The Knowing and The Smile

This girl?

 (Hello, little bitty 23 week old Jubilee!)

She knows. 

She knows He made her and that she is His.

It is he who made us, and we are his... Psalm 100:3

She knows He sees her in the secret place; that He's watched her as He has knit her together in her mother's womb.

You knit me together in my mother's womb....My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place...Psalm 139:13&15

She knows His eyes see her unformed body and that He has a plan for her life- even before she got here.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be...Psalm 139:16
She knows.

She knows that her worth isn't measured by the number of her days, but by the love of her Creator- and that His love endures forever.

 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever... Psalm 100:5 
And she knows that His faithfulness will not fail her.

his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5

And the knowing? 

The knowing that He sees her and knows her and loves her and has a plan for her?

...it makes her smile:

(Yes!  That is my sweet girl in 3D smiling for us, snuggled up inside. Hi there, beautiful!)

I hope you know what she knows...that He sees you and knows you and loves you and has a plan for you.  And I hope that truth warms your heart, speaks to your soul, and makes you smile.

My girl- she gets it.

(Jubilee, do you know how much you've taught your mommy and daddy?  You, sweet baby, have helped Mommy and Daddy learn so, so much about our God- about His love and His faithfulness and His hope.  You are one of the best things that has ever happened to us- right up next to your big brother and big sister.  Do you know?  Do you know how much we love you and how much we delighted in seeing your sweet face today?  How your smile spoke volumes to us and how that little glimpse into your soul touched our hearts? Did you hear us laugh when you stuck out your tongue like your big brother does? And did you hear us giggle when we saw you kicking and wiggling all over the place? Do you know how we grinned from ear to ear and were just captivated by your small frame? Do you know what fun it was to see your little face, all snuggled up in mommy's tummy just shouting for joy?!?!  You are a treasure, Jubilee, and Mommy and Daddy love you so, so much!  Don't you ever forget what you were smiling about today, sweet one, and we won't forget either. We know...we know He sees us and knows us and loves us and has a plan for us. Our God is good, isn't He Jubilee?  And oh, how you've taught us about His love.  Thank you, sweet one, for letting Jesus find His glory even here.  

We love you forever and for always,

Mommy, Daddy, and Big Brother too =])

*****
I can't thank you enough for the encouraging notes and the prayers upon prayers today.  We were so saturated with peace and clarity at our appointment this afternoon.  We were able to process what the doctors shared with us in a way we could not have if we were shook up by the circumstances, and I can honestly say we entered and exited with such a profound sense of peace.  Praise Jesus, because nobody leaves that office with that kind of peace except by the very hand of God. 

Now that we have some more information, I can share a bit more detail with you all about Jubilee's situation.  They think she has a kind of skeletal dysplatia, though they aren't sure exactly what to diagnose her with, and probably won't until she's here.  They were leaning towards one specific form of dysplatia, but today found that her skull plates were not fused together as they had previously believed (praise Jesus!) and that has opened up the possibility of another (still grim) diagnosis.  Though her plates looked good, the density of her skull is not what it should be.  They also found that her little chest is just too, too small right now.  Her heart looks fabulous (let's not forget what a MIRACLE that little heartbeat is after all the praying we did in the first couple months of this pregnancy!  Another praise Jesus there!) but her chest is not as large as it should be, which is consistent with their suspicions that her ribs will not fully develop, causing her lungs to be under developed, which will prevent her from being able to breathe when she's born.  So even though they found growth in all her limbs and other parts, her growth is still significantly behind where it should be at this point in pregnancy, and they still do not expect her to survive more than a few hours at best after birth, if she even makes it that far, regardless of the final diagnosis.  We were also told once again that I may go into labor any day or it may not be until July. 

When it was all said and done, we were encouraged that our little one's heart was still going strong and that she's still growing, albeit slow and steady...and we're still guessing at the gender, though our tech said she'd put her money on a girl based on what she could see. =)  After seeing and hearing what the doctors shared with us about Jubilee's growth, we are probably headed in the direction of having to say goodbye to our sweet baby once she's born.  We're preparing ourselves for that reality, but we're also prepared to be pleasantly surprised if God hands us a big miracle in the form of complete healing for our girl. 

(I have had several sweet friends share that they are praying for complete and full healing, and we know He is able, but we are also confident in His plan either way.  If you're pushing hard for a miracle, we're not going to argue with you(!), after today we know more specifics...a specific prayer request would be that her skeletal growth significantly increases, that her bones grow straight and strong, that her chest and ribs catch up to a place where her lungs will be able to function, and that her little skull bones would become dense and strong. The doctors will tell you this won't happen...so if you venture there, know you are praying BIG things for our little one.  But our God is in the business of doing big things, isn't He? =])

We would be so ecstatic over a miracle, but we know that He is always good, and that He's going to heal our baby one way or another, whether here or in Heaven.  And here only lasts for a little while, so if we have to wait for Heaven, we will, and we will rest in the peace of knowing His plans are better than ours.   The Hubs and I are focusing a lot of prayer on asking God to have mercy on Jubilee, that she wouldn't have to endure suffering, and we're just echoing the words of Mary when she wrote to Jesus about Lazarus, Lord, the one you love is sick (John 11:3...I drew the Lazarus correlation with the help of Angie Smith in her book, I Will Carry You- its been an excellent resource for this journey). We know God loves Jubilee even more than we do, that He delighted in her smile today as we did....how can we not trust a God who loves our children as we do- even more? 

I can't tell you the peace I have in knowing God's got it all under control and that He has a plan and a purpose for Jubilee beyond what we know...that peace makes me smile like my girl every time.  He is just so, so very good.  After today, seeing our sweet baby's face in the BLESSED 3D picture (!!!) and having her smile at us, we are more determined than ever to enjoy our girl while she's here.  We are embracing this change in plans and shouting for joy that God has given us today with our baby.  Today.  Its all we ever really have, and we are so, so grateful for it.  To be honest, I consider knowing we will probably have to say goodbye a gift, because we know.  We know these days are precious.  We know they are probably numbered.  We know this may be our only time with Jubilee. We have been given the gift of knowing we need to make each moment count. 

And count each moment we will, and we'll do it while shouting for joy because we know.  We know that He sees us and He knows us and He loves us and He has a plan for us. 

Oh, how I pray you know how He sees you and knows you and loves you and has a plan for you...and I hope the knowing makes you smile.

Thank you again for all of the encouragement and prayers.  Hugs to you all...

~Brittany