Ice Cream and baseball glubs

(Disclaimer: this is a messy, unrevised and unedited post that I'm letting go because the Hubs and Newbie have both snuck off to bed without me and I don't like going to bed alone. =)  But the good news is there are lots of pictures, so that makes up for the messiness, right? Also, its long...some of you who are new to my blog are probably thinking "GOOD NIGHT this chick write a lot of long posts."  The truth is, I don't usually throw this much jazz into writing, but life has taken a turn for the long and winding, and lately my posts have followed suit in my trying to keep up.  Someday maybe I'll be able to keep it under 93,837 words.  We'll see. =])

[deep breath]

This is so hard.  There are days when today is easier than others, and then there are days when today is really hard.  Today was really hard.  We had an ultrasound and doctor appointment this morning, and we were reminded of the reality of this situation and how sick our little Jubilee is.  She wasn't wiggling much on the screen today, and her little arms were snuggled up against her chest and her little hands and fingers tucked up under her chin.  She looked so snuggly and peaceful, but the truth of the her health didn't sneak out of the room today.  Our doctor was more quiet than usual and we were given the same prescription when we left: yes, you are having contraction, and yes, you may be on the verge of labor any day now or it may still be July before you deliver this baby- but either way, your baby is very sick and its not looking good. 

Ugh.

There's a fine balance we've been weighing between hoping and praying for God's complete healing and a rock-your-socks-off miracle and swallowing what we see and bracing ourselves for a really difficult experience ahead of us.  We believe completely that God can change the game at the last minute.  We also know a change in Jubilee's health and development may not be at all what He has in mind. We've been really transparent with God about what we would like to have happen, usually through sobbing tears in the dark of night (hello, incredible miracle and happy, healthy, full-term baby in July), but I can honestly say that what I want is what He wants.    It's not my Christian cookie-cutter answer for a hard situation.  It's just the truth.  I want what He wants for this baby.  I want His will to be done in this because I trust Him.  I trust what He says about how He loves us.  I trust what He says about how much He loves our Jubilee.  I trust what He says about the plans He has for us, and I trust what He says about how He will be with us. 

Because we trust Him, we're praying the He would just have mercy on this sweet baby- whether that mercy comes wrapped up in a full-healing miracle, or in a glorious Home-coming, we are just praying His will would be done for our Jubilee, and that He would do what is right for her and for Him.

And that He would hold us together in whatever that looks like.

Sometimes people ask the Hubs or me if we're angry.  I can honestly say that I'm not.  Do I beg Him to make all the brokenness go away? Yes.  A thousand times a day or more.  Do I ask Him to help us learn whatever we need to learn in this but to get us through it as unscathed as possible?  Absolutely.  Do I let Him know that we'd really be ok with it if we woke up and this was all just a bad dream?  Every morning.

But I'm not angry. Because I know He is always good.  Because I know Heaven is incomparably better than here.  Because I know that He is weeping with us when we face the darkest, loneliest parts of this and because I know He has caught every single one of our tears in His hand.  Because I know that the same hurt the Hubs and I face every day is the very hurt that breaks the heart of the Lord- because it was never meant to be this way. 

I'm not angry because I love Him and trust Him with all of my heart. He is so much bigger than this, and His plans are so much better, and His Story stretches far beyond my family and our hardships. I have no doubt that God's hand is heavy on this child and that He is dwelling with us through this and that no matter what happens, He is always good. 

I'm not angry at Him; I'm desperate for Him.

If anything at all, knowing how sick our baby is drives me further into the arms of God.  We are desperate for Him.  For His promises, for His Kingdom, for His plans, for His glory.  All of it.  He's everything to us, and He is enough.

But that doesn't mean today isn't hard.  Today was.  But we're pressing on because where else is there to go?  We debated what to do after our hard day today.  At first we had planned on coming home and huddling up on the couch for a quiet night together as a family.  Then remembered there's such a thing as an ice cream shop and we still have today to share the world and our hearts with our sweet Jubilee, and so we hit Cold Stone like it was going out of style.

(Sweet Jubilee, we got to take a little peek at you this morning, and it was so good to see you snuggled up in Momma's belly.  You looked so peaceful and sweet and my heart squeezed with wanting to hold you and rock you and sing to you and  stroke your hair. We know we may not get to do those things here, so instead we took you out and loved on you the best way we knew how tonight: with Birthday Cake Remix ice cream and lots of sprinkles.  You and Big Brother had your first taste of Mommy and Daddy's favorite ice cream, and we had to explain to you both that this was a gourmet experience and you shouldn't expect us to shell out five bucks on a pile of ice cream every time we get a treat.  Cold Stone is for special occasions, and its a place where Mommy and Daddy went to when we were dating and we wanted to share it with both of you.  So we forked over your brother's college fund to feast on a delicious cake batter and brownie/fudge/sprinkles combo, and it was worth every penny, wasn't it, sweet Baby?  You know that's right.)

(Big Brother has a sticker fetish that he decided to share with you last week.  I told you about how Mutte sends Big Brother lots of stickers in the mail because she knows how much he loves them, and then we were interrupted by Big Brother coming in and telling us he had fed Opie some stickers.  "Opie eat it," he said.  Oh, boy.  I took it as an opportunity to tell you about how Opie eats socks and other naughty things too and how he's always been a bit of a rascal but we love him anyway because his tail is cute and curly and he's really snuggly at night when we sit on the couch.  Then we got back to talking about "Too-Tee" and the stickers she sends and how much she loves you and your big brother and how that loves just oozes out of every fun little package she sends in the mail.  I told you about how her letters smell like her and remind me of growing up in Texas, and then I told you about GD's meadow and the cows that are there and all the fun Aunt Corndog and I had visiting when we were little girls.  You are so, so loved, Little One, and I know all of your great-grandparents would just love to give you a big squeeze.  They are praying for you, Jubilee.  Lots and lots. Do you know how much we love you?!  SO much!)

(Do you remember hearing Mommy and Big Brother play the piano last week?  Mommy only took lessons for a few years, so she's still stuck in a beginners song book, but that doesn't mean I can't rock out a few good Disney songs or the Jurassic Park theme song. =)  Your brother loves to "pay nano" and you got in on the fun last week!)

(Sometimes our days are slow and we don't do much besides sit in buckets on the floor.  Last Thursday was one of those days.  Hello, Big Brother!  Jubilee, that goofy brother of yours loves you so much.  Did you know that when you were even smaller than you are now, he hugged your belly and wanted to "pay bay-bee"?  He wanted to pray for you each morning when we woke up, and he would snuggle my belly to give you a hug.  We still pray for you every day, and he likes to pick up your picture in the frame on the end table and look at you.  He came to see you on the screen today, but he didn't last long because Big Brother is kinda noisy and wiggly...but he did catch a glimpse of the baby in Momma's belly before Daddy had to sneak him out to find some candy.  What a blessing you are to us, Jubilee- you are a piece to this family that we will always, always love and treasure- just like we have since the day we found out you were a part of us.  You and your big sister Eden have taught us so much about how to love well.  Thank you, Little One, for giving us the opportunity to learn how to make every day count.)

(My goodness, do you ever know how to play some baseball.  Big Brother and Daddy played baseball all weekend long, and I imagine you've heard more of the "Ball Game Song" and "STRIKE THREE!" than any 21 week old baby.  I told you about what its like to go to a ball game in the spring and about how Mommy and Daddy both played the game and how much we loved it.  It looks like Big Brother loves it too...he's been wearing Daddy's "glub" all weekend.  I wish I could do a good job describing the smell of the leather in the glove or the texture of the dirt on the field or the thrill of catching a line drive at third and throwing the runner out at first, but its just too much fun for words!  And don't even get me started on the cotton candy or the lemon chills when you're sitting in the stands at the ball park...yum!  We love baseball, and I'm so glad you got to be a part of that with all the baseball played this weekend.)

(Jubilee, did you know your daddy is a handyman?  He is.  He has remodeled everything in this new house and he has put in hours and hours doing all sorts of things that Mommy has no idea how to do.  Big Brother helped Daddy fix up the playroom on Saturday.  They were both really busy with the tools, and you and me just sat and watched and made sure nobody poked and eye out with the screwdriver.  Our raingutter bookshelves are up now, and we have set out the Easter books to read and enjoy over the next several weeks.  Over Christmas we read all about how God sent Jesus to teach us how to love and to tell us how much He loves us, and now we get to read about Easter and how Jesus died for us and then rose again into Heaven to make a way for us to get to be with Him forever if we give Him our hearts and follow Him.  Mommy and Daddy have given Jesus our hearts, and we pray every day that you and Big Brother will know Jesus like we do.  He is so good, sweet Baby, and He loves you so very, very much!  You can trust Him and follow Him anywhere He asks you to go, and you never have to be afraid because He will always be with us.  Oh, how we love Jesus, and Oh!  how He loves you, Jubilee!)

(I know you must know how much your Daddy loves you, sweet baby.  He is our rock around here, and has done such a good job taking care of the three of us, hasn't he?  Mommy loves him to pieces, and I am sure you do too.  He has read Scripture to you before bed at night in that wonderfully deep voice of his, and I hope it makes you feel safe and snug like it makes Big Brother and Mommy feel when we are around Daddy and can hear his voice.  We are so so blessed to have a Daddy like we do at our house, sweet baby.  And he love love loves you so much! He makes it easy for us to understand how much God loves us, doesn't he?  The way he cares for us and makes us feel safe and holds us when we cry.  Your Daddy is such a gift, sweet one.)

(We went to Chilli's this weekend and introduced you to the best salsa in the world.  Daddy and Big Brother taught you the art of watching the game on the TV above the tables, and Momma taught you the art of putting way too much sour cream on fajitas because why even eat them if you aren't going to smother them in sour cream?!  We had a fun lunch date with you, sweet baby.  We love having you be a part of our fun family weekends.)

(Sunday we went to church and got more hugs for you from more people we love and I was so happy to have another Sabbath with you where you can hear God's people sing His praise.  Heaven will be like that, Jubilee, only so very, very much more beautiful and wonderful!  Your big sister Eden already knows all about that, but we can only dream of how pretty the music in Heaven is.  Mommy is so excited to hear that music and be a part of it someday...I'm hoping God can teach me a little bit of rhythm before we get there. =)  You know Mommy loves to sing, Jubilee, but you should really listen to Daddy when it comes to all of the important stuff like rhythm and key.  He is a drummer and is good with those things.  What Mommy lacks in talent, she makes up for with enthusiasm though- and that's what its all about anyway...making a joyful noise!)

(You are getting big!  Daddy took some pictures on Sunday after church because we want to remember what you looked like in Mommy's belly.  My goodness how I love the little baby bump God has given us in you, Jubilee.  You are such a treasure!)

Jubilee, I want you to know how many people are praying for you and thinking about you and loving you.  You are not alone, sweet baby; there are so many people cheering you on and enjoying watching you grow.  Can you feel their blessing? Mommy and Daddy have been so blessed by the love and prayers of our friends and family and sweet strangers who really aren't strangers at all- I want you to know that those people are loving on you when they love on us, and I hope you feel every bit of that love, Little One.  

You are such a gift and a treasure to us, Jubilee.  Thank you for teaching us to be thankful in all things and to trust God no matter what.  You have helped us grow, Little One.  Did you know you are already impacting the world?  Yes, you!  Tiny you, are touching and changing hearts, and Mommy and Daddy are so proud to be your parents.  We love love love you, sweet baby.  And please please forgive us for calling you a girly name and throwing around all kinds of "she's"  and "her"'s in these days...we'll nip it in the bud as soon as we find out if you're our son or daughter, but for now, thank you for giving Mommy and Daddy grace and letting us give you a name in the meantime.  =)  

Love you forever,

Mommy
*****
The Hubs and I are finding that this road only gets longer and more difficult to walk with each passing day at this point, and we just wanted to say thank you for walking with us.  We can't tell you how much encouragement, comfort, and strength we get from knowing we're not in this alone.  We've been so blessed by the surprise grocery runs and dinners and phone calls and text messages and emails and blog comments and facebook notes and prayers upon prayers upon prayers for us and our Jubilee. Not a single act of reaching out goes unnoticed or is chalked up as anything but a huge encouragement to us.  Thank you a trillion times over with sprinkles and fudge and brownies on top. =)

Hugs from our family to yours,

Brittany