Battleship in the Bathtub...and other unexpected happenings

Today was a day of epic events.

We started off this morning with another house-for-sale fire drill, which had the Hubs and I running around the house and breaking a sweat before 9 o'clock in the morning while Newbie lounged with Opie on the floor watching Curious George. 

That was not the epic part.

The epic part was when I took Newbie to our first taste test after getting the house ready for a showing, and he had a FULL TILT MELTDOWN in front of 8 mothers and their toddlers in a 8 foot by 4 foot waiting room.  I wish I was kidding.

See, several of my girlfriends signed up to do taste tests several months ago.  It's an easy breezy way to get out of the house and make some moola with littles in tow. You go in, try some yummy food, let your baby try some yummy food, then walk out with a 25 dollar gift card.  It sounded like a rad deal, so I signed Newbie and I up a few months ago.  With our busy schedule, we weren't able to attend a taste test until today.

We walked into the building, checked in, and went to find a seat in the then empty waiting room.  Newbie made the rounds in the room then sat down at the kids' table.  Slowly more and more mothers came in with their littles.  I don't know what flipped the switch, but after a good eight or nine mothers and toddlers were in the room, Newbie decided it was time to stand up on the chair he had been sitting on and crawl on top of the child-sized table.

Shocked, because where on earth did he learn that trick?, I stood up and went over to him. 

Newbie, we don't crawl on tables.  We sit at them.  Hop on off there, silly goose.

I tried to make light of the situation given that we were in a sardine can of a room with a billion other moms and babies, and quite frankly, I was completely caught off guard because I didn't realize my little guy was such a climber.  He's usually a little wiggle worm, but pretty easily distracted and content when we're in a place with a bunch of kiddos.  I picked him up, set him on the floor and tried to distract him.  Boy, would it have been awesome if that worked.

Now would probably be a good time to point out that by this time there were a trillion mothers in the room, with toddlers in their laps all sitting nicely and staring at the wall.  I don't know where toddlers like that come from, but they were in that room.  All over that room. The only nine toddlers on the planet that sit still were in that room with us.  It was like the Twilight Zone or something.

By ROUND THREE of the table-top scaling, I was desperate and tossed Newbie's duck call at him as a last ditch effort to keep him busy and off the table. He walked around the room blowing the duck call (which I should point out sounds less like a duck and more like flatulence when blown by a 17 month old) for a good 60 seconds before he was at it again.  (Don't judge me on the duck call thing.  I was a woman on the brink! Did I mention the planet's only calm, sedate toddlers were lining the room????  BECAUSE THEY WERE!)

(My friend Miss A is laughing her hiney off right now.  She's laughing because she does the taste tests often, and I know she is getting a kick out of the image of my little man walking around that TEENSY TINY waiting room, filled with at least eight other mothers, blowing on a duck call that sounds like a man eating giant just ate 50 cans of refried beans .  Hollah, Miss A!)

(Would you like another aside in parenthesis?)

(You're welcome.)

When the duck call failed me, I told the receptionist we'd be back and went outside to let Newbie shake his sillies out while we waited for the test to begin.  When I saw the doors open to the testing area, I scooped up my wiggle worm and brought him inside.  The rest of the test was uneventful, and we walked outta there with 25 bucks of HARD EARNED money.

The weird thing is that Newbie's never freaked out like that before.  He was totally off the hook, and I'm thinking we might have just passed over into official TODDLER territory.  I called my friend Miss L afterwards and described the happening.  A mother of three, her response was simply, "So I guess you know what its like to have a toddler now, huh?"  Ha!  Do I ever.  Its tough working with a little guy who doesn't quite understand the word "no" yet.  We'll be working on that one more around the house after our little excursion this morning.

Little did I know after making it through the waiting room fiasco earlier in the day, I'd be faced with another toddler challenge this evening.  After a long and busy day playing gypsies with Opie, Newbie, and half my house in the car while some lookers came by to check out our home, I was ready for a break.  We ate dinner, then I came up with the genius idea to let Newbie play in the tub while I sat next to the tub on my laptop.

I'm tellin' you, I had not even signed into Facebook before I realized Newbie, in an unprecedented move, had launched an underwater attack.  WHAT THE WHAT?!?!  I had heard rumors of my friends' kids dropping a twosie in the tub, but I'm telling you right now, I never thought it would happen to me because there are somethings you just don't want to consider a possibility in your own life.  Submerged twosies are on my list.

I had to do a double take to be sure I saw what I thought I saw. 

I saw it alright, in all its water-logged glory.

TMI?  I'm sorry.  It's just my reality, folks.

I will spare you the details of the toys I flung out of the tub to dry land and the toys that were left behind and enlisted to join in the effort of straining the tub water.  It was brutal.  All the while, Newbie stared at me all What's the big dealio, Momma?  Why are you throwing all my toys overboard?

It was quite an operation cleaning that boy up while navigating the murky waters.  Aye caramba. I'm pretty sure I heard myself ask at least twice, "Where's your daddy?"  Despite my desperate attempts to will the Hubs home from work an hour early, Newbie and I had to go it alone.  We got him all cleaned up, and soon enough he was in his fleece "bull ball" (football) pj's and tucked into bed for the night. 

Now I just need a hazmat team for the upstairs tub.  Maybe that will be the Hubs' detail when he gets home tonight. "Hey Babe!  How was your day?  Awesome.  Remember how much you like that game Battleship?  Yeah, well, there's an aquatic battlefield waiting for you upstairs.  Turns out B3 was a HIT and not a miss. Here's a brush and 10 gallons of bleach.  Have fun!"

Just kidding.  I wouldn't do that to him.

I'd at least offer him dinner first and maybe a pair of rubber gloves before he went upstairs.

Over and out.