Catching my breath

Its hard to know where to go from here.  With all the heartbreak in Connecticut, and then several heart wrenching situations close to my family and friends, I find myself bent in a constant ache of grief and hurt for those around me.  A constant awareness of the brokenness of here and the fragility of this life has been walking with me.  The tears fall and the heart squeezes and after praying for the broken hearts and all the aches and the what-nows, its like I don't know what to do.

And then, just this afternoon, I remembered.

When I experienced my own heartache, I remember hoping for everyone else to just go home and love their babies.  To go and snuggle longer and drink deeper and be there with them.  I remember hugging one of my dear nurses before she left and telling her to go love and snuggle on some healthy newborns today.  I wanted the world to do what I couldn't.  I remember aching to tell the world, please, please know what you've got- don't miss a moment.

I was ever so very grateful for prayer and love, but what I wanted most was for anyone who heard my story to drink more deeply of their own- to love harder, longer, wider. To see The Author in everything and to enjoy what He had written for them.

So, once again my Jubilee girl has taught me how to do life.  (Thank you, precious Jubi-girl.  Jesus is changing me through you, and sweet girl, because of you I will never, ever be the same.)

I know what to do now- how to catch my breath and breathe when I'm hurting so hard for those around me.

I'm going to breathe deeper.

I'm going to give myself permission to grieve and find joy at the same time because that's what I wanted when my heart was shattered to pieces.  I was so grateful for those who wept with me, but I didn't want them missing out on their own opportunities to find joy. I wanted them to breathe deep.

Everyone has their own story, and this isn't an attempt to try to compare my own story with the heart-wrenching stories surrounding me- to scribble any of my notes onto anyone else's pages.  But when my grief for others is so strong and I am desperate for a way to keep walking, I find that I can work off of what I know.  And what I know is that there was a little girl who taught me a whole lot about hurt and healing and finding joy when I couldn't see for all the tears.

The next step?  The next step is allowing grief and joy to share my heart.

On a practical level, it means I'm going to love harder and longer and wider.

The loving harder looks like a lot of different things.  First, it looks like the rescue.  Jesus is our Rescuer, and His Spirit is in us that we might share the blessing of His rescue with others.  Loving harder looks like the rescue.  It looks like a handwritten letter, a warm meal, a prayer from a hundred miles away.  It means doing. He has put His children on a rescue mission, and I'm ready to be His hands and feet, because I've seen those hands and feet before, and they were life where there was death.  They were breath when I couldn't breathe.  They were God when He was hard to find.  Loving harder means reaching out where we can.

The loving longer looks like drinking it all in.  Keeping it in perspective.  Being grateful for those piles of laundry because it means there's a pile of people to wear them.  It means inhaling the scent of his little forehead because by God's grace, today I have a little forehead to smell.  It means playing trains instead of doing the dishes or getting online because the blessing is waiting there on the floor in a pile of plastic train tracks and I don't want to miss it.  It means coming to the door with a smile and letting dinner get cold because he's been working hard all day, and I want him to know I love him.  It means making every single moment count.

The loving wider looks like remembering the groans of the wounded and not getting lost in my own little world. It means looking beyond my own story and remembering the stories of others. It means that on Christmas day, my family will stop in the midst of our celebration to hold hands, quiet our hearts, and remember the precious families that are hurting that day.  It means rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep. While we rejoice at the gift of our Rescuer born on that day and drink deep of our blessings, we will also take the time to be still and weep for the broken hearts. Loving wider means standing in the gap and asking that He come quickly to heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3).


I'm breathing deeper.  And when I find myself paralyzed with sorrow for the families in Connecticut and aching with grief for the dear families close to my own, I'm going to close my eyes, catch my breath, and take the next step.

I'm loving longer, harder, and wider.

Will you join me?

A Christmas Prayer by Max Lucado

I have such a heavy heart this morning following the horror in Connecticut yesterday.  There are several other stories this weekend that have just broken my heart for those around me.

At my home, we are weeping with those who weep today. We know the pain of a broken heart, and hearing of another and another and another just makes the soul groan and ache.

A friend posted this prayer written by Max Lucado on her Facebook page, and it resonated so much with my heart that I thought I'd share it here.  Just a beautiful plea to our Rescuer:

"A Christmas Prayer from Max Lucado

Dear Jesus,

It’s a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push away from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod’s jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won’t you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,

Your Children"

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.  

A Christmas Tree Story

We went on a Christmas tree hunt with GiGi and Grandad last weekend.  The Hubs and I are still using the fake tree we got at our wedding, but we're always game for living vicariously through people who don't mind vacuuming up allusive pine needles all month long.  Its all the fun of a tree hunt and Christmas carols without the mess.  =)

(When did my baby get so big?!)

(Hi, Sugar.  Sorry Momma's no good at finding a hat that matches your coat.  It could be worse.  Her socks didn't match that day. I don't know...is that worse?)

(If you look closely, you can spy Mowgli in this one...Hi, Baby!)

(Victorious!)

*****

Its looking a lot like Christmas around here, if Christmas involves oddles of decorations and lots of sitting on the coach sucking on peppermints to ward off the yuckies.  We've been playing it super low-key the past several weeks because that first trimester nausea will reeeeeally take it out of a girl.  The Hubs has been a champ and cooked dinner night after night because I can't stand to look at food after 3 in the afternoon.  Which I actually love.  I love feeling this icky sick stuff because it means there's a little somebody tucked away somewhere just growing and growing and growing.  Its nice to have the reassurance that Mowgli's doing well.  Momma can't make dinner? Awesome.  Baby's lookin' good!

(Daddy and Newbie taking over the kitchen for Momma. My heroes!)

Newbie's been a real champ entertaining himself while I try and hold it together.  I hate having to turn down so many of his offers: "Mommy wanna play?" but I'm grateful that he's such a trooper and willing to harass Opie or play cars on his own when I can't muster the energy to be a good sport.  

Its so fun experiencing Christmas through this little guy's eyes.  Every year it just gets better and better. He's starting to really get that its Jesus' birthday, and he's been loving all the twinkling lights.  Takes me back to being three feet high and the hours that could be spent just taking in how cool the Christmas tree is. =)

All is well in this neck of the woods.  Thank you all for your congrats and most especially for your prayers for Mowgli!  We're enjoying every day we've got with these kiddos, and are looking forward to watching God's story for this newest little one unfold.  It is so encouraging knowing there are so many cheering us on and praying us through.  Thank you thank you thank you!

Happy December!

Meet Mowgli

I have a good reason for not updating in a couple weeks.  I'll let Newbie fill you in:

Don't worry.  I won't be going into the video editing business any time soon.  If you only knew how many outtakes were involved in getting one solid take. There wasn't enough chocolate in the WORLD, folks.

In case you didn't catch that, there's a baby in my belly (whom Newbie has lovingly named "Mowgli")!  And I've spent the last several weeks enjoying some guilt free napping and snacking and resting and snacking.  All in between trying to remember how to shout for joy even when you're scared.  After saying goodbye to two little girls, I don't think an entirely worry-free pregnancy is anything I'll experience again- I've just lost some innocence in the what-can-go-wrong department. We were really blessed to hear from our genetic counselor several months ago that Jubilee's diagnosis has less than a 1% chance of repeating itself within the same family (as in, no reported cases in the world).  Still, each day I find myself grappling with my hopes and fears and spending some time handing my heart over to the Lord again and again and again.  And some days I end up needing a reminder from my husband or a good friend to do just that- hand it over, again and again and again.

Regardless of the mess my heart can be, we are just thrilled to pieces about this tiny baby!  We were tears-a-flowing grateful to find out we were pregnant again after precious Jubilee and Eden, and despite being a little gun shy and having the first trimester jitters, we are certainly celebrating the story God has written for this new little one!

So we're back in the saddle.  And its beautiful and wonderful and scary, but mostly just beautiful and wonderful.

We're two and a half months along, and while we debated waiting to share until we were well past the high risk time frame for miscarriage, the truth is, we are taking it one day at a time and just rejoicing in the new life that is here now. And we thought some of you might like to rejoice with us. =) Anyway, its just too hard to keep this kind of secret!  And also, my pants don't fit anymore, so I was running into a maternity wardrobe in public without the public knowing I am pregnant crisis that really needed to be addressed.  Ha!

We would so appreciate your prayers in the coming weeks- that this little one would be healthy and strong and that we might be so blessed as to keep Baby here this time around. =)  Thank you, sweet friends!

beyond grateful for the newness of now,

Brittany

Of Snow and Donuts and My Super Bowl

I've been a major blogging slacker lately, and its all because I've been really busy letting my house go down the pipes. And by that I mean the laundry was piled higher than Everest, the dust is caked onto every surface in the house, and we've been eating frozen chicken nuggets for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

My theory? Sometimes it helps to just let things go to remind you why all the little things you do over and over again every day matter.

Like making cheesy eggs for your family so they aren't eating cardboard chicken for breakfast.

I didn't really feed them cardboard chicken for breakfast.  But I'd be lying if I said we didn't get really close to that last week for my lack of planning.

Let me tell you something: those little things we do everyday?  They matter.  Because up until yesterday, this place was a pit.  I kicked it into  high gear yesterday and got rid of all the dust bunnies and half the laundry.  I'm tackling the other half of the mountain....tomorrow.  I just don't have it in me today. =)

Today is for taking it all in, baby.  We woke up this morning to a backyard dusted in powdered sugar, and spent a good five minutes staring out the window in our jammies with wonder.  Its like God knew I have been Christmas-dreaming for a good two weeks now, and He just wanted to stoke the holly jolly fire.

The first snow means the first hot chocolate party, and I jumped right on that train.  Newbie was a big fan of stirring in the mallows, but not the biggest fan of the hot chocolate itself.  Even when I told him it was just his favorite chocolate milk warmed up (we cheat a little on the hot chocolate over here) he wasn't digging it.  Whatevs, man. More for Momma.

(That's skepticism written all over his face: "Dude, where's the orange juice I ordered?")

With the hot chocolate came the Christmas music, and don't think we haven't been playing that since the beginning of November, because we totally have.  And the whole kick it into high gear cleaning mode yesterday was motivated by the Christmas decorating to be done this weekend.  Oh, Yes. we. do.

This weekend is the legendary Deer Camp for the Hubs, and that means Momma gets to have some fun of her own in the form of jingle bells and garland and snowflakes.  We've swung the deal since before Newbie was here: you go to Deer Camp, I deck the halls-everybody's happy.  I've been burning a Bath and Body Works "Evergreen" candle this week in preparation.  

So that's what we're up to in this neck of the woods today: Evergreen sniffing and cleaning and jingle bells dreaming.   With the occasional bear hunt or river ride on the blue yoga mat mixed in because two year olds are awesome.

And here's what we've been up to since I last saw you:

Bible reading/cramming before Bible study.  I'm reading through the New Testament in  eight  nine weeks plus or minus a few days. I'm a little behind in my reading, which is CLASSIC Brittany.  I was one of those read the book the night before you have to discuss it in class kind of girls in college.  I think I liked the challenge.  Old habits die hard, folks.  Even so, I can't begin to tell you how much I'm learning and how much more I'm falling in love with Jesus as I read.  Hokey Pete.  I have had so many almost-blog-posts about what I'm reading that haven't made it to fruition because of all the cardboard chicken I've been cooking around here, but I am LOVING this study.

We went to a super hero pajama party on Friday.  I made us all matching capes.  Including Clifford.  It was awesome.  Newbie ran laps around our church holding a latex balloon in each hand, his cape trailing behind him.  This kid is so completely all boy.  Sometimes I fear I'm not going to be able to keep up with him.  Homeboy is fast.

(The Hubs is such a good sport!)

(And yes, I was positively loving the excuse to wear my velour suit outside of my house- ha!)

I've been hanging with my peeps.  They're a pretty good time.  Newbie's latest and greatest is randomly coming up to me, putting his hand on my back and saying, "Momma, its ok.  It all be alright."  I love it.  He must know his momma is a bit of a freak and can certainly use this reminder at any given moment. =)  

The Daddy-O over here is awesome and took us out for donuts last Saturday morning.  Something about fall and Christmas on the horizon has kinda shot all the healthy eating attempts down lately.  Which I'm ok with.  Because I love me a good Saturday morning donut. 

(This was Newbie's donut.  I'm too ashamed of my order to show you.  It was outrageously large.)

Uhh...pretty sure I didn't tell y'all about this little bit off the bucket list:

(Do you KNOW who that is?!  Standing right next to me?!!?)

Angie Smith of www.angiesmithonline.com and author of I Will Carry You (my road map for my pregnancy with Jubilee) was in town, and my parents treated the Hubs and I to tickets to the event AND backstage passes.  YES, I got to meet this incredible woman and shoot the breeze with her a bit. I had the blessing of sharing Jubilee's story with her, and she offered me some genuine encouragement that I will treasure forever.  My favorite author just may have encouraged me to write a book.  Whaaaat?!!  =) I was just thrilled to have had the opportunity to give her the hug I'd been wanting to share since I read her story years ago.  And the Hubs and I were so touched by the genuine kindness of her and her husband.  These people are the real deal, and we were so happy to share an evening with them. As we pulled out of the parking lot after an amazing evening hearing her speak and her husband, Todd of the group Selah, sing, I told the Hubs, "that was totally my Super Bowl!" Cross it off the bucket list, baby.

And if you need a good heart squeeze/what's it all about today, check out this song Todd wrote about his girls. "Moments Like These"-  I was a mess, folks.  The verse about their daughter, Audrey, whose story was so similar to Jubilee's warmed my heart: I've got a little girl in Heaven right now, those streets of gold are her playground. The two hours she lived was enough to fall in love; she's the sweetest thing I ever let go of.  (I gasp for air) There just aren't words to capture how sweet and true this song is- just go listen. =) It really reminded me of everything God taught us through Jubilee's life- making each moment count and giving thanks because NOW is such a beautiful gift.  The words of this song echo my prayer as a parent, and they're totally going up over the kitchen sink this week:

So I'm down on my knees, help me soak it all in

I want all of this life that you've let me live

And when time flies by

Lord, remind me to breathe

'Cause my Heaven on earth are moments like these

Here's wishing you lots of Heaven on earth moments this week! 

Our "Yight-ning Bug"

Fireflies by Grace Wilson Coplen

I like to chase the fireflies,
Chase them to and fro'

I like to watch them dart about,
Their little lamps aglow.

In the evening's twilight dim
I follow them about,

I often think I have one caught,
And then his light goes out.

I cannot tell just where he is
Until he winks, you see,

Then far away I see his light,
He's played a joke on me.

*poem found here

Newbie was a brave little lightening bug last night- he waltzed right up to each door with a "candy, please!" and then a "tank you!"as he walked away.  He breached the threshold of the first house we stopped at, which made us laugh because he did that last year too.  We stopped him before he got far, and he had it down after that. His little hands were like ice cubes, one tightly wrapped around his pumpkin bucket and the other folded up in my hand, but the cold didn't stop him- homeboy was all in! The only place he wasn't so sure about was his aunt and uncle's house...which had turned into a very creepy lion's den over night, complete with scary signs and lion roars coming from the bushes.  I think we'll have to take him back soon and show him that all is well and now lion free. =)  

Happy Thursday!  And a VERY VERY happy birthday to my main squeeze today!!!  (Hoping to get to the computer soon to make a more birthday worthy post, but in the meantime, here's wishing you lots of bacon and happy on your birthday, Babe!)

Candy. Week.

Happy Candy Week!

Are we the only ones already overdosing on Reese's and all other forms of Halloween candy?

One fall festival and two grandparents' houses later, we are drowning in chocolate and Nerds, and its a proven fact that I have absolutely no self control the last week in October.  And I'm not the only one.  I found incriminating evidence at the top of the trashcan in the form of a Peanut M&M wrapper that was consumed while Newbie and I were napping on Sunday.

And we haven't even debuted the homemade costume yet.

More candy is coming.

We're in trouble.