Oh. My. Lanta.
Do you know what is not fun?
Having hives for a month. Scratch that- five weeks.
I am so itchy. Hives everywhere. EVERYWHERE!
I have been in touch with my doctor for the past month, and I have tried so many things.
Oatmeal baths.
Benedryl.
Lucky Charms.
Cortizone.
Watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"
Steroids.
Aloe.
Lotion.
Benedryl.
Chocolate eclair bars.
Aloe.
Frozen corn.
Cortizone.
None of it works for any duration of time. I am going insane. I feel like I stood out in a swamp for 17 hours while an army of mosquitoes consumed a Thanksgiving feast on my arms and legs.
When the Hubs kissed me goodbye this morning, the velcro on his jacket scratched my arm, and I begged him to do it again.
This is bad, folks.
I just scratched my elbow. Elbows are the hardest part of the body to scratch. I'm just saying.
The worst part is, it's like some sick and twisted game. Because the more you scratch, the more they itch. Every scratch releases more histamine and my body freaks out and the welts get bigger and redder and freakier.
Just yesterday I realized my legs were swollen and bruised from this insanity. What the what?!? What's a girl gotta do around here to get a little relief before swimsuit season hits?!? As if the post-baby belly/back fat/triple neck trifecta wasn't enough, now I've got a trail of red welts up and down my legs.
Don't even get me started on how my sister's wedding is in a month and I am her maid of honor. And the dress is knee-length. A has a halter top. Have mercy.
The outfit Jack Bauer wore to kidnap President Logan is looking pretty good right about now. Sorry for the "24" reference, but SERIOUSLY, such a great season this go around. Last night I was on the edge of my seat screaming at the TV. Bauer needs to get it together before he wipes out the entire government. I mean, really? The guy is taking everyone down. There's no way he's gonna make it to LA with Kim and Terri and Kim's random husband that should have been Chase even though he doesn't have an arm anymore. I'm just saying. The man is toast after this spree of insanity, and I am mourning my dreams of the series ending with him pushing his grand-daughter in a swing in the backyard after marrying Audrey Raines from season 3...or 4...or 13 or whatever. Sigh.
Back to the hives. I don't know what I'm going to do. They've booted me to an allergist because the doc just doesn't know what to make of my predicament. I, being the festivious person that I am, (is "festivious" really a word? I'm just going to roll with it...) have done some highly intricate online research via Google and have discovered that several women have been plagued with this issue anywhere from 3 months to 16 months after giving birth. WHAT?!?! 16 months?!? I don't know how I'm going to sleep at night with a diagnosis like that. The Hubs always scolds me for going online and self-diagnosing, but I'm here to tell ya, these puppies do not look like they're going to pack up camp and move out any time soon. You know, according to my research.
So there's only one solution.
I'm moving to Hawaii.
Not really. But it does seem like a good alternative to the list of unsuccessful remedies above. The hives would still be there, but at least I would be with my two boys on some beach some where. That and my bestie is headed to Hawaii with her hubby next week and I may have vacation envy. Just a little.
Really though, I have no idea what I'm going to do. So I decided to hop on the blog and whine about it, hoping to get it out of my system before Kathy Lee and Hoda come on at ten o'clock.
It's 9:46, and there has been plenty of whining in the past bazillion paragraphs. Mission accomplished.
PS- I was going to post a picture of the nasty army of plague-like hives. Then I decided not to because it is just too gross. Then I changed my mind because I decided I just wasn't quite done whining. Then I got into Picasa and started editing the picture and cropping it and saturating the color so the red really stood out and it went all mutant on me, and I decided no one deserves to have a side of close-up hives with their coffee this morning. So no pictures. You're welcome.
My oldest daughter went through a similiar bout when she was 18. Sounds just like yours, except she hadn't had a baby. It lasted about six weeks. We tried lots of the things you mentioned with no success. We also tried an elimination diet - first fasting for three days then adding foods back one by one to see if that helped identify the culprit. Just when we thought we figured it out, that wouldn't be it. They finally went away on their own and she's never had a recurrence. Hopefully your hives go away. Soon. For good. So sorry, I know you must be miserable.
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