Walking with Hope

I'm writing today, but its the kind of post where I get for real and it ain't always pretty. You've been warned. =)

I'm here to say losing your baby is not a one time thing.  I have my husband and my son, and they bring me an unfathomable amount of joy, the blessing I have in them is in no way lost on me, and God has undeniably been faithful to us through this journey of loss, but the pain and the hurt and the longing and the hopes and the questions are things that I carry with me every day.  Every day I wake up, and every day my daughter is not with me.  Someday, when I go Home, that will change.  But right now?  Right now she isn't here, and right now, that hurts in places unknown to me before this summer.  I didn't realize I'd lose her everyday.  And I do.  I lose my girl every day that I wake up and she isn't here. 

This walk through loss isn't clean.  Even though Jesus is my very best friend, this walk isn't clean and sparkly and filled with rainbows and butterflies.  It isn't a walk where, because I know my daughter is in Heaven,  I can dance and run and frolic through life, allowing the hope of Christ to carry me through like a hot air balloon above a jungle teeming with pain and hurt and brokenness. 

This walk?  This walk is messy and sticky and deep.  My legs are covered in molasses-like mud, trying to swallow me up into the ground. As I trudge through the impossible, each step takes all my energy, my heart squeezes and pours out as the journey consumes all I have to give.  The hope I have in Christ, it isn't like a rescue line that lifts me up out of the muck- the pain, the hurt, the ache, the loss.  I am not spared the pain of this life.  The hope Christ has given me is the light inside that keeps me going, giving me the strength to fight through the mess and the ugly- through the impossible. 

Hope doesn't spare you from hardship; hope walks with you through it.   

So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.2 Thessalonians 2:15-17

The pain of loss is so, so ugly. Its an every day ugly. But as I walk through this season of hardship, I am filled with the gift of eternal encouragement and good hope.  While I wade through the muck, fighting to keep my head above the consuming hurt, my heart is encouraged and I am strengthened.  Hope is walking with me- through the pain, through the tears, through the aching.

And so, with the knowledge that God is in control, that He has a plan, that He is always good and always right and always loves me, that through the death and resurrection of Christ I will one day be with Him and (bonus!) with my girl, I press on, walking with Hope.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:12-14

This is one girl who is looking forward to the coming change in seasons as I strain towards what is ahead. Bring on the cider, the pumpkins, the chilly autumn air- let's press on.

Praying you walk with Hope today.