A Pile of Stones

Yesterday afternoon I was baptized. Its something I've wanted to do for a while, and when I found out our church was doing baptisms this weekend and I'd be able to do it while Jubilee was still with us, I was all in. In the days leading up to yesterday, as I thought about what baptism meant, I immediately thought of a story my pastor pointed out to the Hubs and I when we were talking with him about our little Jubilee.  In the book of Joshua, Chapters 3 and 4, God piles the River Jordan into a heap on either side so His people can pass through.  Afterwards, He commands the Israelites to make a pile of stones on the other side of the river where He parted the waters and delivered them so they could look back for generations at that pile of stones and remember God’s goodness and faithfulness to Him:

He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their parents, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ²² tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’ ²³ For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. ²⁴ He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.” Joshua 4:21-24

I leave piles of stones in my writing here on the blog for the same reason- I want to remember.  I want to remember that the hand of the Lord is powerful and that God is faithful. My baptism on Sunday was another means of making that pile of stones- I wanted to leave a pile of stones in this season that I could look back on and remember God’s goodness in dwelling with us through these days- in piling the darkness in two heaps on either side of us as He did the Jordan River- so that we could safely pass, and in gifting us with the greatest Hope of eternal life beyond the aches of this world.  I wanted to make a pile of stones that would remind me of His work in my life and that glorifies Him- especially in this dark season- when He rescued us and gave us a reason to shout for joy. 

The cherry on top?  My grandmother was baptized in the River Jordan a few years ago, and when I told her we were talking about baptizing Jubilee, she sent me a vile of water from the very river I wrote of above and the river Jesus was baptized in. Jubilee shared a little with Momma yesterday- my dad worked a covert operation and dumped half the bottle in before the ceremony started. =)

Below are a few photos of the afternoon taken by my sweet friend, Trudy.  While I stood in the water, our women's ministry leader read the testimony I wrote aloud. I was grateful to have her read because it was an incredibly emotional few moments, and while my heart was happy, the tears were falling, and there was no way I could have shared my story in one piece. =) Here's a copy of what she read:

I’ve known Jesus and loved Him for a long time, but even after He came into my story, I was entangled in sin: quiet, sneaky sin that presented itself in the form of control, fear, and anxiety. There are several people God has used to pursue me and guide my heart more towards Him, but none compare to the way God has pursued me through my baby, Jubilee.

I’m seven months pregnant today, and three months ago my husband and I were told the precious life I’m carrying would not survive.  They don’t know when; they just know she won’t stay with us. Jubilee’s diagnosis was a defining moment for me: I had the option to keep grasping for control in a situation where I had none, or I could surrender it all and let every last piece of my heart fall into the arms of Jesus. I chose Jesus. Since that moment, I have fallen more in love with Him than I ever thought possible.  Through His death, He has shown me the greatest love, has taken my sin, covered it with His grace, and given me a reason to shout for joy in the darkness. 

I’m finding myself so deeply in love with Christ and so intimately connected to Him that my heart now speaks a language of praise it hasn’t before.  Before, my heart sang praise because I read and was told that God was good.  Now my heart sings a New Song of praise because I know that God is good and faithful.

I’m getting baptized today because I want to remember.  I want to remember that the hand of the Lord is powerful, that God is always good and always faithful, and as others watch what God is doing in my life, I want them to know the same. Today is a reflection of God’s incredible work in my heart, and my desire to represent Him well every day of my life.

 I’m at a place where me and Jubilee and Jesus are so intimately connected that it just wouldn’t be possible for me to say this baptism isn’t also for her. My baptism today marks LIFE.  Not only the glorious work Jesus has done in my life and my eternal hope of Heaven by His saving grace, but also the glorious work He’s done in our little Jubilee and the abundant whole and eternal life she, through His grace, will have as well. 

 Here's to LIFE- Haste the day, Lord Jesus!

Croup and Heartburn and Backaches, OH MY!

Just wanted to hop online and let you know I'm still here, and I know I'm in situation that probably leads to lots of questions when I don't update for a while, so I just wanted to assure you that I have a sweet friend lined up to update the blog for me when I'm officially in labor.  So no need to worry if the blog is silent for a bit.  =) 

This time the break has been due to a long week in our neck of the woods fighting various ailments: Croup for Newbie, pregnancy aches and pains for me, and putting up with the both of us for the Hubs. My man is such a trooper.  I can't count the loads of dishes and laundry and diapers he's taken care of in the past 48 hours. 

We've had the blessing of using the heart doppler to hear Jubilee's heartbeat a couple times a day.  It is such a sweet sound, and I love having the ability to check it at home instead of having to go into the doctor. We don't know how long we'll get to hear that bitty swoosh swoosh swoosh, but boy, do I swoon over it and savor that sound every time we do! I have a feeling she has changed positions a bit because I have been suuuper uncomfortable the past few days.  One of the bonuses to not feeling so great is that it reminds me of my pregnancy with Newbie...Jubilee is so tiny that much of this pregnancy has physically felt very different than my pregnancy with Newbie, but sister is making up for lost time and laying on the pregnancy symptoms in double over time the past few days.  Mega heartburn leading to lots of late night hours up wandering the living room, Googling heartburn remedies, and talking to Opie (I think he likes the company).  Aches and pains that keep me on the couch most of the day while the Hubs holds down the fort.  And I've been fighting the cold Newbie has, so we're just a big mess over here.  Which is why its been ages since I've updated and even longer since I've taken any pictures.

However, tomorrow the camera comes out again because Jubilee and I are getting baptized tomorrow afternoon(!!!!!!!), and a 7 month pregnant woman getting dunked in a pool of water is an event that deserves a few photos, don't you think? I couldn't be more excited about it, and I'm looking forward to telling you more, but Newbie's protesting bedtime, and I think its time Mama Bear takes a run at the "you need to put your head on your pillow" pep talk. =) 

Once things slow down over here a bit, I'll be back with more on our big afternoon- just wanted to pop in and let those of you who are reading from a distance know that we're hanging in there!

Happy weekending!

The Rescue

But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid.  Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today.  The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.  The LORD himself will fight for you.  Just stay calm.”  Exodus 14.13-14  (NLT)

My pastor shared this verse with me, and I couldn't have been more grateful for the timing.  I can't describe what a relief those words are to my aching soul today.  I just don't have anything left to give.  Friday's appointment was so discouraging, and we had a long hard weekend emotionally combined with sweet Newbie getting Croup and battling an awful cough through the night several nights in a row.  We woke up yesterday and today just exhausted.  Nothing in the tank left to process, pray, or fight.  

So when I read those words- that the Lord will fight for us and that we only need to stay calm, it was salve to the soul.  Because there's nothing else I am capable of doing anyway.  Nothing to do but stand still and watch the Lord rescue us today.

Oh, do we need a rescue.

And you know what?  He has rescued us.  These days have gotten longer and harder, and as we've hit our breaking point, and I am capable of nothing but to stand still and watch, I see that our Rescuer has shown up.  I'm writing down some of the things I've seen God do through others because I never want to forget His faithfulness to us and the ways we have seen Him be mighty to save us on this road.

Right now, the rescue looks like this:

I've gotten several comments and emails from far away friends who have heard Jubilee's story and have shared that they're praying for us.  The woman who cut fabric for my grandmother in Texas is praying for us.  A friend of a friend in Virginia is praying for us.  From what I've been told, that's just the tip of the iceberg. There are just leagues of people praying for us and rooting for Jubilee, and there is such an encouraging warmth in that because the Hubs and I have run out of words to say.  Our spirits have grown faint within us, and often when I pray I find myself just sitting before the Lord in silence.  Because I don't have the words. But the rescue is there- its there in the scores of others who are interceding for us, and it is such a blessing- I rely so much on the comfort of knowing others have the words when I do not.

Friday night after I shared our horrible news with some of my close girlfriends, they ambushed me. One with a delicious crockpot of chili, and two with nail polish and an endless supply of chocolate and good company.   Yes, there's nothing like a rescue in the form of fondue and hugs that speak volumes.

This is what friends are for:

(Yes, there were only three of us.  I told you they were good friends.=])

We ate.  And we cried.  And we laughed.  We laughed a lot.  I was so thankful for the joy in the sorrow because Friday was a day when the joy had been hard to find.  (...and we painted nails.  Because when the going gets tough, the tough get home-job pedicures.)

Sunday we asked my in-laws if they would stop by with some Kleenex for Newbie and a couple cans of soup.  They showed up with a trillion diapers, cold supplies, a slew of cookies and a hot lunch- complete with a cup of Panera's broccoli cheddar soup just for me.  Praise the Lord for the rescue in the small things like your favorite soup on a bad day!

My parents have ordered a fetal heart doppler that should be arriving today so I can keep track of Jubilee's heartbeat and home.  This will save me unnecessary trips into the doctor and will give us peace of mind while we try and determine if she's still with us and when we need to get up to the hospital.  I may actually be able to sleep at night.  Rescue, rescue, rescue.

My grandmother sewed a blanket for Jubilee that just radiates her love and has the aroma of everything I love about my grandparents just pouring from it.  My mom has made a few hats for Jubilee to wear on her birthday.  In two colors- pink for a girl, blue in case we've got ourselves a surprise boy(!).  In various sizes.  Because we don't know how big she'll be.  And she cried with me at Babies 'R Us while we picked out a couple outfits in white and pink and blue for Jubi to wear.  My baby will be wrapped in love and will have something sweet to wear- and when I said I needed two of each- one for her to stay in and one for a shadowbox to keep at home- Mom didn't hesitate to throw four tiny outfits in varying colors in the cart.  Rescue.

My dear childhood friend who lost her sweet son at 17 weeks just before I lost Eden this summer sent me the most carefully worded letter to share the incredible news that she is expecting.  She must have been scared to pieces writing to me, but I was so grateful she reached out and gave me a heads-up.  I was anxious about how I'd feel when one of my close friends told me they were pregnant again, but there was such grace and love in her news, I didn't even flinch. I was so thankful she broke the ice.  She will never know the rescue I found in her words- the courage and joy I drew from her new hope- and the excitement I have for her and her husband in this next chapter! There is rescue in redemption.  There is rescue when He does a new thing!

When I walked in the door today, the woman who my parents have had cleaning my house for me had done at least three loads of laundry and folded them for me.  In addition to a sparkling house.  If you've been reading for a while, you know that laundry is NOT my gig, most especially at seven months pregnant.  The stacks of clean clothes brought forth a Praise Jesus!, no doubt. 

My girlfriend's mother-in-law knit (crocheted?  oh gosh...she's gonna get me for not knowing which because I was informed that one is way cooler than the other, and now I can't remember which is which!) a beautiful prayer shawl for me, putting a prayer in every stitch and writing the most encouraging and heartfelt letter to go with it.  The best part?  There was one for me and one for Jubilee. Oh, the tears.  Oh the beauty in being loved by someone you don't know well. Oh, the rescue.

One of my girlfriends has made a meal for me once a week for the past two+ months.  Today she called to say her and her husband are setting me up with an express checkout/delivery at our local grocery store.  This means I can order all my groceries online and will spare me from waddling down the aisles and pulling Newbie in and out of the car seat in addition to loading a trillion bags of groceries.  And all the people said, "Amen".

A friend living (way too) far away called in Chinese food for the Hubs and I Saturday night.  I have never known the power of a hot meal until two months ago, and I can tell you this: orange chicken and rice had never tasted better. The same friend wrote the sweetest note to me about how she's seen me grow in the past several months.  Words of encouragement from someone who knows me so well- such a blessing.

I can't be the momma I want to be for Newbie right now, and when I asked my sister through tears to come and spend some special time with him, she jumped at coming out for the day yesterday.  She took us to the park and blew me out of the water, sliding with Newbie and climbing in and out of the playground with him.  He got to play with someone who loves him as much as I do the way I haven't been able to play with him in a while, and I loved watching him run and laugh and squeal.  Rescued at the alligator park by someone who looks a lot like me and who loves my little boy like I do.  Joy.

****
The list of rescues goes on and on and on.  I know I haven't even begun to write about them all here because there are simply too very many to count. Our grandparents, our small group, our pastors, my blog readers, sweet people at church, parents of friends, strangers, friends of friends of friends- there's no way to fit it all into a post because its just an endless outpouring of love.  But I wanted to catch a few- because I want to remember what it looks like to love someone well- to assist in the Lord's rescue.

Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today.

So many of you have been a rescue to us and continue to throw out a lifeline.  It doesn't make the pain go away, but oh, how we can see Jesus in the notes and the dinners and the phone calls and the laundry and the kind words and the hugs.  It is so beautiful and comforting to watch Him rescue us today.

Thank you for listening as He assigns you to the rescue.  He's breathing the breath of life into us through you.  

And then there's the two rescuers under my own roof. 

Newbie curled up next to me on the couch, linked his arm in mine and said in the softest, sweetest little voice, "Hi Mommy.  I wuv yew" through his binky before resting his head against my side.  Then he leaned in to give Jubilee a hug.  Sweet Jesus, the beauty of the rescue you gave to me in that boy.  I love to see Newbie loving on Jubilee.  I love that she's a part of us like that.

The Hubs has been a wellspring of unending help.  Laundry, dishes, diapers, bathtime, bedtime, holding me, holding me, holding me, and looking deep into my eyes with complete understanding when I tell him how much I wish this would all go away and how much I want to be faithful, but how desperately I want God to just fix our baby. The strength I draw from his quiet servant heart can't be put into words.  I am so, so blessed to experience the Lord rescuing me through my husband. 

Through this journey, I'm learning so much about how God works through other people to bring us closer to Himself- to remind us that He's here and He is good and He loves loves loves us.  And I'm taking notes.  Because when I'm on the other side of this, and I have something to give again, I'm going to look for ways I can help the Lord rescue others.  Because I'm learning that there is so much power in the rescue.  I don't think He needs us for the rescue- I know He is big enough to rescue on His own- but I know He delights in us when we love Him and when we love our neighbor, and when we assist in the rescue- we do just that. 

So when I can breathe again, when I can think beyond how to put one foot in front of the other, I want to start each day asking God, who can I help you rescue today?  (And then I'm going to remind Him that I'm not good at laundry but that I'm willing to do anything else that might help whoever it is He asks me to help.  =])  Because there is so much power in the rescue.

In the meantime, I'm going to do all I can do: Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue me today.

And I'm going to thank Him for all of you who are assisting Him in the rescue.  And I'm going to thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

Heartbeat

I know this place where Newbie is. 

Its the place I used to go as a little girl at the end of a long night with family and friends.  While my parents sat on the couch talking and laughing with family, I would climb my sleepy little frame up into my daddy's lap and rest my head against his chest while he wrapped his arms around me to make room.  I would close my eyes and snuggle in there where I could hear his heartbeat and the low drown of his voice through his chest.  While the night carried on around us, I would stay there, where it was safe- where my tired little self could escape from the people and the sounds, and while the gathering carried on around me, I would close my eyes and listen to the pa-pum pa-pum pa-pum of his heart, and there was no safer or more restful place to be. 


They found fluid in Jubilee's abdomen, chest, and skin yesterday.  As I laid on the table, the ultrasound wand gliding over my belly,and the technician explaining where the fluid was and pointing it out on the screen, I felt the tears silently slip down my cheeks and hit the crunchy paper under my ears. The fluid retention they found means her body isn't processing fluid the way it should be, and that is very hard on her little heart.  It means that at seven months pregnant, they no longer expect me to go full term or to deliver with any hope of a few minutes or hours with our little baby alive.  Our doctor told us that with this new development, they expect Jubilee's health to continue to worsen until her sweet little heart just stops pumping.  When it does, they'll induce labor, and I'll deliver our baby.  I have an appointment every Thursday or Friday for the next six weeks to monitor her heartbeat.  They're also going to be watching me closely.  Since Jubilee is so sick, there's a possibility I will pick up on some of her symptoms and develop preclampsia or toxemia.  So we have weekly appointments with two of us on the radar.

It was the worst appointment we've had outside of the morning they told us she wasn't going to survive when she was born.  Our joy in seeing our girl on the ultrasound screen was dampened by all of the swelling we saw in her face, as we could tell she was sick.  The Hubs put his arm around my shoulder as we walked out of the building and guided me through the parking garage as tears shook my frame and blurred my vision.  He helped me into the car, and that's when I stopped walking. 

I closed my eyes, and in my mind it was black.  I fell to my knees in the darkness and buried my face in the ground.  I couldn't go on anymore.  Not with the news we had been given.  Not with the horrific details they shared about what this kind of delivery may involve.  It was just too much.  I sobbed into the ground in the darkness, crumpled up on the floor. 

My sobs shook me in the dark, and He was there.  He stood over me, then reached down into the mess and scooped me up.  He rested my head against His chest and He began walking.  Into the darkness, He carried me.  And with my head against His chest, I heard the pa-pum pa-pum pa-pum of Jesus' heart.  His heartbeat was constant and steady, and He walked through the darkness with me in His arms and it said over and over again, "Peace, be still.  Peace, be still."

Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. Mark 4:39

He continued to carry me, and I knew that place.  Its the place I used to go as a little girl at the end of a long night. I would climb my sleepy little frame up into my daddy's lap and rest my head against his chest while he wrapped his arms around me to make room.  I would close my eyes and snuggle in there where I could hear his heartbeat and the low drown of his voice through his chest. Except this time it was the heartbeat of my Heavenly Father, and He was the safe place in the darkness.

He didn't sit still while He held me.  He walked on. He kept walking, the beat of His heart calming me and telling me to be still.  I buried my head in His chest and let Him lead me through the darkness, because I could not even stand on two legs, for the earth on which we were standing had given way and the mountains had fallen into the sea.

And so, He carries me.  He carries me because there is no walking through the darkness for this momma now- the hurt is too searing, the longing too adamant and the sorrow too deep.

We are in His hands.

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” John 10:28-30

He carries us through the dark.

^"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6

In the past 24 hours my world, which was already crumbling around me, gave way.  When we thought the news could not get any worse, it did.  How could it have gotten any worse?  How could the darkness extend further before us?  Somehow it did.  But as I am still and listen to the pa-pum, pa-pum, pa-pum of God's heartbeat as He carries me through,  I know that He is God and that Jesus is our ever-present help in trouble.

And so the constant and steady pa-pum, pa-pum, pa-pum of my own heart echos His praise. Torn and broken my heart wrenches in pain and cries the words of Psalm 13: "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?" but my heart knows that God is good. My soul's cry continues with the end of Psalm 13:  But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me.  With each beat I pour out praise because oh, how He must love us to carry us through the dark! To scoop us up, rest our head against His chest as we weep and to share the beating of His heart with us- the beat that says,“Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10.

While I rest my head on the heart of my Savior, as He carries me through this darkness, our sweet Jubilee listens to my heart- the only one who can hear it from the inside.  And do you know what she hears? Despite her illness, despite the prognosis and the darkness and the torrent of tears? 

With each pump she hears, and she knows that with every beat my heart is hammering words of praise- the words of Psalm 100, from which she was named: Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Pa-pum, Shout for joy to the Lord, pa-pum, shout for joy, pa-pum pa-pum pa-pum, shout for joy to the Lord all the earth; worship the Lord with gladness!

Our God is good.  And though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the the heart of the sea, we will not fear.

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Praying that today, no matter where you are or what your circumstances, you are still and know that He is God and He is with you. A love this rich and deep is too good to miss.

Let's be still today and know Him, friends.  For He is good and His love endures forever.

The Now

I am beautifully addicted to our everyday.  God has taught me so much through Jubilee about making every moment count and about being thankful for each day we have.  My heart has been so heavy lately as we get closer to Jubilee's due date and closer to the hard days ahead, but when I focus on the right now all of the weight, the heavy, heavy weight, is lifted enough to breathe, and with every. single. breath. my heart shouts for joy to the Lord for the blessing of now.

Some of the blessings of our right now the make me smile the most:

We are "bwushin' da teesth" after bath time with the biggest grin this boy can muster.

We are building forts with Daddy and snuggling in for family movie nights. Daddy surprised us with a living room full of pillows and blankets and cushions and allllll of Newbie's friends settled in to watch the movie. He's kind of a stud when it comes to being an awesome dad.

We are singing wheels on the bus at our class at the gym and celebrating the fact that Newbie sat through the ENTIRE song without running away to find a "bas-set ball". 

We are waking up to a sleepy set of eyes snuggled inbetween the Hubs and I in the morning and a small sweet voice that asks, "pwees eat it wucky farms?"  before he says anything else.  Boy has Lucky Charms on the brain every day, and if he happens to have hitched a snooze in our bed, its the first thing we hear about in the morning.

We are pouting about trying the balance beam instead of playing ball no matter how good or plentiful Daddy's pep talks.

(My dad will see this picture and laugh about that fat pouty bottom lip and say that he gets it from his momma because I've been known to throw around more than a few pouty lips in my day now when I didn't don't get my way. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, folks.)

We are fending off Opie while we munch at the table and Newbie's blurting out "Opie twouble" when Opie's being naughty.  Or we're laughing at my most recent favorite, "Opie shake-a da ears!" when he hears Opie giving a good shake of his head.

 

We are playing cards at night after Newbie goes to bed to keep the sadness at bay, and we're swapping stories about our day and laughing at our sweet boy and holding our breath with wide eyes when Jubilee busts out a particularly enthusiastic dance move.  We're whispering after we turn out the light and the Hubs is asking if we can please wake Newbie up just to snuggle and talk with him before we call it a night.  I always say no, but one of these days I just might cave. Don't judge us.  Its hard to resist the amount of cute Newbie possesses. =)

We are waiting for our first ever visit from the ice cream truck at the end of a fun-filled birthday weekend.  We're picking out ice cream and hanging the lady coins and fussing about holding the popsicle because "its a yiddle told!"  (little cold).  We're licking that bad boy like its the last fudgecicle we'll ever meet.

We're snuggling in with Grandma to read one of our favorite books (Hello, is this Grandma?) and we're giggling at each story time lately because Newbie has to have a "prop" to go with almost every book he reads.  Every. book.  This time he found his telephone and crocodile with Grandma because the little boy in the book has a phone and there's a crocodile in the story too.  Before bed tonight he asked for a basketball when he pulled out a book about a boy who shoots hoops. This little boy makes now so very, very sweet.

(One of my all-time favorite pictures.  Ever.)

We're watching home videos to celebrate Newbie's birthday and looking back on our yesterdays and remembering how quickly now can slip between our fingers.  We're squeezing every last drop of joy out of our days so we can look back later and smile knowing we made each moment of our yesterdays count.

For the record, We're I'm also pounding down leftover birthday cake like its our my job.  Hey, if you're going to cherish the now, go hard or go home, baby.  ;)

*****
The bottom line is, I honestly just don't know how to get through these days without taking it one step at a time and sucking the life out of the blessings around me.  I drink our everyday stuff in like its the last glass of water I'll ever see.  I thank God for everything- the little things and the big things and the in between things because I don't know how to breathe without seeing Him in everything and knowing He is here.  Sad isn't far from the surface these days (hello, crying over grilled cheese at one of my girlfriend's houses today.  Thanks for the hug, Al.) and its just because we're getting so much closer to the tomorrow I've been dreading since the 16th of February and our now seems to be slipping away quicker than it has all along. 

The tears fall, but the smile stays because good night, how precious is that sweet boy and that little life fluttering away in that round belly? I don't want to lose a single day with these two littles.

Each and every day is a battle to keep the now- to drink deep of God's goodness in today, to thank Him for the blessings pouring out of our everydays and to fight off the fear and worry, dread and sorrow that threatens to steal the precious little time we have with our Jubilee.  Prayers for protection over our everydays would be so much appreciated- that not a single moment or day would be stolen from us during this time.  Because the battle for today- for our now- is hard, and the warriors are weary, friends. 

God is so good, but this road is so long and so hard, and it simply cannot be walked alone. We don't have the strength to push away thoughts of tomorrow without God's grace to have eyes only for today.  We're determined to shout for joy for our little Jubilee, but the shouting is tough when the darkness is so loud- its such a blessing to us to know others are coming alongside us and lifting us in prayer because the daily battle just can't be won in our own strength.  We need God's protection over our hearts and our minds and our now- and we are so blessed when others step in and fight for us in that through prayer.  Thank you in advance a billion times over to those of you who bless us in that way.  It is such a sweet gift to be given the grace to see only the beauty of today and not worry about tomorrow.

We're trekking on.  Fighting for the now and allowing ourselves to be captivated by the blessings of today- the ice cream trucks, the lullabies, the belly flutters, the late night laughs, the constant brushing of "da teesth".  The now is a beautiful gift, and each day we're unwrapping it, giving thanks to the Giver of all good things, and holding onto it as tightly as we can until its time to let it go as we turn out the light.

Praying you have eyes to see the beauty in your now and the courage to embrace the gift of today without concern for tomorrow.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow -Matthew 6:34

Newbie's "Mouse Cookie" Party

Wowzers, what a weekend!  We had a big birthday bash for Newbie up in here and it took us all of Sunday to recover from the fun! 

Newbie has always loved reading The Best Mouse Cookie and brother has a serious fetish with chocolate milk, so it only seemed fitting to throw him a If you give a mouse a cookie Milk and Cookies birthday party this year.  I had planned to pull back on the party planning, but the week of the party the creative juices started flowing, and with a lot of help from my mama, we pulled off quite the extravaganza! We missed lots of Texas family, Newbie's Great Grandma, and Uncle J and Aunt Corndog (who have been sending me horrifically lovely pictures of the beach in Florida), but we had a blast celebrating with family and friends who were in town!

The Details:

(GiGi and Grandad ordered Newbie's cake- it was so fun!)

(We had a few party games- "mouse cookie" coloring sheets, a little ball pit, pin-the-chocolate-chip-on-the-cookie, and a Bake Shoppe full of pretend cookies for the kiddos to play with.)

(Milk and cookies were running out of our ears!  Chocolate Chip, Double Chocolate Chunk, Peanut Butter, Molasses, and Everything But The Kitchen Sink.... I'm still full from all the munching.)

(Kiddos went home with juice box holders and a little bag of cookies....the juice box holders were in an effort to save my new carpet-ha!)

The Prep:

(The night before his birthday, Newbie declared he wanted a "bird-day hat" so Grandma and I took him out to the store, and Grandma bought a slew of bird-day hats for the party. He was smitten.)

The Play:

(The Hubs read The Best Mouse Cookie to the kiddos after some milk and cookies.  Newbie loved it.)

(After singing "bird-day tew yew" to Woody and Lightning and Opie for the past few days, he was thrilled to hear the crowd singing it to him!)

The After Party:
We loved taking the time to celebrate our little man, and the Hubs and I were so humbled by the sweet family and friends who were excited to celebrate with us.  We are so blessed with good friends, and it was such a joy to share the day with them.  We had a little after party at a local pizza buffet after cake and cookies. (When its your birthday, you get to eat dessert first!) I love that all of our kiddos play together and that we can all sit down for a pizza dinner and share babies and food and matchbox cars with one another.  It was the perfect end to a wonderful birthday!

I can't believe my little man is two years old.  He is growing up so quickly- he's been talking like crazy and keeps the Hubs and I laughing all day long.  It is such a joy to be this little guy's momma, and I am so blessed by God's gift in entrusting this little heart to us. 

Happy Birthday, Newbie!  We love you!!!

*****

Jubilee and I are off to see what we can do about a little post-lunch birthday cake leftovers. =)  We have a big week this week ending in an ultra sound on Friday. I've been processing a lot lately, and I was so thankful to have a break from all the thinking with Newbie's birthday weekend.  Sweet friends covered us in prayer, and we were given a nice reprieve from the weight of our normal days and were able to just really sit back and enjoy our family sorrow-free. =) We're back to the grind again today, so for now I'll leave you with the oddles of birthday party pictures and wish you all a happy Monday!

The Big 0-2!

Happy Birthday to my sweet little TWO year old today!!!

It's probably what every momma says at every 2 year birthday, but I can't believe its been two whole years since we first held this precious boy.  Oh, how we adore him!

The birthday boy is stoked for his big day.  He's been singing "appy birf-day to yew" all day and talking about his "birf-day pawty".  I've baked a billion and three cookies and sorted party favors.  But we've got nothing on the Daddy:  The Hubs has been hanging streamers for two and a half hours.  It's midnight and I was just informed that he is almost done making the "birthday tunnel of awesome"...apparently each birthday you make a wish and then run throught the tunnel of streamers outside your bedroom door. 

I think its time to party. =)