Alive

Today was a gym day.  Newbie's in a little class once a week, and he's always stoked to go.  The trouble is, once we get there, he's all about running around willy nilly in the gym and wants nothing to do with any kind of structure.

Class in session and Newbie on the run. Classic move.

The Hubs engages with Newbie while I sit on the sidelines and laugh because its fun to watch the Hubs be in the driver's seat on something that I would usually take on.  Jubilee and I have found its kinda hard to chase Newbie down and try to get him involved in the centers, so the Hubs has taken the bull by the horns and Jubi and I get to just sit back and watch the show.

Newbie's usually into the group song or the centers for a good 5 seconds each, and then he is off and running.  My favorite is when the Hubs tries really hard to get Newbie excited about it and then Newbie starts freaking out with a well developed cry of outrage.  The Wheels on the Bus?  Are you kidding me?!  No way, Daddy.  I want the ball.  Let me run.  Don't tie me down.  A boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do! It sounds more like a whiny cry, but I know that's what he'd say if he could articulate a little better.

A friend of mine brought dinner over tonight, and we were commiserating about how hard it is to get photos of mommas and kiddos.  We have billions of pictures of babies and baby daddies, but very few of babies and mommas. This picture makes me laugh because its exactly what we talked about- mommas take 40 pictures at one time and daddies snap a couple and call it good.  ...Cue lazy eyes and Newbie looking at the ceiling. Ah, well.  We'll take what we can get around here. At least Jubilee made the picture! =)

(Jubi Girl (Boy?! Gah!  The closer we get to meeting you, the more I'm sweating bullets about calling you a girl all this time...Baby, I am so, so sorry if you're a little man, and I promise as soon as we find out- we'll stop talking about you like you're a little lady!) you came to the gym today to watch Big Brother in his go-crazy-for-30-minutes Toddler Class.  It is such fun to bring you along with us.  I waddle around with this big ol' belly and I will everyone around me to take notice of you and know that there is someone special hanging out with me today.  We are just so happy to have you here with us for these days, and I love getting to do things together as a family like go to the gym and watch Big Brother run wild.  Were you smiling when you felt momma's belly wiggle while I laughed at your daddy trying to tame your brother out there on the balance beam?  That just ticked Momma pink, and I like to think you were laughing with me. At the very least I know you heard me laugh, and I want you to know that laughter is a beautiful gift from God- He gave us laughter as a way to express our joy, and oh, the laughter and joy Daddy and I get from you and Big Brother!  You two are our littles, and we just love you sooo much.  Thanks for tagging along, Sweet One, through our days and our laughter.  I'm so happy to have you here, warm in my belly, and I will miss you so much when you aren't here anymore.  But there is a secret, Jubilee, about missing ones we love when they are gone if they belong to Jesus. And you, sweet baby, belong to Him!  Are you ready to hear it?  Listen close: Do you know what the greatest joy of all is, Jubilee?  The greatest joy of all is that the God of Heaven and Earth loves US and He made a way for us to get to be with Him forever and ever when He sent Jesus.  If we give our hearts to Jesus and follow Him, then we belong to Him!  So even though I'll miss you if He takes you Home and you aren't warm in my belly anymore, I will smile, Little One, laugh even! because of the Greatest Joy and the promise that I will see you again and never have to miss you because our God is so, so good and His love endures forever.  Its Momma and Daddy's greatest prayer that you and Big Brother experience God's enduring love to the full because there is nothing greater than knowing our Father's love, Little Jubilee.  Your Big Sister Eden knows so very well of that love, and someday you will too.  God loves you, Jubi.  And so do I.  xoxo) 

*****

The past week has been tough.  We've had a handful of things that have required us to think beyond today, and that always makes for a rough go.  The Hubs and I decided a while ago that we'd like to start loosely planning a life celebration/funeral for Jubilee because we want to be able to make it our own and include details and things that we may not have the capacity to think about later. As a momma who will never plan a birthday party for this little one, I wanted to have something to do to celebrate her little life. 

It took a while for us to get to the place where we wanted to plan ahead like this, but we've arrived. I'm grateful to have the time to plan and pull together bits and pieces that are a reflection of us so that I can rest in knowing its taken care of when the harder days come. And the harder days will come.  But some of those hard days are already here.  Can I be real with you?  Planning a funeral for a child is just so grossly wrong.  Everything about it feels backwards and foreign, and that's because it is.  It was never meant to be this way, God never intended for life to veer this direction, and never is that more clear than when I'm talking about the precious baby in my womb and a burial site in the same sentence.  I can feel her move- fluttering inside- and at the same time the Hubs and I are talking over coffee about what kind of songs we want to sing at the service. It. is. just. so. sick. 

But you know what gets me through?  What gets me through is knowing that God is good.  That His plan for life was- and is- so much better than what our broken world reflects.  That the Garden of Eden, where this world began, was a place without funerals and sick babies before we went and made a mess of things.  This brokenness?  Its on us.  Not Him.  I could get into how His goodness reaches so long and high and deep and wide that He gave up His only Son to make the mess right again- to open the doors for it to one day all be fixed- but I won't because this post is already too long and its hard to shut me up when I start talking about my Jesus.  The bottom line is, what keeps me going through the conversations about Jubilee's funeral, what gets me up out of bed in the morning, what gives me courageous joy- is knowing Him. 

I know Him, and He is good.

I know it was never meant to be this way- with sick babies and funerals and toddlers without siblings and mommas weeping for their children and daddies doing everything they can to lead their families through the dark.

In the beginning, before the mess, it wasn't this way.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Genesis 1:31

It was very good because He is good.

It was here once- God's goodness all over everything and within everything, with everything just as it should be- before we went and took advantage of His love and brought the ugly into this world.  But He came, and offered His life to pay for the ugly written all over our hands and our hearts, and He carved out the path for us to live- to really live- again.  Because He is alive, we have hope.  We can know Him.  We can know that He is good.

Because He is good, He hasn't given up on us or condemned us to a broken world of loss and death and no hope.  Instead, He's sent a Rescuer, offered us everlasting life and promised that if we follow Him, we can know His goodness forever.  There is a way out of this mess, and its Him:

Jesus answered, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 

The song below has resonated so much with me as I wrestle with grief over this broken mess of sick children and funerals and dark days.  Its just such a reflection of God's glory and the Hope He gave us when Jesus came. And that Jesus hope?  I couldn't do this without it. There's no way to describe the Hope we have in knowing God's love and the price He paid to give it to us- to restore the good that once ruled this broken place.  The song is sung from the perspective of Mary Magdalene when she found that Jesus had risen from the grave.  How my heart praises God in gratitude and awe that "mercy has overcome, death has lost and love has won". 

How am I getting through these dark days?  I'm getting through them because I know Him.  Because I know that He is good.  Because I know that there is more to this life, and because I know He is alive.

*Pause music on the right sidebar before pressing play

Praise God, this Sunday we'll celebrate Easter because He is alive.  And someday He's coming back to make right all the wrong.  Haste The Day, Lord Jesus.