Walking

Hi friends!  I'm branching out a little bit today and joining in on the Bloom Book Club over at (in)courage.com. I've been a fan of the site since it started, and I'm currently reading What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  I'm loving everything about the book (as a world-class worrier, I can relate to more than every sentence she's written...=]), and I adore Angie as an author, so I was thrilled to see that she is hosting a book club over at (in)courage because it combines two of my favorite things!  An (in)courage Book Club on What Women Fear is better than an Oreo Blizzard on the beach- and if you know me at all, you know that's really saying something. =)

Today Angie has asked that Bloom readers blog about one of their fears and then link up to the Bloom Book Club over at (in)courage so the community of women engaging in the book club will have a chance to explore the links and gain encouragement in knowing they are not alone. 

I didn't hesitate when I read the challenge because I've been battling a consistent fear for several months, and if there's one journey I know I'm not walking alone, its my journey through miscarriage.  If you're not familiar with my story, you can get all caught up by clicking the photo below:

Before July of this year, I would have written about how I feared I would have a miscarriage, and after July of this year, I will still write about how I fear I will have a miscarriage.  As we approach the three month mark since we lost Eden, I'm grappling with fear stemming from my hope for another pregnancy and, in turn, the possibility of another heartache. 

God did some incredible things through my daughter's story, and I know He can write a magnificent story of grace and love through the tears.  He walked with me so closely, and taught me so much about how I can trust Him because He is always, always good despite the circumstance. I learned that I'm not in control, but that's OK because His love runs so, so deep, and He is so, so good and He has a story bigger than my own that never, ever ends.

Even having experienced His love and presence first hand only a few short months ago, if I'm being really honest with myself, as a momma who has walked the road of losing a baby, I'm scared to pieces that God is going to ask me to walk that road again. In the secret places, I fear that I will become pregnant again only to have my baby's life end before it begins.

We're talking sweaty palms/shaky hands/squeezing heart kind of scared to pieces.

Though the fear is constantly on the surface these days as the Hubs and I dream of a growing family, every time I feel that fear creeping in, that what if He asks me to journey through losing my baby again?- the one threatens to take away my very breath-every time I feel the intensity of that fear, there is a still, small voice inside of me that says no matter what happens, it will be okay because His love endures forever, and He is faithful- He won't make me walk the road alone.

Gently, He reminds me of my daughter Eden's story- that what happened with Eden was not all loss.  That my baby girl's story didn't end with the end of my pregnancy, but that it was only the beginning- and a glorious beginning at that.  He gives me eternal eyes to see the bigger picture- to see that the aching and the pain of this life is not His work coming to a dead end, or Him forsaking us in times of need, but rather a door from which His love can come rushing in- an opportunity for us to experience His faithfulness and love firsthand as He walks beside us through the tears.

While that fear of having to experience the pain all over again taunts me as the Hubs and I start praying that the Lord would allow our family to grow, there is a soft, warm and still voice resonating from the depths of me whispering, "Beloved, it is well.  My love endures forever, and My story does not end.  You are a part of my story: I have plans for you- plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.  Remember my faithfulness.  Remember and trust. Won't you walk with me?" 

Won't you walk with me?

It's an invitation.  An invitation He extends each time the fear of loss creeps up inside of me.

And my answer? 

My answer is yes, Lord.  Through the sweaty palms and the shortness of breath and the desperate plea of my heart for peace and a healthy new baby one day soon, I whisper back: Yes.  Yes, Lord. No matter what. I will walk with you, and I will trust you. Yes, yes, and YES.

Rather than listen to the voice of fear, I'm choosing to take His hand and walk with Him. I choose to trust not that He will spare me from loosing another child, or from any other pain or heartbreak in this life, but that He will walk with me through the tears, that He will make beautiful things out of the mess.  He has done it once, and I know He will do it again.  And again, and again.  Because He is faithful. Because His love endures forever.  I know I can trust Him because though I've walked a road soaked in tears, He never left me to walk it alone.  

Knowing I don't have to walk alone is enough.  It's enough to calm the fear and fill me with the courage and the strength to keep walking, to keep moving, to press on beyond the sweaty palms and the racing heartbeat and the shaking hands.  It's a choice I have to make daily, multiple times a day, because the fear is so real and so relevant to my current journey; but walk I will, because I am not alone. 

And the best part? 

Neither are you.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:9-11

Wishing you all a week with lots of walking. =)

-Brittany