.)

We spent the entire weekend up north and had some time back home to hang out by the fire, catch fire flies, and grab a lunch out before two of my favorite Texans had to return to the south.  I was so sad to wake up Tuesday without the smiling faces of two southern belles.

I miss them dearly already.  But I'm clinging to the gift they brought along with them- the hugs, and the healing, and the wonderful memories of the weekend my pen came back.

with much love from the North and a massive thank you to my dear southern friends,

Brittany